He confessed...now what?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2003
He confessed...now what?
8
Mon, 07-16-2007 - 1:31am

Last September, my bf of 5 yrs, confessed to me about having had a crush on a girl whom he met in school Fall of 2005, after I found her name written on a piece of paper that insinuated that there was something going on between them. I didn't think too much about it since I figured, a crush is just a crush. Then recently, I found a letter that he wrote her dated last October, confessing about his love/feelings for her. I confronted my bf and he told me that he was half drunk when he wrote that letter. He also confessed that his feelings for her was more than a crush.

This girl, who has a bf, also has feelings for my bf and has confessed to my bf that she loves him. My bf confessed that their involvement, a side from being in class and studying together, included talking on the phone and hanging out a couple of times. He confessed that he had very strong feelings for her up until February of this year. He said that's when he realized that what he was doing was wrong, that I meant much, much more than this girl meant to him, and that he didn't want to risk losing me. He promised me that he has not contacted her since April of this year but that she has been trying to contact him thru email, text, and phone.

He told me that just the other day, feeling so guilty for what he had done to our relationship, he confronting the girl's bf about what had gone on between the two of them. My bf says he loves me a lot and does not want to lose me. In a way, because he had kept the fact that he has fallen for her, I feel like he had cheated on me. My bf said the reason he told the guy was b/c he felt like he needed to tell the truth and be honest once and for all, to himself, to me, and everyone else involved. I told my bf that I appreciate what he had done. I guess, it makes me feel like despite his wrongdoings, he realizes his mistakes and and wants to make amends to our relationship. This girl apparently still denies to her bf about what had gone on between her and my bf. My bf told me that he realized that she is not the type of girl for him. He said he is really sorry for putting me through all this mess and that I do not deserve to have to go thru this.

I love my bf very much and don't want to lose him but can not afford to get hurt again. At times, I wonder if he still has feelings for her. Do you think what he did constitutes cheating? Should I forgive him or move on? He confessed...now what?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2007
Mon, 07-16-2007 - 9:39am

I would think he cheated. Even if he didn't have sex with her, there was an intimate bond between them. He had an emotional affair. Do you still trust him? What you do now is really in your hands. You can either break up---or---forgive him and move on. It just depends on if you believe him that it is over between them or not.

But yes, he cheated.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2007
Mon, 07-16-2007 - 1:16pm

I am going through something similar with my SO. I agree that it IS cheating. He shared something with this girl that should have been shared with only you. To be totally honest if it weren't for our daughter and the son that is due in August...I would have left him no question about it. I am giving him another chance for the sake of our children and it has been difficult. Don't get me wrong...I love him more than I can say. I still get this feeling like he may be talking to her or even talking to another woman altogether and I don't know if it is just me being insecure or if something is actually going on...but I am assuming it will take a while before things get back to normal and he knows that. If I did catch him talking, even flirting with another woman...I would leave him no matter what. I guess my point is if you decide to stay with him it is going to be VERY difficult for a long time. I found out at the beginning of March and I am still having a hard time letting it go. If you ever need someone to talk to you can email me.

brandila86@yahoo.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2003
Mon, 07-16-2007 - 4:10pm
Today he just admitted that he still has feelings for her but his feelings for me are stronger. He told me he just wants to be honest with me about the whole thing. He says she is wrong for him in many ways...because she is not honest and even when my bf confronted her bf about it, she still could not admit to her bf about what had happened. He also takes the blame for being dishonest to me. I know if I stay, it's going to be a long haul ahead. My bf told me that she had told him how much she misses and loves him. He tells me that if she could hurt her bf that way, who's to say she's not going to do the same to my bf? If my bf really feels this way, then why does he still have feelings for her and says he still cares for her? By the way, thanks for listening...
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Mon, 07-16-2007 - 5:10pm

Welcome to the board juna3,


::If my bf really feels this way, then why does he still have feelings for her and says he still cares for her?


Because he build an emotional bond with her and now that it's going by the wayside, there is still grief to deal with at it's ending. Just like in any relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Mon, 07-16-2007 - 11:12pm

No one develops feelilngs for another while they are in a relatiosnhip unless there are problems in the relationship. If he was happy and the relationship was healthy then why would he seek her, reply to her emails, see her and who knows what else. So what is going on with your relationship?

Do you really want to be with someone who has feelings for someone else??

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2007
Tue, 07-17-2007 - 12:55am
No problem! Sorry I was gone all day. It sounds like you really want to work on things with your bf. If that is the case then you really should try. Is there someone that you could both talk to?? Maybe you could go to counseling or something? I am not sure why if he feels that she is so horrible he would still have feelings for her? Maybe it's one of those can't have it so I want it type of things?? You know? If YOU believe that he is truly committed to you and he is will to forget her then go for it. I would recommend him changing his number or maybe switching phones with you. Take it from me...if you really want to get over it they will have to stop ALL contact. I hope that you two are able to work something out and I hope that he knows how lucky he is to have someone care about him as much as you do. Most women wouldn't put up with what we will....guess you do crazy stuff for love. =) If you need to talk I am here.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2005
Tue, 07-17-2007 - 1:55pm

>>No one develops feelilngs for another while they are in a relatiosnhip unless there are problems in the relationship.<< I completely disagree...well to some extent. That COULD be the case but more likely it would be sound to say "no one developes feelings for another while they are in a relationship unless there are problems *within themselves* and they choose to let those feelings develop."

I'm not totally convinced this is a relationship problem. I think he has something within himself that he told himself "it's ok to do this because...you won't get caught, or because I can't control my feelings, or because I deserve too." It's very unhealthy, but the unhealthy part is most likely in HIM, not the relationship.

Not saying the relationship is perfect but BTDT plus counseling for 2 1/2 years tells me this is likely the case. He needs to find out whats wrong within himself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2007
Tue, 07-17-2007 - 3:45pm

hey, he is not the guy you want to be with.

you want to be with someone who thinks about you. you should be with someone whos focus is actually on your, rather than someone else.

i agree with the relationship experts....leave this guy now.