He "ghosted" one year ago and is now calling for a "coffee"! What do I say?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-15-2012
He "ghosted" one year ago and is now calling for a "coffee"! What do I say?
Tue, 12-03-2013 - 9:41pm
  • Brad and I dated for approx five months and I felt it was good.  We enjoyed so much together, shopping, antiquing, movies, dinners out, going for walks and the sex was great.  THEN I had an accident and needed emergency brain  surgery.  THIS close to death, ten days in ICU, 150+ staples in my head,severe concussion, etc, etc.  My son called him to let him know what happened. Never came to the hospital, no calls to see if I survived or if he could drop by(he lives three miles away).Needless to say I was heartbroken but I eventually moved on. I have since met a wonderful man who treats me in the way I want to be treated.  We are together almost 24/7 and get along very well.  He is kind, considerate, loving, giving, understanding of my past and wants to meet and be apart of my life and children's life. So out of the blue, almost a year to the day, Brad calls and wants to meet for coffee.  As if nothing happened, as if we last spoke a week ago. I ignored his first message, but he continues to call. My gut says ignor him,but I would like to ask "What?"
  • So, any suggestions? Do I ask WTF? Where have you been for the last year? Are you calling because you haven't been laid for three months? Did you ever ?
  • Thanks for listening and I appreciate any reply.
  • Jeanne
Avatar for sabrtooth
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-1999

Ok, I know this isn't exactly what the post was about, but I'm confused.  First you say about the new guy...

"We are together almost 24/7 and get along very well".

THEN you say...  "He ... wants to meet and be apart of my life and children's life".

So the new guy you are with 24/7, has never met you...  And the OLD guy was with you for 5 months and you were already in bed with him and you were with HIM all the time and everything was great, till he fell off the map.  And now the old guy is calling again, and you want suggestions.

My suggestion is ... Re read what I just wrote.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008

IMHO, ignore the call.  You have moved on, have a great relationship with new guy and the old guy was not there for you in hard times--he isn't worth the effort.


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009

Read your post.  You can't be together 24/7 if he wants to meet and be a part of your life and your childrens lives.  I'm going to guess that you've met, and now he wants to meet your children, you just worded it wrong.  How long have you known THIS guy?  If you think that this new guy "is the one".......then you should simply tell Brad that you're sorry, you're in a relationship, and you're not interested.  Thanks but no thanks.  There's no need to bring up the past, just that you're otherwise involved now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013

The next time he calls, answer. Tell him that you won't give the time of day to someone who doesn't even bother coming to see you in the hospital after 5 months of dating. Tell him you have a boyfriend, but even if you didn't, you don't want him ever calling you again since he's shown you he's not a person worthy of you. People who have the gall that he does deserves to be put in their place. As Maya Angelou says, "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time."

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

I agree.  I'd probably just text him so I wouldn't have to talk--or call at a time you know he won't answer to leave a message.  I'd say that when you needed him, he disappeared with no explanation so you don't feel the need to talk to him now and you are involved with someone else, so it's too late.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010

Do you WANT to know why he just disappeared a year ago, and why he wants to talk to you now? Whatever he could say would probably just upset you so personally I don't think its a great idea, but if you think it will provide closure for you then talk to him. Do it over the phone so you can hang up quickly. No need to see him in person for this.

If you don't want any answers then just text him a reply. Tell him you don't want to meet up because there's nothing to say, you two are not friends. You're in a good relationship and happy. You could mention your health if you feel like telling him anything more about yourself. There's no need for you to say you're sorry about anything---about not meeting him or not wanting to talk to him. You have nothing to apologize for.

He might be feeling bad about disappearing and want to apologize or he may just be curious or he may want to rekindle something. Whatever, that's all his problem and you don't need to get drawn into it. The less contact you have with him the better because there's really nothing to be gained for you.