He feels like he has to lie

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2004
He feels like he has to lie
4
Fri, 07-30-2004 - 12:58pm
I don't understand. His ex wife never understood him. She nagged him all the time about things he did. He never cheated on her, but because of how she was, he could have. He loved her too much to do that. But she accused him of it anyway. Now he's married to me. I'm more open. I don't tolerate cheating, so I'd never be able to accept that, but I'm more open in the respect that he can talk to me about anything and even if I don't like it, I can discuss it with him and get past it. He likes to spend money and he often spends money without ever saying anything to me about it. I find out by looking at our account online. Then he accuses me of checking up on him. He goes onto the computer and browses and then clear the history folder so I won't know what he viewed. It's not like I don't know he looks at porn sometimes. What man doesn't? But he feels like he has to hide things from me. I have snooped in his things before, but we talked about it and I no longer do this. Occasionally I go into his money clip to retrieve receipts from places we went just so I can balance the checkbook. But nothing more than that. I don't look at the business cards he has, I don't go into his phone, I stay out of it. He doesn't go into my things either. He says I'm too insecure and this is why I get so angry about him not telling me things. But I'm insecure because he DOESN'T tell me things. Even something as minor as a purchase on ebay should be discussed. Not that I need him to ask permission to bid, but if he wins something on one of the auctions, he should feel like he can come home and say he won and share his excitement with me. His excuse is that he bids while at work and has no time to enjoy the victory and I usually don't like the stuff he gets anyway. So what? I can be happy for him, right? I want to feel like an equal partner here. He says I have it made. He doesn't ask me to work, I'm home, he's good to me and good to my kid. Yeah, he loves us and I don't have to work if I choose not to, but I don't have it made. If I did, I wouldn't be so sad. I want my man to be open with me. He's so used to lying to his ex about everything, he projects that onto us. And it's not fair. He says I nag him. That I drag him down about things he does and he's tired of explaining himself so he just keeps his mouth closed. This is not healthy. I wrote a list of things that I felt were wrong in our marriage and the solutions to them, plus what I'd do to aid us in getting it right. He reads it and promises we'll talk about it, avoids it for over a week, then last night during a fight he pulls it out and ridicules every part. He called it female psycho babble and it was all worthless crap I dreamed up to make him feel bad. I'm always wrong, I never make sense, but yet he wants me here.

What gives? Guys, am I just being over sensitive or is there something really nasty about our marriage?

Viv

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2004
Fri, 07-30-2004 - 1:24pm
Certain men are extremely private and have had past reasons to remain that way. I think you are focusing too much on the initial problem. You are informed about one of the causes of this behavior (his ex wife) and maybe he has developed a stigma about it weather you are married or not. My bf and his ex wife had a similar past and he does carry it around. I have accepted the fact that I cannot chage that and he less you nag and seem concerned about the way he does things, maybe he will open up more. Being open is one thing but you can't force people to open up. If you trust him, then trust him. It is hard as hell to do but it make things a lot healthier for the both of you.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 07-30-2004 - 2:22pm
Well, what I see is this: he's been like this all along, and you married him anyway, but now you're trying to change him. That's not very fair, is it? If you wanted a man who was always open with you, then you should have married a different man; it's not realistic to expect him to change. You either need to accept him AS IS, or end the marriage. Now, he *might* change, but only if he thinks his behavior is a problem and is highly motivated to do so. That seems unlikely in your situation.

Plus, rather than working *together* to reach solutions to problems you BOTH perceive, you TELL him what the problems are and what the solutions are. That wouldn't sit well with most people. Perhaps working with a neutral third party like a couples counselor would help.

I'm re-reading a book right now that might help you. It's called "Loving Men More, Needing Men Less", by Judith Sills.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Fri, 07-30-2004 - 2:38pm


This is one of those cases where it would be enlightening to hear her side of things don't you think?

'She nagged him all the time about things he did.'

Do you suppose maybe she 'nagged' him because he was secretive, he lied, he looked at porn, he didn't share positive experiences with her, he spent too much money, etc?

'he's good to me'

Is that how you see it?

It is time for counseling when he redicules your attempt to communicate with him about issues in the marriage.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2004
Fri, 07-30-2004 - 4:57pm
You might be right. Maybe I am focusing too much on what he doesn't say instead of focusing on what he does. I know I love this man with all my heart and I know he's not out cheating. He's here every night..with me. Occasionally, he will go play poker or something like that with the guys, but he's just at one of their houses for a few hours and he calls. He is good to me and my child. He treats my son like he's his own. I can't ask for a better deal, but I do wish he'd open up a little. I don't want to be treated like his ex. She was a nag. I might nag sometimes. I admit it. But not nearly as much as he says she did. About EVERYthing. I don't ask to know every detail of his life even though as his wife, I deserve to. I only want to know what's important. I want him to share his excitement with me when he finds somethings he's been looking for. I might not appreciate everything he likes, but that doesn't mean I can't be happy for him just as he's supportive and happy for me when I find something I like. I don't think it's much to ask.