Is he with her or Red Flag?? !

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2005
Is he with her or Red Flag?? !
8
Thu, 12-27-2007 - 10:16am

I recently started seeing this man. We are going on 2 months, he was the one that approached me in asking me for an exclusive relationship and I agreed. He told me upfront that he was very involved with his children and on a constant communication with his ex. Little did I know...


I've begun to see some raised flags. He told me that he would be taking some time off before Christmas to pick up his girls and bring them back home with him (south Fla his ex lives in Georgia).

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Thu, 12-27-2007 - 12:03pm

Welcome to the board secretary35,


At first I didn't really see anything to worry about in your post until you wrote "He got a new cell for me to call on that one and only that one, he told me not to call his work phone anymore." Okay, that throws up huge red flags. Something is going on that he doesn't want you to know about. Maybe he still is with his ex, I can't really say. But something is going on.


I think I would reconsider this relationship if I were you.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Thu, 12-27-2007 - 12:10pm

You sure are expecting a lot from someone you've only been dating for two months. I don't see those as "red flags", I see them as proof that his kids are really important to him and you're falling by the wayside because you are a very new person in his life.

Of course his kids don't know about you. You aren't very important yet. I hate to sound mean, but if he introduced his children to every girlfriend he had at three months it would be a confusing situation.

If you like this guy then you're going to have to be about a thousand percent more patient than you are right now, and if that doesn't work for you - that's okay, he's just not the one.

I don't know if you have kids yourself or not, but dating someone with kids is a completely different ballgame. You will never come first in his life, and expecting him to devote time to calling you when he's with his children who live rather far from him is unreasonable.

I would never presume to call a man at work after dating for two months. I think the reason he told you to call his cell is to cut down on the number of phone calls he gets from a girl he barely started dating. This is the only potential "red flag" I see in your post, and I wonder, do you call him that often? He either did this because he wants you to be an outsider in his life or because he's tired of a lot of phone calls.




Edited 12/27/2007 12:15 pm ET by eggbertshootsfire
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2005
Thu, 12-27-2007 - 12:43pm

Thanks for the reply, and to be honest he's the one that would call me. When I said I would call his work I meant his work phone. Yes you are probably right he doesn't want his work phone to become his personal phone.


What I didn't mention is that he has 4 cell phones. Cell from work, Cell that he has a shared plan with his ex, a blackberry and a new one. I have all numbers because he gave them to me. I had only called his work cell because I was confused, but seriously he was the one calling me. The reason for the new cell is he didn't/doesn't want his ex to know about it. I know this because he told me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Thu, 12-27-2007 - 2:16pm

Welcome to the board secretary35,


The biggest red flag I see in everything you posted was this:


::On a previous visit she went thru his phone and asked who I was and got upset because he wasn't upfront with her.


They aren't together and she's going through his phone?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Thu, 12-27-2007 - 2:54pm
Well... The biggest problem I see is that he's trying to retain a relationship with his ex, but it's as though he's afraid to reveal too much - both to her and about her. I don't know if their relationship is more than just a civil one for the sake of the kids, and if I had to guess I'd say it isn't, but he's still walking on eggshells around her. I'd say that's a little bit weird but not ENTIRELY unexpected. Many women have written here about men acting confusingly with regard to a recent ex-wife with whom they share children. Hopefully in time their relationship will lessen or become a little more cut and dry.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Thu, 12-27-2007 - 2:59pm

I think the key here for me would be the time factor.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2005
Thu, 12-27-2007 - 3:34pm

Thanks Carrie,


I had the same thought! He originally told me that he would be back in S.Florida by the 29 of this month so we could spend New Years Eve together. Now he's changed it and said he might spend it in Atlanta with a friend he hasn't seen in a long time. So go figure.


You know I might conveniently have other plans in case he calls and wants to see me. All I'm asking is for a one minute phone call that's all I don't think I'm asking a lot by wanting a phone call. But I cannot for him to call he will call when he it's convenient for him I guess.


The other thing I did not mention either is, that he goes to Georgia twice a month to visit his girls. He stays at her house. He says she leave to her mom's house and leaves him there with his girls. Because she epileptic she schedules her appointments for her while he visits. He buys for her a carton of cigarettes since she can't drive because of her seizures. You all are probably asking how I know all this, well he's told me. He even said that is why he was upfront with me. They haven't been separated that long (since June of this year).


That explains a lot of the stuff he does. He made a comment the other day to me saying "If I were an outsider looking at our relationship I would have questions and doubts

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Thu, 12-27-2007 - 3:56pm

He is fully disclosing to you all that's going on, but ignoring you AND now opting to go see someone else for New Year's..... reminds me of a book - He's Just not that into You.