he had a baby with another woman
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he had a baby with another woman
| Fri, 10-08-2004 - 12:58am |
I need advice. My boyfriend an I have been together for 5 years. About a year and a half ago he told me that his ex was pregnant with his child. We were on a break when he got her pregnant and I was seeing other people as well during that time but we got back together and he waited to tell me until she was 6 months along. His son is now 16 months old and I'm still far from over it. I feel so much hurt and rage about the whole situation. Everytime the subject of his son and his son's mother comes up I end up in tears. He doesn't involve me in anything that has to do with them because he knows I don't handle it well. I love him and he puts up with the way I react because he knows the way he handled things was wrong but should I be over it by now? It just hurts so bad because I love him so much and the fact that he shares something that special with another woman kills me. I am not totally convinced that he would never do anything with her again-he says he's just not in love with her but I know she is still in love with him and wants to be with him so I'm scared he'll leave me for her since they have a child together. Is the relationship worth saving and if so how can I get over the hurt and anger I feel and learn to love and accept his son?

hugs honey.... look - you are going to HAVE TO accept that he WILL have a "relationship" of sorts with this woman for the next 18 years AT LEAST. they have a child to raise - and tht child is not blame for its parent's being so messed up. your bf will have to be responsible for this child - financially, physically, morally. and if YOU are with him - then this means that YOU will be involved as well and if YOU and he have children together - you know that there already is ANOTHER child who will need your BF's time, money, attention.
so before you even start to deal with your trust and anger issues (which you should deal with, regardless) - ask yourself if you even want to stay with him, just based on the fact that there IS a child?
if you do want to stay with him - then you NEED to deal with your anger and trust issues, preferably with a professional counselor.
good luck
My heart goes out to you.....
You say that you two were on a break, that you were seeing other people too, blah, blah....doesnt make what happened hurt any less. I beleive that a part of the reason why you havent begun to heal and move forward from this is because you cant admit the full extent that it has hurt you. Just as I dont beleive you have fully expressed how much betrayal and hurt you feel from your boyfreind. The first step I would take would to calmly talk to him about counseling. Explain to him that it isnt about pointing fingers anymore, because lets face it hun, whats done is done...now, if you plan on sticking around, you need to find a healthy way to deal with it, grow from it and move forward. Tell him that you are vested in this relationship, but feel that you could both benefit from it and that it may help you with a few things you are still dealing with. If he isnt too keen on going, I would still recomend that you go alone.
Bottom line: You can either stay with him, living the hatred you feel, not even able to bring the subject up without falling apart, eventually leading to the breakup because it will be too much to handle, for the both of you....You can acceot that this is something that you cant get over, and thats okay....that you feel like you will be punishing him over and over for something that you cant get over. And in this case, I would suggest you to move on without him, Because, if you do decide to stay, this isnt something you can keep thoring in his face, or making him feel quilty of. It was a mistake, but if you forgive, than continually bringing it up makes you as bad as him. Or, you can grow from this, accept it for what it is, and be supportive. Im sure this hasnt been all a long walk in the park for him either.
Best wishes to you, and keep us updated.
This is truly a difficult and understandably painful situation. To begin, you must fully recognize that this happened when both of you were on a break, and both of you were seeing others. So, it did not arise out of his being unfaithful to you. You also must look and see now if you truly trust him. Without trust a relationship has no basis to proceede upon. If you do not trust him, (as your note hints at), ask yourself why? What has he actually done that has not proven trustworthy. Perhaps you may think that telling you so late about this qualifies. Ask yourself if that was so unacceptable to you that you can never regain trust for him again? Look at other aspects of his behavior and how he is with you. Unless you decide that he is trustworthy, you will never get over what happened.
Talk this over with him. Discuss his relationship with her, and also his feelings and plans with you. Very often in many good relationships one partner has been married, or in a relationship and shares a child with a former partner. While it is may not be easy to balance out all feelings involved, it certainly can be done. Your partner must be very clear with the mother of his child about his feelings for you, and what their relationship consists of. You must feel safe and protected by him in this respect.
It is good that he cares for his son and is a father to him. You would not want him as a partner if he didn't. Do you plan to have children with him as well? Perhaps at that time the imbalance that you are feeling now will subside. If you can't work all this out on your own, there is no harm of getting some help in deciding what you truly want and how best to proceede.
Best wishes.
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My best to you.
Carrie