is he cheating?
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| Mon, 06-25-2007 - 4:15pm |
I have been dating Brian for 9 months. We met at a club and right away he seemed very interested in me and pursued me with phonecalls and taking me out. Now, 9 months later, he's still attentive and calls me anywhere from 1-4 times per day...he calls me at work and tells me he misses me and is thinking about me or he calls me before he goes to sleep and says that he wants to hear my voice....he gave me a card on my b/day in April and flowers. The card said, to a very special girl, to the woman I know and he also gave me flowers on Valentine's day...he also took me out to dinner on my b/day. He is not abusive and is always kind to me and compliments me....he's a gentle type of guy and he treats me with respect...I have been single for 6 years so I'm so happy to have someone thinking about me and calling me and I don't want to lose that.
I know that's all great but the problem is that I can't see him very often. I have a 9 year old son so I really only invite Brian to my house when my son is spending the weekend with his dad (every 2nd weekend) or one night a week when he's with his dad. I guess the problem is that when my son is gone for the whole weekend I've sort of expected Brian to "move in" for the weekend but he is content to sleep over on Friday night and go for a coffee on Saturday morning for a few hours...then he goes out with his friends on Saturday night...also, a few times I've invited him over at say, 1 in the afternoon, and he shows up at 5 pm and has an excuse that he was helping his parents with something or his car broke down.
I guess I think that Brian is a good guy, he calls me every day but I wonder why he doesn't want to spend more time with me....because of this issue, I have broken up with him about 10 times....I've told him that I'm looking for a very serious relationship and he says he is, and he calls me countless times until I get back with him...he tells me, if I had someone else why would I want you back so bad, even when you tell me to get lost. Also, I've called him at odd times, like 10 pm on a Saturday night, and he answers and there's no noise and he's alone. Or I will call him during the week at 9 or 10 pm and he's either alone watching tv or at a coffee shop with his friends. when I've broken up with him he's called me begging me to get back with him...he always tells me, yeh, if I have another girlfriend, where is she now? when I'm calling you begging you to see me? Obviously I don't have a girlfriend.
I guess I don't know if I'm being paranoid about thinking that he has another girlfriend....since I've started putting the pressure on he is starting to spend more time with me (3 times in the past week) ....maybe he's just a kind of guy who enjoys the company more of his buddies than a woman. How do you tell if someone's cheating or if they just like their space?

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How do you create a serious and committed relationship when you block him from the most important part of your life?
It's very clear that you expect him to structure his schedule and calendar around you as his #1 priority in his life. If he doesn't do that, then you make up false stories to make him wrong and evil. Perhaps you should simply tell him about your expectations so that he has a realistic opportunity to make adult decisions that impact his life.
I've told Brian so many times until I'm blue in the face that I'm looking for a serious, committed relationship and that I would like to live with someone and get married...he always says, that's exactly what I'm looking for. But then on the weekends when I'm available, he doesn't want to spend the whole weekend with me...I guess I have to admit that he may also be getting the short end of the stick by dating a woman with a child who can't see him 6 out of 7 nights of the week...but then I wonder why he doesn't want to spend all the time he can with me on the weekends when my son is away and we can do that.
Also, I really don't want to introduce him to my son right now because he doesn't spend all weekend with me so that just shows to me that he's not committed to me. I don't want to confuse my son by bringing someone into his life who isn't going to stay around (like his dad).
I really can't figure Brian out...I don't think it's all about the sex because he's calling every day and the thrill of that wears out for most guys after 9 months..
You're missing the point here. I highly doubt you have told him - "I expect you to grant me every single waking moment while I do not have my son, even though you are not welcomed into my life with my son". Then there is his consequence of not giving you everything you demand. That consequence is you creating false stories about him cheating simply because he isn't wrapped around your finger when and how you want.
You need to be very clear and tell him this. He will learn that his other wants and needs in life are completely meaningless when he is under control of your schedule demands.
I agree that until you know he's committed, it is smart not to introduce your son to him.
I totally agree with Spice's point that it's ridiculous to assume he's CHEATING on you because he doesn't spend the whole weekend with you when you don't have your son, but I don't think it's at all unreasonable of you to ask him to spend that time with you as Spice seems to think. You need to make it clear to him that is what you want--that he use his other weekends to see friends and that he reserve the majority of your free weekends to spend with you. I don't think that's at all unreasonable but he may not want to do that, and if that's the case, then you need to decide if you can live with things as they are.
But how are you ever going to progress if he's not willing to spend more time with you, is what I'm wondering? If there hasn't been any forward movement after 9 months, when will there be? I'd be curious to know what Brian's answer is to that.
I don't think it's about the sex either--but I do think he's perfectly content with the status quo and does not want more.
Sheri
I think that if you are attracted to someone and like/love them, you should want to spend as much time as possible with them....I don't think a phone call can replace being with someone in person.
I don't think I'm trying to control him...I'm just comparing this relationship to the way things were in my past relationships...in your opinion as a guy, is it a "normal" thing for men to want to see their girlfriend just one night over a whole weekend?
Sheri, it is ALWAYS acceptable for a woman to state her wants, needs and expectations. As men, we want that. We want to know in a clear, fair and reasonable manner based on facts so that we can make fact based decisions for the structure of our life.
His challenge will be meeting her expectations of a fully committed relationship while she offers a conditional commitment in return. Who knows how he will respond.
I would also suggest that clearly articulates what she needs and expects before having her son involved. In a committed relationship, should he not have full knowledge of this?
Absolutely--he should know what she needs to see from him before she feels comfortable involving her son.
Sheri
I totally agree with you both and I have clearly told him what I'm looking for but then his actions don't match his words....it's like he's playing some type of control game.
I thought to myself, to heck with it, I'm going to start going out to the club with my single girlfriends every second Saturday night and if I meet someone, well it's his loss, I've given him lots of chances to change. But he insists that I bring my cell with me to the club and then he calls me at 1 a.m. at the club to make sure I haven't met anyone and that I'm on my way home...he also told me that he doesn't like me going out because I might meet another guy. He said that's how a single person acts and he would prefer if I stayed home.
It seems to be a control issue with him...he doesn't want to commit but then he doesn't want to give me the chance to meet someone who will...I think that's selfish of him..but then I also think, at least he gives a damn...maybe he does care.
Mmmm...no. He goes out with HIS friends, but you're supposed to sit home when you're not with him? I don't THINK so!!
And separately, if his words and actions don't match, then you need to look at his actions. If he's saying he wants to spend more time with you every other weekend as you've requested but it never happens, then you need to pay attention to his actions. Plus lack of congruity (is that a word? Or is it congruousness, LOL?) between actions and words is an issue in and of itself, IMO.
Sheri
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