He doesnt know that I know he's cheating

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2008
He doesnt know that I know he's cheating
4
Sun, 03-30-2008 - 5:03am

What should I do???


I just found out that my boyfriend of almost three years whom I have a child with is cheating on me. Wow it really hurts to see it right there in black and white... I found out a

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Sun, 03-30-2008 - 9:26pm

Welcome to the board miss_jules,


I would highly recommend you seek a counselor that can help you deal with the burden of guilt you are carrying about about your son's father.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2008
Mon, 03-31-2008 - 5:22pm

I am so sorry that you are going through such a tramatic time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2003
Tue, 04-01-2008 - 12:17pm
You've got to figure out what you want to do. It's easy for us to say, dump him! Like you say, it's harder to do even if you know that it's the best path for you.
The most important thing for you to be doing is to take care of number one, you. You have to eat and sleep and get your exercise in even though you are stressed out. You are an important person and you have to nuture yourself in order to be able to nuture your children. I've walked in your shoes, two children under three and a cheating husband so I know what it is to have sleepless nights and just making it through the day. You are caught up in this drama and ignoring your kids. You may be making their breakfast and taking them to the park, but you are not really there with them, you're fretting about your boyfriend. They deserve a mom who is present with them. You are permitting your boyfriend to take this time away from your kids that you will never get back. That is my biggest regret about that time period, the time I lost with my kids. Instead of playing with them, I was on in my head. Mom to mom, don't do this to your family.
Your post is reflective of your own rambling thoughts...I want to get my revenge this way or that way. I want him to pay. It is said that the best revenge is to be happy.
I don't know why you're with men who cheat on you, do you? There is a reason for this and it's not rotten luck. It's something about you and what attracts you to them. You do deserve better than this, but you're not going to get it until you feel that you deserve better. Right now you want him to change and be the man he used to be...people don't change because we wish it was so or because we manipulate them. People change when they hit a crisis and they want to change...sometimes.
You are wasting your own time fantasizing about revenge, confrontations and wanting him to change. Don't spend your time thinking about how he used to be and how you were together. Don't spend time thinking about how great it would all be if you could bring him to his knees and make him love you again. Those things aren't real- those are distractions from dealing with reality. Today is real. Being in a relationship with a man who's betraying you and the kids is real. Waking up and choosing to stay today is real. Doing things to take care of yourself is real.
I'm from the school of thought that once a cheat, always a cheat. I firmly believe that if you forgive him, he'll cheat again. It's very hard work to change who we are. People can change, but it takes things like a lot of individual work in therapy and motivation. And they have to want to change. The thing is not to get caught up in a pack of lies and watch for real work, real change. Sometimes people lose many relationships, jobs and family before they look in the mirror and realize that they're the common denominator.
Accepting that you are not god and that you can't control other people is very important. Taking care of yourself and making decisions that are healthy for you and the kids are very important. The sooner that you work on your issues and stop repeating history, the better off all of you will be. Your kids are hostages right now to your choices in men.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Tue, 04-01-2008 - 1:11pm

Welcome to the board miss_jules,


I think that you have already gotten a lot of good advice. I agree with Carrie that you need to realize that you are not responsible for the death of your oldest son's father. I really think you just need to tell Shane that you know he is cheating and then go from there. Or if you want, take some time to really think about what you want to do and then tell him.