He hides things from me

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2007
He hides things from me
4
Tue, 09-18-2007 - 12:31am

My husband of two years has been hiding things from me. He has pretty much always done this, we started dating 6 years ago, and I almost always let it go. I did bring up the fact that

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Tue, 09-18-2007 - 7:00am

He hid the porn from you because he didn't want to get rid of it and you did
He hides the girls from you because he assumes you'll get angry about it
He hides the liquor probably because he wants to have a drink and doesn't want to do it in front of a woman who can't

I'm not saying they're REASONABLE explanations but they seem to explain why he hides things. In his mind it's easier to hide them then to deal with you finding out.

Have you ever had a frank talk with him about hiding things from you?

CONSIDER letting him keep the porn in private if he comes clean about the other things. Forcing a man to give up porn when he doesn't want to WILL NOT WORK. He has to really want to get rid of it. It's not a sexual addiction, he just really wants it. When he's home alone with nothing to do, a guy almost always thinks about porn/sex.

Either way I think you need to lay down some definite boundaries because if he is infringing on your right to have an honest, caring relationship, then he needs to know that it won't be tolerated.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Tue, 09-18-2007 - 12:07pm

Welcome to the board chef_mom08,


He has been hiding things from you for so long that he probably doesn't even think twice about it now. You need to sit down with him and tell him how much all of this upsets you. Let him know that because he hides things from you this has caused you to lose your trust in him. Tell him you know that he is talking to his other women and you aren't okay with it. Get everything out in the open so it can be discussed. Start working towards bettering your relationship before the baby comes.


Good luck to you.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Tue, 09-18-2007 - 12:18pm

Welcome to the board chef_mom08,


Since he's been doing this for 6 yrs (hiding things) it probably is second nature to him, but it's kind of sad that you haven't spoken up before now.

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-18-2007 - 3:59pm

First of all, you have every right to request that he stop chatting with these women. He's married to you, you are expecting a child, and understandably, this is disturbing to you. He has to put you first here and give you the respect you deserve.


More importantly however, it seems that trust is missing here. This is a serious issue as no one can feel safe and comfortable in a relationship with the necessary openness and trust. Tell him that. Let him know that this is nothing to play around with. He needs to grow up and become responsible here. It seems that since he has had this pattern for a long while, the two of you might really need to see a therapist or couple counselor to help work it through and help him understandng how to build a strong foundation in the relationship. Patterns just don't disappear by talking about them, they must be understood and dealt with professionally.


Best wishes,