Is he giving me lines?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2008
Is he giving me lines?
3
Fri, 02-08-2008 - 11:24am

Sorry for how long this is, but I can't help but give some context...

I have been with my boyfriend for about 7 months now. From the day we met, we were instantly a couple. No guy before him was

able to keep my interest for more than a couple of months! And I've dated a lot of guys. As he's got two years on me, he's

been in a few serious relationships (5 year relationship with his high school sweetheart, 2.5 year relationship with a live-in

girlfriend) and dated as well -- so I guess we just realize we had something special. We hope to marry each other and have

kids together, the whole 9 yards, and we're getting an apartment together soon... as we practically live together now. We're

both cautious about it all but so far, so great.

However, recently I logged into his gmail account by accident. I have done this many times before, and never felt compelled to

look through his emails. I don't know if it was boredom that motivated me to peek around, but I did. Specifically, I looked at

his sent mail and noticed an email titled "I Love You". It was not an email to me.

I went on to read emails he sent to two different girls, first in June and then in early July... this was all before he met

me. As well, he was contacting these girls during different months (so I didn't get the impression he was playing them, he's

just not that kind of person). There may be some mystery to Ben, but I know he's no cheater or player. If anything, he's a

serial monogamist.

However, I did some more investigative work and found out the "I Love You" girl is a girl he's told me about -- a crazy chick

that fell for him and gave him an XBox, who he dumped quite willingly. His friends make fun of him for it to this day. He told

me this girl was a 2-week fling that didn't mean anything and he almost seemed embarrassed to have dated her. I never dreamed

he told her he LOVED her! It took 3 months for him to tell me that. So why was he telling it to a girl he apparently dated for

a few weeks? Either he lied to me about their relationship or wasn't sincere when he told her those three words; whatever the

case, I don't like it and it makes me sick to my stomach. :/

The other email consisted of him calling a girl, Ashley, "sweetheart" and I could just tell he adored her at the time.

This was all in a 2-month period *right* before he met me. I trust him completely right now and do not perceive these girls as

a threat. BUT - how many times has he said "I love you" to a girl? And if it's been a lot, how can I know he truly means it

when he says it to me? And why would he hide these past relationships from me, if they meant so much to him, whilst being

honest about his other 2 serious relationships? And why would he go to the trouble of deleting his sent mail from July and on

but save those emails? (These emails, from June and July, were on the second page of sent mail, I did not have to dig for

them!)

I realize perfectly that I am asking questions that cannot be answered by you guys, and analyzing things that are irrelevant

to my current relationship. However, I opened a Pandora's Box and can't go backward in time.

It bothers me that I've been misled about some things in his past and I can't seem to look at him the same way any more. He

gave me the impression he had two serious relationships and no other girl really did it for him as he's sooo picky. So to come

across these emails is more than a little shocking for me.

I don't know what to do. Those emails weren't my business and I shouldn't have read them. I feel bad about reading them (a)

and I don't know what to do about it (b). Do I tell him what I did and ask for some enlightenment? Do I just try to let it go

and learn from this mistake? I suddenly feel like our awesome relationship is an illusion, something his past girlfriends

experienced too. When he says I'm the best thing that ever happened to him -- I now wonder... has he said that to someone else

before?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2007
Fri, 02-08-2008 - 11:52am

Since you know his past now, which is definately not pleasant, it all depends on you to continue or break. If i was you , this would prompt me to think how many more girls of which i am not even aware of.Trust comes here or maybe lack of , for future R.

what do you have to learn here? To not read his mails in future? Well , i guess, you have saved yourself from future heartbreak unknowingly.

Many guys just throw ILY 's just to get a girl and hardly know what it is.

I agree to your title.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Fri, 02-08-2008 - 11:54am

Welcome to the board laurajk07,


I think, in a way, you answered your own question - you said he's a "serial monogamist" - they say "I Love You' they get attached quickly in a relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2007
Fri, 02-08-2008 - 1:15pm

I think that you are correct in saying that we cannot answer these questions for you, and it is ALWAYS a mistake to jump to conclusions. It's very easy for you to read those e-mails and think that you've got the whole picture, but we all know that human beings are complex, not to mention relationships.


I think that you should just be honest with your boyfriend, and tell him that you happened upon these e-mails, and was slightly concerned because he had given you the impression that this very short lived girlfriend meant nothing to him. And you wondered why he told her he loved her. The only reason I would suggest asking him, is because it is a legitimate concern. A two-week long fling, especially someone he seemed to not particularly like, doesn't warrant an I Love you. But maybe she said it to him first, and he just said it back to her, or maybe it was a longer lasting relationship. Either way, don't make assumptions on something you really can't know unless you ask. It's not THAT big of a deal, so don't get angry at him before you even hear his side.


And I wanted to also mention that even though your boyfriend may not be a player most men do say things that they don't mean at all, if they're just interested in sex. So, if it's just something he said to her because she said it to him first, that would tell me that he was just saying what she wanted to hear to get sex from her. But I would just open up to him at a time when you feel he will be willing to talk.