He is going to break up with me

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2004
He is going to break up with me
3
Tue, 08-31-2004 - 6:30pm
Hi everyone, I have been writing in for a while now about my boyfriend of 5 months who just revealed that he had a man go down on him once when he was in his 20s. Well last night I was a bit angry at him and am afraid I kind of used it against him. I was trying to discuss his pot use and how that upset me, how he is wild and I have had to experience things that have made me question him ( i.e the incident with another man, some sex videos I had stumbled onto of his ex girlfriends). I was telling him about how a man in his mid 30s still using pot and going to clubs is lame, that all the porn on the computer was lame as well and I was just so angry at him. He exploded and got really mad that he punched the wall and left a hole in it and said that I am on his case all the time because I have no life and am always thinking idly. He says I keep on acting like a brat and that I have bought this on myself and he's giving me what I want which is to break up. I went outside for a while and then asked to come back in because I was too emotional to drive. He wanted me to lie down with him and we made up but I just kept on crying and wanting him to comfort me but he would not. He just wanted to sleep and said everything is fine, but this morning he did not kiss me goodbye and I am scared he does not love me anymore. when I asked him if he loves me he says yes but then he says he is numb. He says that he wants more than anything to be in love more than to be loved. I guess that means he is not in love with me anymore? what should I do ? Please help. He is a wonderful boyfriend despite the pot use and all that I have complained about was from his past. I just have to let it go and I want to try to. I am not sure if at this point I should just cut all ties and he will come back when he misses me. I have wrote him a letter explaining all my frustrations and such and he wants to discuss it tonight. and signed his IM with a kiss. Any input would be much obliged.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-31-2004 - 6:40pm
Um...I know it's hard to see now, but his punching a hole in the wall is UNACCEPTABLE and you should be GLAD he's planning on breaking up with you.

You don't need to be with a man who has anger issues.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Tue, 08-31-2004 - 6:52pm
Hon, this may be hard to hear, but I'd say you need to count your blessings. It's been 5 months.... it's time to deal with the issues and know and believe that this is who he is - pot, clubs, porn, if these things aren't compatible with who you are, your values, your morals, your beliefs, then it's time to end it. He likes his life, he's not ready to move on, outgrow, (read that mature, even if he is 30) this lifestyle is fun to him, he likes it and he's not willing to change for himself, much less you. I'd be willing to bet that in addition to the anger issues, he's got intimacy issues.

If you don't like who he is now, his habits, etc. know and believe they aren't going to change. He's not going to change to prove he loves you, he may change temporarily to keep you, but this is who he is.

You can't love him enough, save him, change him, be everything, fulfull every need to make him love you, want to change and want a long-term relationship with you based on your view of what that entails.

Sorry you have to go through this.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Tue, 08-31-2004 - 8:39pm
Everybody is giving you good advice. This guy is still doing this stuff in his 30's. He is'nt going to change and is not good material for a long-term relationship.

Plus the putting his fist through the wall is a massive RED FLAG!!!!! If he ever hits you, don't say you weren't warned first. You chose to go there!

I hope you get out and stay out.