He doesn't want to get married!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2011
He doesn't want to get married!
10
Thu, 02-23-2012 - 11:27am

First we are not at a point where I think we should get married.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2010
Thu, 02-23-2012 - 11:45am

I'm definitely not an expert by any stretch.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2011
Thu, 02-23-2012 - 11:55am

Thanks for your response.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Thu, 02-23-2012 - 2:16pm

Bella, you are already having a significant trust issue with this man (http://forums.ivillage.com/t5/Relationship-Problems/Not-sure-what-to-do/m-p/118606511#M46268), unless you have been able to resolve this situation from a couple of months ago.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 02-23-2012 - 4:18pm

To some people, marriage is important, to others it's not.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Fri, 02-24-2012 - 12:07am

Why would you consider marrying a man you don't trust?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Fri, 02-24-2012 - 1:08pm
When you have a couple, and one wants marriage and the other doesn't know, I think that's right up there with someone who wants kids and the other doesn't know (or does know they do not want kids). It's a deal breaker!

You can stick around and then reassess it all after the 2 year mark - that's a decent amount of time for someone to know whether they want to get married or not.

If he still does not want to get married (or even like the idea of marriage) after two years, and it is your dream and your deal breaker then you two aren't compatible.

You would throw it away [I'd file it under a life experience, not a waste] because it's not what you wanted for yourself.

How long have you been dating now?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2012
Fri, 02-24-2012 - 3:26pm
There is nothing wrong with wanting to be married, no matter what kind of spin this guy puts on it.

I agree with the pp who said that he doesn't want to get married--at least not to you. My advice is to give yourself a deadline (and don't tell him) about when you'll end the relationship if it's not giving you what you want. I think all of his accusations were designed to make you feel guilty and quit bringing up the topic.

Personally, I'd get my exit plan in order because this guy isn't going to marry you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Wed, 02-29-2012 - 9:29am

I agree with fissatore.

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Thu, 03-01-2012 - 11:46am

There is nothing wrong with wanting to get married but as another poster said, you have to ask yourself why do you want/need the marriage label for your relationship? Yes fo course there may be legal benefits with insurance, etc.

If you are staunchly religious and it is important to you from this perspective, then of course you have every right to pursue your faith.

Marriage involves vows, but when push comes to shove , how many people REALLY follow those vows? Clearly a great many people do not. So in actuality they were not really vows to begin with. They were more like, strong intentions. So I ask you, if this is the attitude, then why is there a need for the marriage label.

Peoples attitudes towards marriage and living together are changing and will continue to change. Based on the latest 2010 census data for the U.S., for the first time over 50% of households were headed by unmarried people. Again, if marriage is right for you than you have every right to demand it from your relationship. I am just trying to provide more perspectives and possibly make you look at why it is that you value marriage. You might say just because the trend is toward non-marriage, why should I follow the trend? You are correct not to follow just because everyone else is doing it, or many people are doing it. So maybe we should ask how much of ones desire to get married is based on reality and fact and how much is based on what society has beat into us for generations and "its just what people do".

Clearly there are reasons for getting married if children are involved or you are planning to have kids.

Personally I see the logic in what he is saying about not needing to get married and why isn't it enough to just commit to each other. If he doesnt want marriage because he has doublts about you or your relationship, then thats an entirely different matter.

Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004
Sun, 03-04-2012 - 7:29am

Bella,

You don't say how old you both are or how long you've been together, but here's what I do know as a 50something woman looking back on her life: men are always 5-10 years behind women in making commited choices. That's dating exculsively, getting engaged, getting married, having children, buying a house, planting roots, etc. etc.