He doesn't want kids

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2004
He doesn't want kids
4
Fri, 02-20-2004 - 10:53am
Hi.

It's been a while since I've been on this site. I guess things have been going well between us. Well, another blip. We're in a long distance relationship and he's separated from his wife. We ended up in a long conversation over the phone yesterday - I in tears and he questioning our future 'cause he's sure he doesn't want children and I'm sure that I would like to try. The thing is, I don't just want kids for the sake of having them. I want his child, only if and when the timing is right, and if we are so blessed to be given that gift. He said he doesn't even want to try and said that it would kill him to deny me something that I've always wanted. What I've learned about myself is that there are certain things about our relationship and about him in particular that have made me come to the decision that I want HIS children, not just anybody's.

So, do we break up and go our separate ways, never knowing what would have or could have developed between us? I don't think I'll ever meet anyone like him again. I know it sounds cliche but I'm 35 and I've had enough relationships to know what is healthy and happy and what isn't, and this, by far, is the happiest, healthiest, most fulfilling relationship I've ever been in! I don't understand why this decision has to be made now, but he seems to be pulling away. Should I just let him go? He doesn't seem to understand what he means to me and that my decision about children is a function of him, not some other guy that I might meet that may want children.

Please help.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Fri, 02-20-2004 - 11:01am
'He doesn't seem to understand what he means to me and that my decision about children is a function of him, not some other guy that I might meet that may want children.'

Just because it is a 'function of him', doesn't mean he will change his mind. Regardless of why you want children he has made it clear that he doesn't. You can't compromise on this issue so you have to decide if you will be happy with him and without children.

'but I'm 35 and I've had enough relationships to know what is healthy and happy and what isn't...this, by far, is the happiest, healthiest, most fulfilling relationship I've ever been in!'

And you are involved with a man who just left his wife?

I remember your log in name but not your last post. Can you give us any info about your situation?


.............

I found your post :

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlrelationsh&msg=16850.1





Edited 2/20/2004 11:05:09 AM ET by ciao_gina

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2004
Fri, 02-20-2004 - 11:24am
Hi Gina!

Yes, you helped me out way back about my question about pushing him away. Okay here's the scoop.

We've known eachother since we were kids. Lost touch and found eachother again in October. He had separated from his wife before he met me and is waiting out the divorce time. He wasn't happy in his marriage for a long time. I believe him. He is extremely open (sometimes too open). He didn't plan on meeting anyone, but he and I have just developed this incredibly open, honest and loving relationship so we went with it. He has no intention of going back to her. He is paying the maintenence payments, and separated amicably. No kids. He said he didn't want any with her, but considered it anyway.

Then I came in the picture and he and I have been in this long-distance relationship essentially since we met in October.

Now we're at this crossroads. We hit one early on because he's in the military and his career involves him moving around a lot. I struggled with that, but decided early on that we didn't have to make any major decisions, and that all we had to do was get to know one another as adults, and go with it, and if the decision had to be made, that I would consider moving with him. That was December. He freaked himself out and then thanked me for reminding him about what we're all about and that we're in this together.

Now, this children thing has come up. Given my age, I'm not certain that I will be blessed with children. I would only like to attempt that in a marriage, if at all. There is just something so blissful and beautiful about our relationship that I felt it would be wonderful to have HIS child. That has been troubling him. He doesn't want kids because he feels he can't be the father he wants to be, or that his dad was to him because of his career. He fears he won't be around enough and can't deal with that guilt and feeling of failure. All I tried to tell him is that he can't and shouldn't write-off having a child because of so many unknowns, and that just because he wouldn't be the dad that his dad was, he'd still be an amazing one. It's his own internal struggle, and I'm not going to try and convince him of anything.

I love him so, so much and I know that he loves me. Now what?

I don't want to break up, and I feel him pulling away as I mentioned earlier. Do I want to imagine my life without him? No. Can I imagine a life with him and no children. Yes.

thanks

Avatar for lucy4980
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 02-20-2004 - 12:29pm
If you honestly believe that you can be happy without having children, then I think you have a chance with this relationship. On the otherhand, if you really want to have a child and are hoping he will change his mind, then you are setting yourslf up for disappointment and probably some serious relationship problems.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Fri, 02-20-2004 - 1:40pm
'Given my age, I'm not certain that I will be blessed with children.'

I had a child at 37. I have friends who had children at 40, 41 and 43. I have a friend who is adopting at 45. You have plenty of time so don't discount that.

'Can I imagine a life with him and no children. Yes.'

Really? You seem to be contradicting yourself.