he gets upset over the LITTLEST things..

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2007
he gets upset over the LITTLEST things..
19
Tue, 08-28-2007 - 6:08pm

Im so fed up with my bf! its been 9 months and we were soo happy and soo in loved. we talked about the future and how we were meant for each other... dont get me wrong, i still love him. i just need some advice!!
my bf gets upset at the littlest things, he is the type of guy when something ticks him off he becomes really quiet, and tends to ignore you, or worst sometimes say hurtful stuff to me when he doesnt mean it. little things as in:
-showing up late at his house when i told him a certain time OR
-when he came back to his room i was talking on the phone with my mom (he picked up his phone and started calling his friends!)OR
-when i simply laughed at him when he hurt himself OR
-when i simply said "hey look at that cute cat" in a passing car, while he was reading something to me. ( he felt like i wasnt paying attention to him)
-this is funny: when he offered to drive MY car and i said no (we had a big fight btw)

These situation shouldnt even BECOME an argument in the first place. because its stupiD!but he does! and i had to spend time breaking it down for him...explaining it to him..sometime i would feel its my fault when i shouldnt.its him! right? BUT let me tell you that im the type of girl when he gets mad i want to know whats bothering him right away. if he doenst tell me i would keep on asking him. i hate when he ignores me!! i dont know what is wrong with him, is he inscure? he loves me too much? i shed so many tears for him, i mean i can only hold on for so much. enough is enough! im so sick of this... what is his problem?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Tue, 08-28-2007 - 8:52pm
He sounds extremely petty and spiteful. Not a great person to have a mature relationship with. I don't think I could deal with someone who handled even the slightest problems with the intensity he does.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Tue, 08-28-2007 - 8:53pm

>>one incident where we had been fighting..and he told me out of no where that he needed a break and i said no, he said it would be good for us. so fiinally i agreed, and he said "oh so you gonna let me go just like that?" i was confused and said wahht?? <<

Tag, this is a very good reason to break up with him. Someone who calls your bluff threatening a breakup is manipulative.

I wouldn't have gone back to him if I were you.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Tue, 08-28-2007 - 8:57pm

Kitchewiz, I think your reasons for not letting someone drive your car are totally reasonable. Of course someone else can't drive it if they're not insured. And if someone's going to blow up your gearbox and won't take lesson from you, they shouldn't drive either.

I also agree about how late someone is determines how mad we should be. 10-15 mins is no big deal. 2 hours is an issue.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2007
Tue, 08-28-2007 - 9:15pm
Iv_aisha,
thanks for agreeing and understanding my point. That means a lot. Sometimes I'm not sure if I'm writing what I'm trying to say, but yes, it's not like sharing a bicycle.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2010
Tue, 08-28-2007 - 9:23pm

I don't feel think you did anything that was that bad to make him get very upset over. Both my DH and I have been late when we said we were going to meet each other now and when we were just dating. Sometimes there is traffic, road work, working late, etc, unless DH is hours late I don't worry and don't get mad.

My parents will often inturrept me if they see something when we are driving. Not a big deal, they want me to see something that will only be there for a second. I just look, say oh cool and keep saying what I saw.

I also don't like people driving my car and I rarely drive DH's car either. I like to drive my car because I know it. If I get into an accident it is my fault and not DH's which would be a cause of stress between us. I would only let DH drive my car if I we were out and I got really tired of started to feel ill.

I also talk to my mom a lot. Dh never gets mad, he will either go onto the computer or play a game and wait until I am done. I don't see a reason to get mad over that.

My parents gave me the best advice when I got married: Decide what battles are worth it to you and pick them wisely. Meaning, if it really isn't a big deal treat it as such.

I could get mad at DH for leaving empty food boxes on the counter but I don't. Instead I throw them away and might simply say "you forgot to throw your hot pocket box out" and he will say "oh sorry I forgot or didn't realize what time it was and had to rush out to get to work on time". Sometimes I don't even say anything and just go on and throw it away. I realize no one is perfect and argueing over every little thing isn't good.

I can really say DH and I have only been in 1 major fight in 10 years and it was when he went out after work and didn't tell me he was going. We didn't live together but he got out of work at 10, it was Sunday night, most things were closed and he was driving an OLD car with no cell phone. He didn't get home until 2am. I drove his route home from work to his house and couldn't find him thinking maybe his car had broken down. When he did get home I came to find out he had to work late and then went to Denny's went some coworkers and they sat and talked. He thought I would already be in bed so didn't call to let me know.

We did get into a big fight over that because I really was worried and he was not one to not call if he was working late or going some place. I was fine with him going out but sitting for hours wondering where he was scared me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2007
Tue, 08-28-2007 - 9:39pm

Is he trying to break up with you? I have no idea.

That would totally concern me with the manipulation he's doing to you. Saying he wants a break then pointing the finger at you because you said, well maybe ok, maybe we should then, if that's what you want. Then he gets all upset. I have a motto, "Don't threaten something you can't follow through with".

Remember, when they point ONE finger at you, there are 3 pointing back at themselves. He, in my opinion only, has definite control issues. Look at everything you wrote so far. Control, Control, Control,......he's mad that you looked at a cat when he was reading you something. Big whoopty doo! You apoligized and you still get castrated mentally.

It's YOUR FAULT, YOU MAKE ME THIS MAD, IT'S YOUR FAULT, YOU YOU YOU shouldn't have said that, done that, been 3 seconds late. It was your fault that you agreed for a time out when I suggested it in the first place.

And I wonder how many crying hours you spent with yourself, blaming yourself!!! Wondering what you did wrong. Sure we all have our little glitches but what you listed aren't anything to get your panties in a bunch over. Geez!!!

It's starting to come out now isn't it, within you? I think that's why you wrote this to begin with. One saying I love in life is "how important IS IT?" I've used that so many times when seemingly important things happened and I would concentrate on that sentence and, well, it really wasn't that important. My car rule's still stand though. LOL

I know it's So hard to even think of the idea of breaking up. You've got time vested. There's something all mushy in your being, in your soul, you feel like you want to give more and more chances. You make molehills out of mountains sometimes. Sometimes you blame yourself, 'if I only didn't mention that CAT, he wouldn't be mad at me'. 'If only I didn't laugh when he fell on the ice, he wouldn't be mad at me'.

I'd like to know what you do to console him? How further has the consolations gotten now? Basically, how much do you apologize for something that is completely trivial, How Important is it???

Like I said in another post, it will be a tissue you didn't see fall out of the waste basket and onto the floor.

What does long term hold? Little Tommy pooped his pants 1 minute and 7 seconds ago, I need to process this, leave me alone you (blankety blankety, blank). You MADE me hit you. You ASKED for it. Where you looking at that guy at the stop sign? WHAM! Pay attention to the tiny things that seem trivial now! This is something that I can tell you I will not let anyone trivialize with me, they DO get worse the longer you allow it!!!!

Oh and I hate to say this too... But I also laugh when someone falls on the ice! Not when someone is seriously hurt, in any way shape or form, but I took what you wrote as it was a little falling down trivial thing, or something that really didn't hurt him at all, just a little boo-boo.

I live in Michigan and it happens all the time, BUT I have learned restraint to see if someone is really hurt, (meaning when I was a child in school we all laughed, even the one that fell, we didn't have far to fall back when we were small) if they aren't hurt and they start laughing too (A Michigan thing-it happens all the time) then I'll start laughing. Heck, I laugh when I fall on the ice, which happens a few times every year!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2007
Tue, 08-28-2007 - 9:43pm

Seirith,
I completely agree with everything you said. Even why you had that arguement. And your parents are right on with choosing battles.

Good to know!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2007
Wed, 08-29-2007 - 1:01am

he does use manipulation now come to think of it. we promised to never go to sleep mad. we promised to talk about it before we go home. i remembered once we were in our cars he called me and told me to go, i said no, he said go so i left and he turned around and blame me for leaving without talking about it.

as for consoling him...? i do everything i can to make him feel better. sometimes i would blurt out stuff that made him even worst. i tend to say things without thinking twice, without anylzing how he might take it..

oh have i metion he was cheated on by his ex gf years ago. do you think that might be his problem.. hmmm..

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Wed, 08-29-2007 - 5:48am
Being cheated on by his ex many years ago doesn't give him a license to manipulate you now. Please don't enable him by making excuses for his behavior.

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