He had an online affair, I'm still hurt

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2004
He had an online affair, I'm still hurt
3
Thu, 09-23-2004 - 12:46am
A couple months ago I found some emails in my husbands sent mail box, I don't usually snoop in his stuff, anyway, there were letters in there to someone that lived far from us, but in them he told her he loved her, and that I was mean and horrible etc, We had a huge fight after he tried to play stupid when I confronted him with it, (I had to call him he was a bowling)so I confronted him on the phone first, he played stupid until I actually showed him what I was talking about, even though he knew the whole time, His excuse was it wasn't really "him" that did it (not emotionally), he don't know why he did it, and he was hurt (hurt about something I said months ago to him, when we were talking about me getting a job, I was a little cruel and said i thought you could support us when I married you) anyway those were his excuses. I even talked to the women he was writing to. First he said it was only a week or so then later about a week or so later I find out he was writing to her for a month or so. It hurt so much because he was the one person I never expected to do this to me, he has no history of being this way He only had one girlfriend when before me and he was with her for awhile, from 15 to 21, and she treated him horribly and cheated on him and he was always nice to her.. How do I know this you ask? Well my husband and I met on line, He was still with his girlfriend at the time and when she broke up with him I helped him through it. I met him almost 8 years ago we were online friends for about 8 months, no flirting just a lot of talking, we loved to talk to each other. then we started dating. and 5 years later we married, in Oct our 1st year anny will be here.

I said to him through all the crying and tears, how can you do this to me how? I am still using the same deorderant I bought on our honeymoon and you are already doing something like this behind my back??, how can you be lonely I was always there for you etc etc. He said the night I found out he was going to end it anyway even if I didn't find out, I dont' know whether to believe him or not, he said he came to pick me up at work and seen how hard I worked for us, and it just made him feel so bad.. anyway. I cried for weeks over this, however, we did resolve things, We made love almost every night, we spent so much more time together, rarely touched the computer, we went for nightly walks etc. It is wonderful. I just sometimes worry I was stupid to be so forgiving.

Well a couple weeks ago I went through is cell phone for some reason, and came across a canadian number and asked him about it, he made up a lie said it was something else and I didn't believe him, so the person he said it was I decided to email, I said you want to tell me the truth before I hit send?? Finally after almost an hour of me telling him I know you are lying he said ok, it was 2 people he met at a game site he always used to play at a guy and a girl one from england one from canada, they used to talk 3 way all the time, innocent.. I do believe it was all innnocet however what hurts is he hid this from me than lied to me for an hour about it.

Here is a little info, My husband has never been the type to be a liar, or cheat, I always trusted him, However I would get jelous when he would spend so much time playing online games and chatting so much, he would say there is no way I would do something like that to you. all those lies and he did it. It just hurts. Since that last fight about the canadian phone calls, we are happy still but it isn't the same, I think I have distanced myself a bit, I am more depressed, though I am happy most of the time, but there are times when I just can't help but think about what he did to me, how everyone my family and his and his friends all think he is such a wonderful person.

I found myself buring myself on the wrist with my cigs, when I find myself hurting emotionally because of what he did, i have 4 burn scars now all very noticeable, he said for me not to do it, but he don't understand the pain he caused me, and the burns just help take it away. anyway that isn't why I am writing.

I want to know will I ever be able to trust him again, I will be honest and tell you that he has done so much to prove he is sorry and that I should trust him, He rarely is on the computer unless he is checking sports scores or something minor like that and it is only for 15 min or so, he has been keeping the house spotless (we have 5 kids, all mine from my first marriage), I want so much to trust him, and to stop hurting, I don't think about it every day, it is usually when I am alone or doing somthing that doesn't require my full attention it pops into my mind.

I don't know if I am being fair, but if he doesn't kiss me or something when I think he should of, I get worried or suspicious, I have been good and haven't been throwing all this in his face, even though sometimes I would like to, I will never get answers from him about why he did it, that will ever make me feel better.

btw I am 33 and he is 28, and I really want this marriage to work, but I feel now I need so much assurance every day from him that he loves me.

I guess what I am asking help about is, how do I work through this and make our marriage strong and trustworthy again? how can I completly forgive him? Is it wrong for me to think that he should wake up every morning and go to sleep every night with I am sorry on his lips? I don't ever want him to forget what he did to me, ever, I don't think he should be able to laugh or be happy, I wanted him to hurt like he hurt me, I know that sounds terrible, and I know it is unrealsitic, but I am tired of getting depressed out of the blue.

on a final note that might help, I do have minor bipolar, and I have been treated for depression many years ago, (with medication not in a hospital or anything). When I cry about all of this my husband tells me he don't know why I make myself so unhappy and not to think about it, of course my answer to him is of course you don't want me to think about it, you are the one that did something wrong.

Please any advice would do, I do truly love my husband, our life is a happy one, I just need to know how to get over all the emotions.

Thank you

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Thu, 09-23-2004 - 1:24am
I strongly suggest marriage counseling for the marriage problems and individual counseling for the separate issues.


Carrie

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-23-2004 - 1:49am
I strongly second the suggestion that you seek couples and individual counseling. If you are in so much emotional pain that you are BURNING yourself, you need to get help.

He needs to take more responsibility for hurting you, and you need to learn how to start to let go of the hurt. Couples counseling will help you get there.

I'd also suggest that you read "When Your Lover is a Liar" by Susan Forward. It has some great suggestions for how to move on after you've found out that your SO is lying to you.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2004
Thu, 09-23-2004 - 2:01am
Wow! Okay you say that you love your husband very much and you are sooo happy, but I don't believe that? Something is seriously wrong with this picture. I'm not trying to say that what he did was okay, but he never actually slept with someone, this was all online with someone he has never met. I think you are questioning a lot of things, like you said when you met he only had one girlfriend that "supposively" treated him badly and all that. Now you find he is telling another girl online the same things about you. It's possible that he is the one with issues and maybe lied about his previous girl the way he is lying about you? Or maybe you fear that he will leave you for someone online like he left his last girl for you. In any event, I couldn't tell you what his real intentions are, but I do know that you have 2 options. You can either trust him when he says he was having a hard time and needed someone to talk to .. or he was just mad at you at the time... WHATEVER his reasons are, you can accept them and move forward. OR u can take action and argue with him every day or end the relationship. Pretty soon the choice will not be up to you. You will drive him away because he will be tired of hearing it and dealing with it. I think you are looking for some kind of closure and someone to tell you that it was all innocent and everything is fine... just by the way your letter read.. one second you are going insane and saying you don't trust him, and in the next sentence you say you are completely happy and in love. That's not right right there? Maybe it has to do with your obvious bi-polar condition. If your emotions are that bad.. you should see your doctor about your current medication, seriously. Because the medicine is supposed to help control that.

I wish you luck and I hope you come to the right conclusion about your relationship. If you ever need to vent or chat, please feel free to email me anytime hon.

good luck