he doesn't talk to me about issues

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2007
he doesn't talk to me about issues
1
Sat, 04-07-2007 - 12:00pm
My fiance and I have been together about two years now. He doesn't talk to me about any relationship issues that are bothering him. Instead he goes to talk to his mother to tell her the problems/issues he is having with me. He rarely if ever says anything to me to acknowledge that there is a concern that we need to discuss and work through together. Instead he lets his mother tell him how to handle a situation. I feel this puts a rift between she and I and it makes me feel uncomfortable to be around her alone as well as in his presence. I also feel it causes a rift between he and I because I'm not the one he's talking to about these issues and it really gets me emotional and keeps me emotional. He says I am controlling his life and that I am unorganized and there's lots more but he won't share these with me. He left last night saying he needed to get his head on and he didn't know. Furthermore, I had to confront him because I was feeling very intuitive that something wasn't right with he and I and his actions towards me. I actually had to confront him to even get anything out of him and then he said very little and left it like this..........what I just stated about the control, etc. He hardly ever talks anyways. He is a very reserved person. I feel like I have to pry words out of his more or even a conversation. I guess he was just gonna keep treating me differently and not tell me until he just walked out the door. I can't believe I had to practically beg him to talk to me. I really think he has emotional problems from the past with his mother because she wasn't in his life when he was growing up and now he's trying to be best friends with her and put her before me. I don't understand....I really don't. I have alot of emotions bottled up inside right now. I feel betrayed as well. Why would he not talk to me ? I'm the one he supposedly loves and has the issues with. This is really all shocking to me because it just happened all at once after I approached him....................I don't even know what to think. Please feel free to offer guidance and support. I feel these are issues that just need to be worked through, but it has to start with communication with he and I since they are our problems to begin with.
Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 04-07-2007 - 5:43pm

You are in a very unhealthy situation with an unhealthy man. For starters, it is impossible to have a good relationship unless both of you are willing to communicate with each other openly and easily. It is completely inappropriate for him to talk over his problems with you with his mother. What goes on in your relationship should stay there. And of course he needs to discuss it with you. If he can't and won't communicate, the bottom line is that you have no basis of a relationship. Also, if he puts his mother in front of you in this way, that also indicates a real problem on his part, and that he is not yet ready to be an adult and have a mature relationship with a woman. He still wants his mamma's love and approval most.


This man needs psychological treatment, and it doesn't seem as if he's open to that. Unless he wants to work on these problems, or even see them as problems, there's really no hope for anything here. Not only that, the situation can only be frustrating and humiliating to you in many ways.


Face what's going on and take a good look at what you truly feel you deserve in a relationship, and then make a healthy choice for you.


Best wishes,