He did it, will he do it again?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2007
He did it, will he do it again?
18
Sat, 06-16-2007 - 8:09pm
Hi, i really don't know what to do anymore, i thought i had found someone that i could spend my life with. But recently i found out that my boyfriend was cheating on me for the first couple of months we were dating. I also found that he's signed up for internet dating sites and chatting with other girls. What do you think i should really do? Your opinion would help. I do love him a lot, i'd do anything for him, but am i risking myself to be hurt again? I told him that i would leave but he told me he would change.. should i believe him?

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2005
Sat, 06-16-2007 - 8:21pm
Don't believe him. Very few people who cheat stop being cheaters without professional intervention. That's why the saying goes, "Once a cheater, always a cheater" This isn't about how much you love him or what you believed about the relationship, it's about how much you love yourself and how much you value yourself. Even if he's crying and begging you for forgiveness this is a man who thought nothing of cheating on you and exploring his options outside the relationship - it's betrayal and relationships CANNOT survive without trust. Go back and read some cheating posts you'll find many women who gave their man chance afte chance only to lose their sense of self along the way. They live a compromised life of paranoia, fear and mistrust.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Sat, 06-16-2007 - 8:23pm

Welcome to the board nursek101,


He can promise anything he wants, my question would be what steps is he taking to make sure it doesn't happen again?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Sun, 06-17-2007 - 12:16am
You said on another post that you *hate* cheaters. If this is not an exaggeration of how you feel, then you have no choice but to end it. You cannot have a relationship with someone you hate.
Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2007
Sun, 06-17-2007 - 1:44pm
i know, but its hard for me to except it.. its harder than you think.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2006
Sun, 06-17-2007 - 2:12pm

That's a very sticky situation, and I am sorry to hear about it. It's difficult whenever we put our trust into someone else's hands.

"Change" is an interesting word when it comes to guys who cheat. I think a good way to guage whether or not you can trust this change is to follow your intuition. Does he act a similar way now to when you first started dating? Looking at those first few months ago is a good example to see if you can trust him. If you felt he was honest in these first few months, you have the ability to feel stable in a relasionship when he is cheating with you. This is dangerous.

If this is the case, he can easily cheat on you again, making you feel as though you are in a stable trust worthy relasionship. If he seemed hesitant in the first few months, like he was doing something wrong, this might be a good sign, but if he does not, there is no sure way to be positive that he feels guilt for his actions.

As for going online to dating sites, this is something you should ask yourself if you want him doing. Ask yourself if you are comfortable with him going on dating sites.

For a different perspective on that, if I found out my boyfriend was going on dating sites and having conversations with women, I'd probably move out. However, if it happened he wass just talking to girls over myspace.com, I'd let it (and have let it) slide. When someone goes on a specfic website designed for meeting someone to date, and having conversations with girls there, I would highly question whether or not this guy wanted to be in a relasionship with me.

It's time for you to rattle his cradle a bit. Don't feel bad if you have a need to question him about his online dating website habits. In fact, you should. Maybe he does like to just go on dating websites, but how credible is that? Getting his opinion about the situation when you point blank him with a loaded question will make you feel better.

Be sexy. Be sassy. Be everything he has, but shouldn't. Then, say:

"Why are you going on those internet dating sites?"

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2007
Tue, 06-19-2007 - 2:41pm

yes, he will do it again and again and for every 30 times he does this you might find out about one of them. he is a cheater and that will not change - he may only get better at hiding it.

you do what you know you need to do.

Avatar for blondie0506
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-19-2007 - 3:29pm

<>

What *active* steps is he taking to change his behavior, change his values and change his morals? Is he willing to see a counselor? Does he *want* to change? Does he want to change even if you don't stay with him?

True change is unlikely. Do you want to stay with someone you can never trust?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2007
Tue, 06-19-2007 - 7:56pm

I see him making the effort to change. He wants to see me more, actually everyday! But i still worry that if i leave him alone for a day or two he will make the same mistake again? Trust is an issue here but i see him trying so im SLOWING GAINING some trust back.

When people say "once a cheater, always a cheater", i wonder if that is true? Because i want to believe that he wants to change and hes trying, but there is always a chance to hurt me again.. and by hearing that phrase over and over again isnt so supporting. I really want to know if that is a vaild phrase!

And i know that i have said in a prior post that i HATE CHEATERS, but its hard to give up when i love him so much.. and iknow when this finally works, its actually worth working for.. well im my opinion i guess....

Anyhow, thanks for the support and comments.. THANKS A LOT.. more is welcome for some more help.. im a person who is in progress in healing and coping.

Avatar for blondie0506
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-20-2007 - 9:17am

You say that he is "trying". That word is a tough one. What is he *doing* to try? Aside from wanting to see you more (which he may be doing out of fear of losing you and to win yuo back), what is he *doing*?

Has he admitted that he has a faulty value system? Has he said he's sorry for hurting you and that it is 100% his fault? I don't remember the original post in detail - he cheated more than once, right? So it wasn't just a one-time mistake that's completely out of character for him, correct?

If he were *truly* "trying", then he should have to tell you where he is ALL the time, give you access to his e-mail accounts, Myspace accounts, etc., and give you full access to his cell phone and bill until a time comes when you can regain your trust in him. He should also consider couples counseling with you so the 2 of you can rebuild your relationship.

If he's not doing ANY of these things, than "trying" is just some abstract idea that doesn't have any actionable steps and little measurable results. He needs to DO something - read a relationship book with you, go to church, go to counseling, give you open access - he needs to be sorry about his VALUES and he has to want to CHANGE them, regardless of whether you stay or go. He can't just be sorry that he might lose you.

Here's an essay on "trying harder" that might help illustrate the point I'm trying to make:

The Big, Fat Lie... about "Trying Harder!"
By Dr Jill Ammon-Wexler

You've been searching for more success in some area of your life. Perhaps for abundance, personal growth, or some other important goal. But if you're running into problems, it may come from something you were taught as a child! Do you remember being told: "Just try harder -- you'll get it!" Well that advice is actually the worst possible advice to drill into a child's head. Are you surprised to hear that from a success coach? Then allow me to share a true personal story.

I'm sitting in a screened porch in a peaceful little cabin by the shore of Lake Tahoe reading a book. It's a warm late August afternoon. It's very quiet, except for an irritating "buzz-thump." I look up and see a large fly desperately throwing itself at the window at the far end of the porch. The fly has staked its life on a doomed success strategy: "Just try harder -- try harder -- try harder!"

Obviously, the fly's goal seeking behavior is not working! Its efforts hold no hope for success. No matter how hard it throws itself at the glass, it can't escape. I watch and wonder at the irony of its situation. The little creature has literally staked its life on reaching its goal through determined raw effort! But its very struggle is a trap! I look over at the open door just a few feet away. A short flight and it could be free. The possibility of a breakthrough was there. It would be so easy. But the fly had made its commitment!

Why doesn't the creature explore its options, I wonder? Why doesn't it try something different? How did it get locked into one doomed course of action? Into just trying the same thing harder and harder. Into just hoping for some miraculous success... in spite of the evidence to the contrary!

The next morning I found the fly dead on the dusty windowsill.

I was reminded of an earlier period in my own life. I had wanted to create a breakthrough in my own life. Like that fly, I too had tried harder and harder and harder, until I finally gave up in exhaustion. Here's what I learned (the hard way): attempting to achieve a goal by trying the same thing harder and harder is a dead end approach!
First: The very word "try" indicates you actually expect failure (you're going to "try"). If you already know an approach is failing, trying it harder won't get you anywhere! You'll just fail harder!

Second: Failing again and again does NOT take you any closer to success. All it does is dampen your spirit and damage your self-confidence and self-esteem. And who needs that!
"So," you ask, "How else can I achieve my goals?" The answer lies in a pulling back and trying a completely different approach! Think of that fly on the dusty window sill the next time you find yourself "efforting" to achieve a goal.

Let go... relax... then try another approach! Sometimes just letting go will clear your mind to see a better way of getting what you want. "Just try harder" will seldom get you to your goal. It's just a big, fat lie that needs to be replaced with some different goal-directed behaviors! Think about it for a moment... If you want "something new," you're going to have to "try something new."

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2006
Wed, 06-20-2007 - 10:52am
Umm yea he most certainly will do it again.

Pregnancy ticker

 

 <

Pages