He did it, will he do it again?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2007
He did it, will he do it again?
18
Sat, 06-16-2007 - 8:09pm
Hi, i really don't know what to do anymore, i thought i had found someone that i could spend my life with. But recently i found out that my boyfriend was cheating on me for the first couple of months we were dating. I also found that he's signed up for internet dating sites and chatting with other girls. What do you think i should really do? Your opinion would help. I do love him a lot, i'd do anything for him, but am i risking myself to be hurt again? I told him that i would leave but he told me he would change.. should i believe him?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2006
Wed, 06-20-2007 - 12:21pm

I don't think that once a cheater always a cheater is valid at all. I don't. I think IF your BF is making a honest attempt at change then go with the flow.

Laura

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2007
Wed, 06-20-2007 - 2:09pm
nursek101 I know how you feel, the guy I live with takes of and leaves me hre alone whil he hangs out at the Beach then asks me not to be angry with him because I'm not good enough to meet his friends or go to the beach with. Sometimes I wish he'd get so sunburned on his thing he can't move for 3 weeks atraight
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2007
Wed, 06-20-2007 - 5:39pm

When i say "trying", he really is trying. He has admitted that he did wrong and was 100% his fault. Yesterday, i started to feel sad and betrayed and he saw that, he told me that he feels extrememly bad for putting me through this, he never wants to see me like this again. He said he never wants me to leave him and we both as a couple can make it work if we try hard enough. You have to give him credit for trying right. He told me that he sees me in his future and knows he messed up BAD but he wants to make everything better for now on with no more mistakes. (exact words almost). Sounds too good to be true, but it is a possibility..

You do have a point when you say "he just can't be sorry that he might lose you". I want him to work for himself and not just for me. I told him that, and he was really willing to do so. He also said that he needed help from me. He tells me that he needs me to help him.. because apprently i help make himself better as a person. I make him happy.

But the true question here is am i really happy right? Yes, im happy that i have someone who can and will change. I asked him if i wanted to go to counselling with me, would he go. He said a straight up yes. I do have access to his emails, cell phone, etc, but i feel like it is such a invasion of privacy. i feel bad that ihave to do that.

What the problem is now is trying not to think about it. Put yourself in my shoes. Either if you forgive or not, the thought of the idea is always there...

Thank YOU

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2007
Tue, 06-26-2007 - 10:17pm
Here are my two pennys worth...
I met a great guy last summer, and immediately I knew he had to be my soul mate. We were inseparable, and it was the happiest I had ever been. Suddenly, I started having doubts about the relationship (there is a 5 yr age gap, me being the elder at 30) and I started going out with the girls. I (for some unknown stupid reason) cheated, AND he found out shortly after (actually, I am summing it down a whole lot). Anyway, we made it through, and I have spent the whole year trying to make it up to him. I have never strayed since that hell-filled night (I know, I am soooo dramatic). I know how much I stand to lose, and will never make that mistake again. I know what your thinking, this was a one night out-of-character mistake... WRONG, I have always cheated, and I am known, within my circle of friends, as being a commitmentphobe and a player. Not to him though, cause I am positive he is who I was made for.
Relationships arent easy. They take constant work. I am willing to prove, for as long as it takes, to him that I love him and that I can be trusted. He deserves that.
If your guy is really serious about changing (we can never be 100% sure) and if he is worth the risk, then jump in head first. Nobody has ever died of a broken heart. At least, whatever the outcome, you know you gave it your all. That is what counts. If he does it again, MOVE ON AND DON'T EVER LOOK BACK!
This is the best I can do for now, I hope it helps.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2007
Tue, 06-26-2007 - 11:18pm

nursek101,


lips

Avatar for blondie0506
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-27-2007 - 12:22pm

So what I'm getting from this is that you've changed, not to become a better person for *yourself*, but because of consequences, which would be losing your bf. THat you know he's "the one" for you.

Are you saying that if the 2 of you hit a major rough patch down the road, AFTER the fluttery "in love" feelings of the first 2 years wears off, and you decide that maybe he's really NOT the one, that you'd go back to cheating?

Are you saying that if he broke up with you, that you wouldn't refrain from cheating on the next guy because he might not be "the one"?

This is what I'm talking about - have you changed your VALUES. Do you see that cheating involved lying, deception and betrayal and that THOSE traits are wrong an ugly, regardless of with whom you're in a relationship?

If you can say YES, I've changed, I think cheating is ugly and wrong, then I say ok. You're no longer a cheater.

But if you're standing on the ceremony that you wouldn't cheat on "THIS GUY" only, then I don't buy it.

Also, I think relationships *are* easy. Yes, they take work, but it shouldn't be difficult. Bumps in the road? Sure. But major construction? No way.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2005
Wed, 06-27-2007 - 1:13pm

....."the guy I live with takes of and leaves me hre alone whil he hangs out at the Beach then asks me not to be angry with him because I'm not good enough to meet his friends or go to the beach with.".....

Myspace Codes

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2007
Wed, 06-27-2007 - 5:55pm

I donot beleive in the saying Once a cheater, always a cheater. I think much of it depends on the age, circumstance, and of course morals. But I know ppl who, after drinking, make poor decisions based on alchohol-not morals and never have done it again. People- especially young people, make stupid impulsive mistakes. I am in the midst of this myself and not sure if I will take him back or not.

I always thought cheating was a deal breaker...i am learning another phrase "never say never" because my situation was a one night poor decision which ruined everything. Whether or not we get back together will depend on a LOT of time; but I am going to do what is best for me now, not him.

I believe people deserve second chances in certain cases. you said this happened early in your relationship - how long has it been since it happened? Were you exclusive at that point or still in the "getting to know you" stage? As for the ongoing chatting - that bothers me more than something that mayhave happened a long time ago and early on. If he is still "flirting" there is propensity for more trouble. he's just playing with fire and waiting to get burnt.

I think maybe you should take a break from him just to clear your mind and see what he does to prove changes to you. It sounds like he has more issues than maybe a one time thing- which means he likely needs counseling. you need to decide just how much you love him and do you want to work thru with him. Take some time to figure out what is best for you

now if i could as easily follow my own advice....

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