HE forgave me, why can't I ?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2012
HE forgave me, why can't I ?
Thu, 01-05-2012 - 9:53am

My husband of 9 years and I have had a somewhat rocky relationship. He was / is an alcoholic, had both EA's and PA's beginning when I was pregnant with our 1st child (she is now 5 and we have a 3 year old son).

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Thu, 01-05-2012 - 1:27pm

You need to contiinue your counseling because you have so many problems......not only your affair, but your inability to leave an abusive marriage, your inability to share the fact that you were IN an abusive marriage, and yes, because you're really screwing up your kids, and have been right along.

I understand not wanting to tell anyone about the mess you were in, not to protect him, but to protect yourself from people telling you what you KNEW you should do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Thu, 01-05-2012 - 1:38pm

I agree with fissatore. I only want to add... He forgave you because he needed to keep you around as a victim. You can't forgive him because you still ARE a victim.

There is no part of any marriage that should include the word "abuse" (I'm going to say, especially sexual abuse). You need a way out, because abusive men never change. Never. He is putting on a good face for you because he knows you've had one foot out the door, in the form of an affair. He will do and say anything, temporarily, to get you to stay.

The damage has been done, there is no way to fix a relationship this broken. Not with an abuser. I hope you will bring up to your counselor that you want to leave this marriage and need help navigating your way out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006
Thu, 01-05-2012 - 3:01pm

<< Firstly, he felt the need to tell all our friends and family who can't even begin to understand what I have been through with this man (due solely to my decision NOT to air our problems) yet consistently feel the need to remind me how I'm "destroying my children" . I'm not justifying my actions at all in fact it's just the opposite. >>

Just in case you missed it, his abuse has never stopped, he just changed tactics due to the affair on your part. He is now playing on your guilt/shame and really, the goal of the physical abuse was not against your body, but your soul and the body was just a vehicle to get inside it.

You are a victim to the n'th degree and he is an abuser to the n'th degree. Should the two of you separate without getting help before your next relationships, he will find another victim and you will find another abuser.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2011
Thu, 01-05-2012 - 5:48pm
Lost- I hope you are finally on your way to being found! I truly do. You deserve much much more. there is something very weird about affairs for many of us. No matter what side you are on of WS or BS, they have a way of slapping you awake into the reality you have been living in. For me, it was shocking to open my eyes to what I had become.

I too am a very private person. I don't see that changing. I too was very closed mouth about the verbal and emotional abuse I suffered. I have not told anyone (other than parents) of his infidelity not only to protect him, but to also protect myself. No one knows your life better than you. Outsiders (family and friends) are quick to take sides and make judgements, form opinions- not necessarily to cause further harm, but for myself I had all I could handle on my plate. I felt the fewer involved the better. That's why a counselor can be good because you have an unbiased confidential professional to dump on.

All we can do in life is the best we can. We are stronger at times and weaker in others. It sounds to me that you have this opportunity to make a positive change in your life. I agree with other posters that your husband is not acting like a stereotypical BS. It's odd and you have every reason to be wary and suspicious. It also seems like he is and will always be a huge roadblock in
Your recovery because if you're happy, he is not. He seems to thrive on your misery and is delighted that you too took a fall from grace. Now you are no better than he is. That is how I think HE may feel.

As mothers it is so easy to get wrapped up in the kids, sacrificing and going without. I think it's time that you take time for you. Find the happy and whole person that you are capable of being. If you have things in your past, you can work thru all that in your therapy. Your kids deserve to see their mother happy, self assured and confident. They need your good example.

There is nothing that you can't do. You had an affair, there are many other things that are much much worse. Also keep in mind, that there isn't a person on the planet that hasn't made a big mistake or hurt someone in the process. No one is in any possession to judge you for your actions. We all have dirty laundry in our lives. All of us.

Focus on you. The past cannot be changed. The future can. Focus on what you want to change not on what you wish you could.

Take care

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2002
Thu, 01-05-2012 - 8:05pm


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2012
Fri, 01-06-2012 - 3:36pm

Thank you for the kind and frank words. I actually just had both MC and IT today so it's an understatment to say I'm a bit wrung out. In the last week I think I've bottomed-out and realized that if I don't take control of things something very bad will happen. By that I mean I have been acting out very irresponsibly, not the least of which was the affair. I don't even understand how it's possible. It sounds ridiculous to say out loud but I've come to accept that view of myself and be comfortable with it. But I know that is just becoming a way for me to avoid confronting the issues in my life. How I got here I don't know but it's both helping and hurting me seeing the work in front of me. It's going to be incredibly difficult for me to get to a place I feel confident but I know that's the first thing I need to do. These boards are definitely helping me to see what's right in front of my face.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2012
Fri, 01-06-2012 - 4:14pm

I think you wanted your marriage to be better and for him to stop drinking. I believe the only reason why he did change his act is because of what you did. I believe the reason why you can't forgive yourself, because of all of the resentment you had with him for some many years. Maybe for you to have a healthy relationship is to be with someone

www.findingfreedomteam.com/ KLittle