is he cheating?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2006
is he cheating?
31
Mon, 06-25-2007 - 4:15pm

I have been dating Brian for 9 months. We met at a club and right away he seemed very interested in me and pursued me with phonecalls and taking me out. Now, 9 months later, he's still attentive and calls me anywhere from 1-4 times per day...he calls me at work and tells me he misses me and is thinking about me or he calls me before he goes to sleep and says that he wants to hear my voice....he gave me a card on my b/day in April and flowers. The card said, to a very special girl, to the woman I know and he also gave me flowers on Valentine's day...he also took me out to dinner on my b/day. He is not abusive and is always kind to me and compliments me....he's a gentle type of guy and he treats me with respect...I have been single for 6 years so I'm so happy to have someone thinking about me and calling me and I don't want to lose that.

I know that's all great but the problem is that I can't see him very often. I have a 9 year old son so I really only invite Brian to my house when my son is spending the weekend with his dad (every 2nd weekend) or one night a week when he's with his dad. I guess the problem is that when my son is gone for the whole weekend I've sort of expected Brian to "move in" for the weekend but he is content to sleep over on Friday night and go for a coffee on Saturday morning for a few hours...then he goes out with his friends on Saturday night...also, a few times I've invited him over at say, 1 in the afternoon, and he shows up at 5 pm and has an excuse that he was helping his parents with something or his car broke down.

I guess I think that Brian is a good guy, he calls me every day but I wonder why he doesn't want to spend more time with me....because of this issue, I have broken up with him about 10 times....I've told him that I'm looking for a very serious relationship and he says he is, and he calls me countless times until I get back with him...he tells me, if I had someone else why would I want you back so bad, even when you tell me to get lost. Also, I've called him at odd times, like 10 pm on a Saturday night, and he answers and there's no noise and he's alone. Or I will call him during the week at 9 or 10 pm and he's either alone watching tv or at a coffee shop with his friends. when I've broken up with him he's called me begging me to get back with him...he always tells me, yeh, if I have another girlfriend, where is she now? when I'm calling you begging you to see me? Obviously I don't have a girlfriend.

I guess I don't know if I'm being paranoid about thinking that he has another girlfriend....since I've started putting the pressure on he is starting to spend more time with me (3 times in the past week) ....maybe he's just a kind of guy who enjoys the company more of his buddies than a woman. How do you tell if someone's cheating or if they just like their space?

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Avatar for blondie0506
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 06-25-2007 - 4:23pm

Have you simply asked him why he doesn't want to spend more time with you?

Also, when he says he wants a serious relationship, does he say he wants a serious relationship *with you*?

Edited to add: if the relationship is not working for you *as is*, why do you keep going back hoping to get a different result?

Ben Franklin said "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different".




Edited 6/25/2007 4:36 pm ET by blondie0506
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Mon, 06-25-2007 - 4:30pm

Welcome to the baord gal_sandrag,


You said he wants a 'serious' relationship, so my questions are, on Sunday he's never asked you to join him? You haven't met his friends or family yet?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2007
Mon, 06-25-2007 - 4:33pm

Maybe he wants to take it slow, its only been 9 months.

Has he ever given you a reason not to trust him, except for your expectations of how you think it should be? You have broken up with him 10 times in 9 months, why do you keep going back? That is not good odds. You can't change him only he can do that.

Regardless if he were cheating or not, You need to work on why YOU are so mis trusting of him, if he has not given you a reason to be that way. You are calling him at odd hours just to "check up" on him. IF you can't trust him then you don't need a relationship with him.
Work on yourself and decide what you want and stick with it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2006
Mon, 06-25-2007 - 4:54pm

I've said to him, why don't we end it and you can go find someone who you really want to be with. He said I want to be with you. I've told him that maybe he wants someone without a child or someone younger but he always says, "there are lots of women out there, if I wanted someone else I'd go get them, there are also alot of mixed up people out there...I want to be with you." So he seems to want to be with me...but then I ask him why he doesn't want to spend more time with me...he says "it's not all my fault, you have your son, you can never see me"....I guess it is alot of hassle to get a babysitter because I have to drive my son to my parent's house in the next town and then rush out and pick him up again to bring him home the same night, but then again, he never asks me to get a babysitter.

I wonder if he's just unsure whether he wants to commit to the whole family thing and maybe he wonders if he wants to be with a woman with a child...but then I've brought up that issue with him and he says I want to be with you and he also tells me that someday he wants to meet my son...I don't feel comfortable with that right now because he doesn't seem to be fully committed to me.

My husband left me for another woman so I did have some issues with that in the past...but also, Brian also might have a few problems with lying. It usually only happens when he doesn't want to see me at a certain time and maybe he feels pinned down...like on a Friday night when he is supposed to see me, he will call me at 10 pm and say he is at work...his job is a 24/7 job so I don't really know if he's lying but I assume he is because he starts work at 7 am. He also told me he owns a 2007 Jetta but right now the only cars I've seen him drive are a 2001 Jetta and a pick-up truck....maybe he's just trying to impress me...I doubt he has a 07 Jetta because everytime he comes over to my house he's sweating because he doesn't have a/c so why on earth would he not drive the airconditioned Jetta? He also has not introduced me to friends or family....I don't know why....he said his dad is constantly bugging him to settle down and get married and he told me that he told his dad that he's dating me so his dad would know he has a girlfriend. He has told me he just wants to take it slow. But why? Does he just enjoy his friends' company too much? He tells me he thinks that we're very compatible.

So many times I've told him that's it....this is not working for me...but he is sooooo persistent...he calls me at 3 a.m telling me he misses me, he tells me he didn't go to work because he's so upset....he just constantly calls me and tries to reason with me until I give in.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Mon, 06-25-2007 - 5:27pm

Tell him exactly what it is you want out of the relationship and ask if him if he can provide you with that. If he says he can and doesn't deliver, than end the relationship for good.


Edited to add: calling someone at three in the morning isn't a good way to win them back. This is a red flag to me.


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Edited 6/25/2007 5:29 pm ET by cl-ctara19811
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2006
Mon, 06-25-2007 - 6:32pm

Thanks for the advice....I guess just because he's not available all the time doesn't necessarily mean that he's a cheater...I would only really know if I caught him red handed.

I'll tell him again what I'm looking for but I think we're just going around in circles....lol.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2007
Tue, 06-26-2007 - 4:31pm

I'm sorry you're upset and confused. It's just not fair that you have to go through this.

Have you ever sought counseling for past relationship or dealt with those feelings? In order to be a good mother and person, I think that you need to deal with that. Even though it has been many years, it doesn't mean those issues have been resolved.

As for Brian, please don't be fooled by the phone calls, flowers, and V-day and birthday celebrations. It's easy to do all those things. And forget what he says to you. Words are just that - words. His actions do not match those words, so his words should carry little, or no weight.

I do not think that Brian is cheating on you. I think you feel like he is cheating on you because you have unresolved issues from your last relationship. Rather, I think that Brian is not ready for the type of relationship that you want and deserve. Not to say that he is a horrible person or anything like that. And I am not saying that you are asking for too much or anything like that. Clearly, you know what you want. Otherwise, you wouldn't have asked for certain things from him. And you shouldn't be afraid to ask for what you want. Don't assume anyone knows what you want. No one is a mind-reader. But after expressing your desires, he still seems to be missing the mark. And that's not your fault at all. You just need to find someone who is willing and can meet your needs and desires, just like you would meet his.

That being said -- it sounds like you want a committed, serious, meaningful, loving relationship with Brian, but it seems like he does not want the same with you. I'm sorry to be so harsh, but I just think you need to end this relationship so you can open your heart to something wonderful with someone else. When a person wants to be in a serious, committed relationship with another person, he/she will. It's that simple. If Brian really wanted to be with you, he would. And you would know it. You wouldn't doubt it. And you wouldn't be looking for answers on this message board -- answers that you already know. Listen to your heart and let go. It may not be easy (it never is), but it'll only make you a better person and help you find a person who makes you happy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2006
Thu, 06-28-2007 - 11:45am

Thanks very much for the advice but I guess when it comes down to it, most people on the board take the advice that they want to hear.....the other post said that I should forget my expectations about what a relationship is supposed to be like at 9 months and I'm hoping that's true...maybe not all guys want to be spending alot of time together at 9 months and they might want to take it slow.

He has told me that he wants to take it slow and I think I'm going to hang in there and see if things change....I figure if he's willing to invest the time in calling me every single day for 9 months then he must have feelings for me or why would he bother? Maybe things will change in the future...also, I've been single for 6 years so what's the chances that I'm going to be able to go out and find someone as attentive as him??

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-28-2007 - 11:59am

If he's content with only seeing you 1 or 2 times a week and not spending the entire weekend with you after 9 months, I doubt very much that things are going to change. I think what you see is what you get. If you can be ok with that, great, but if not, then you need to end it.

I think it would be *very* possible to find someone who wants to see you more frequently. They may not call every day, but which would you rather have--someone who wants to see you more often, or the phone calls?

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2006
Thu, 06-28-2007 - 12:46pm

Hi Sheri, I really enjoy being called every day...it's so nice to talk to someone after a long day. Also, I have a son so it really complicates things...it might be that if I didn't have my son, we would be seeing each other 3 times a week or so..right now, I only have every second weekend with Brian and he likes to see his friends too during that time so we don't spend the whole weekend together.

I guess I'm just going to see where things go...I really enjoy the phone calls every day and who knows...as he gets older (he's 38 now) he might begin to feel more pressure to settle down, especially since he tells me that his dad is always pressuring him to settle down....I guess I'll just see where things go.

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