is he cheating?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2006
is he cheating?
31
Mon, 06-25-2007 - 4:15pm

I have been dating Brian for 9 months. We met at a club and right away he seemed very interested in me and pursued me with phonecalls and taking me out. Now, 9 months later, he's still attentive and calls me anywhere from 1-4 times per day...he calls me at work and tells me he misses me and is thinking about me or he calls me before he goes to sleep and says that he wants to hear my voice....he gave me a card on my b/day in April and flowers. The card said, to a very special girl, to the woman I know and he also gave me flowers on Valentine's day...he also took me out to dinner on my b/day. He is not abusive and is always kind to me and compliments me....he's a gentle type of guy and he treats me with respect...I have been single for 6 years so I'm so happy to have someone thinking about me and calling me and I don't want to lose that.

I know that's all great but the problem is that I can't see him very often. I have a 9 year old son so I really only invite Brian to my house when my son is spending the weekend with his dad (every 2nd weekend) or one night a week when he's with his dad. I guess the problem is that when my son is gone for the whole weekend I've sort of expected Brian to "move in" for the weekend but he is content to sleep over on Friday night and go for a coffee on Saturday morning for a few hours...then he goes out with his friends on Saturday night...also, a few times I've invited him over at say, 1 in the afternoon, and he shows up at 5 pm and has an excuse that he was helping his parents with something or his car broke down.

I guess I think that Brian is a good guy, he calls me every day but I wonder why he doesn't want to spend more time with me....because of this issue, I have broken up with him about 10 times....I've told him that I'm looking for a very serious relationship and he says he is, and he calls me countless times until I get back with him...he tells me, if I had someone else why would I want you back so bad, even when you tell me to get lost. Also, I've called him at odd times, like 10 pm on a Saturday night, and he answers and there's no noise and he's alone. Or I will call him during the week at 9 or 10 pm and he's either alone watching tv or at a coffee shop with his friends. when I've broken up with him he's called me begging me to get back with him...he always tells me, yeh, if I have another girlfriend, where is she now? when I'm calling you begging you to see me? Obviously I don't have a girlfriend.

I guess I don't know if I'm being paranoid about thinking that he has another girlfriend....since I've started putting the pressure on he is starting to spend more time with me (3 times in the past week) ....maybe he's just a kind of guy who enjoys the company more of his buddies than a woman. How do you tell if someone's cheating or if they just like their space?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2006
Thu, 06-28-2007 - 6:49pm
He has not shown signs of cheating. He just might like to be alone most of the time. When he calls you, that is his way of communicating to you and dating you. If this isn't your cup of tea, move on. good luck
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2006
Thu, 06-28-2007 - 6:59pm
You could be right...he just might like to spend time alone...I wish I knew more about him because when I ask him what he does on the weekends when he's not with me he says "not much"..sometimes he'll go out to a coffee shop with a few friends or out to a bar at night...I don't know what he does during the day...he just says, not much...I guess that's why I'm suspicious of him...my brother says introverted people do not talk much about themselves but I wonder if that's it...I guess I think he might be hiding something but maybe not...it's hard when we're never together and he doesn't tell me what he does.
Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-29-2007 - 2:05pm

This isn't so difficult and it doesn't matter if he's cheating or not. He's not there. Phone calls are one thing, a real person is something else. This guy isn't available, he doesn't want much contact face to face and it sounds like he can't tolerate too much committment. He needs so much space that no matter what his feelings are, it's not a relationship that is growing or is satisfying to you. Just sit down and get clear about what it is you need and want in a relationship. Is he giving this to you? Is he able to? How long has this standoff been going on? When you look at it all clearly, you can see that there's no reason at all to pursue this situation. You're just wasting your time. Move on and move foward so you can find someone who is not tying you up emotionally with thousands of phone calls, but not able or willing to actually be there for you and with you and give you what you need.


Best wishes,

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2006
Fri, 06-29-2007 - 2:44pm

what do you guys do together that make you feel special? do you have common interests. is there a particular reason why after 9 months you haven't introduced your child to him? maybe somewhere deep inside you aren't really sure about him being around for the long term.

you say that you call him at odd hours and he answers and there is no noise. however, this is not a real sign that there isn't someone else in his life. obviously you are feeling that there is more going on with him. has something else come up that maybe you didn't post for us to read?

it has been my experience that where there is smoke there is fire.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2006
Fri, 06-29-2007 - 4:53pm

I like his personality...he is a quiet type of guy and he is nice to have around. I don't think we have any real hobbies or interests in common but I like his company. I think the real reason that I'm still with him is that he REFUSES to let me go. He will not stop calling me until I give in and see him again. He keeps telling me that he wants something long-term and committed and I keep waiting for him to show me that he means it. Also, his sister died 3 months ago so I feel guilty when I break up with him and he calls me and tells me I should be supportive for him at this time and that he wants a relationship with me. Maybe in his mind this is a relationship but to me we're just phone buddies with a once a week date.

He totally refuses to let me break up with him and I guess I feel pretty sad when I'm not receiving the daily phone calls...I think I'm just going to have to keep my options open and go out with my girlfriends on a Saturday night. If I meet someone then I'll tell Brian and he might agree to let me go if there's someone else in the picture.

Dr. S. is right...this is a big waste of my time, especially since I'm 41 and I'm not getting any younger...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2006
Fri, 06-29-2007 - 5:14pm

i guess my main concern would be the way in which he handles trying to get you back to him. you call it persistance, i might tend to call it obsession, but of course i don't know the whole story so i don't want to sound critical. you should not be made to feel guilty for wanting to seperate yourself from someone. however, it seems to me that perhaps you break up with him so much b/c you actually like the attention that he showers upon you when he is begging and pleading with you to come back to him.

i don't want to sound negative by any means, but all of this seems kinda of "high school". healthy relationships are give and take and they should make each partner happy and fulfilled. you don't sound very fulfilled from your posts and perhaps neither does he, but of course once again i don't know all the facts.

i certainly hope that you can find out what you need to know from this man and if not, i hope that for your sake and for his that you guys can come to some closure.

good luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2006
Fri, 06-29-2007 - 6:30pm

Thanks for your advice. He's sort of sneaky the way he keeps me with me...when I break up with him he begs me to come back and says that he will see me more often if that's what I want...and then he does see me more often...like last week, he saw me 3 times but one time he left early because he said it was a beautiful night and he wanted to go bike riding and he knew I had to wait at home for my son to get back and I couldn't go. Then 2 days later he was supposed to come over at 3:30 pm. He showed up at 7 pm and said his parents' electric breaker had broken down and he had to help them...so I guess he did see me more often but not for the length of time that I wanted....I have also used call screen to block out his calls but he calls me from another number so that doesn't work.

Yes, I agree with you, it's all very highschool and immature, but I can't seem to get him to go away....like tonight, he's supposed to come over and will be calling me any minute now...I know if I tell him that I don't want to see him anymore he'll beg and plead and probably show up at my door. I think it's going to end sooner or later.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2007
Fri, 06-29-2007 - 7:39pm
He is not making you come back to him, YOU are doing that of your own free will. He can't control you if you don't let him. If you want him to go away tell him to hit the road and stick with what you say. NO Matter what he says or does. YOU are in control of you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2006
Sat, 06-30-2007 - 7:47am

I agree. I feel totally turned off by him now and I don't even feel like I want to spend any more time with him. Last night I told him that it was over for good....he argued with me, saying things like, you'll never find anyone because you have a child, guys will just tell you b.s. to get sex and then leave you, you're too old to be going out to nightclubs, I want a relationship with you...yadayada.

I just kept telling him over and over, this is not what I'm looking for. He said okay, if you change your mind, give me a call. Then one hour later he called and I saw his number on the call display and I didn't pick up.

It's going to be a battle to end it with him....I can see that he's going to keep calling me....I'm keeping my cell turned off and if I see his number on the call display I won't pick up. I know it's up to me now...he's going to be really persistent but I'm going to stick to it and not give in...thanks for everyone's advice..it helped me end it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2007
Sat, 06-30-2007 - 9:07am
I know it is going to be hard. Stick with your decision. Don't worry about what he said, he is full of sh--. My exh told me the same thing when I divorced him years ago and for a while I believed it, but it is so not true. You will find someone that is right for you and your son. You deserve to be respected and loved. We are there for you.