Is he just humoring me?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2004
Is he just humoring me?
17
Wed, 02-04-2004 - 3:12pm
Why would a guy ask a girl out and not follow through with plans? Is he just humoring me? No date has been set to go out yet and it has been two and half weeks since. Should I let it go or should i call him and ask him 'what about our plans to hang out'? I've been told to let the guy pursue the girl. If I call, does that mean I'm pursuing him, pressuring him to go out with me even though he is the one who offered to hang out?

I've known this guy for a few months now and we met through a mutual friend. Our friend was trying to set us up. We both weren't ready for a relationship when we both met. We both just got out of a relationship at the time. We've become some what like casual friends since then. We mainly communicate through e-mail. We've hung out a couple of times when we first met and I've bumped into him on a couple of occasions at mutual friends' gatherings after that. He has also asked me out a month ago but I couldn't go out with him because I was busy on the day he has asked me out. I turned him down without giving an alternate and was not even thinking of the consequence of that since I was nervous when he called.

I have been ready quite sometime now to start a relationship. If he asked me out, does that me he is ready too? But he didn't follow through with this one. I've developed a crush on him since we met and I think he knows it too which could be the reason why he asked me out. Any insight would be much appreciated.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Wed, 02-04-2004 - 4:04pm

I would call him up.Not to put him on the spot, but to give him abother chance to rrealize what he might be passing up.Say something like...whenever you want to go out, just let me know...that way, you called him( this isnt the 50's, there are no unwritten rules saying the girl must wait), not letting him think that YOU werent interested, but still puts the ball back in his court.That way, if he isnt interested, he just doesnt call you back.


 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 02-04-2004 - 4:36pm
I think because you were both nervous that it's ok to call....hey, if your offer is still good for getting together, I'd like to.... and see what he says.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2004
Wed, 02-04-2004 - 6:41pm
Thank you for your responses. I would give him a call but I had responded in my last e-mail to him that my I was free anytime and would wait for him to find an opening in his schedule for dinner. He still hasn't responded. He's been really busy lately. So, I am just waiting. Don't want to push him or crowd him. I'm just a little hesitant in calling. The last time we talked on the phone (that was six weeks ago) we both ended the conversation nervously. So, isn't the ball in his court or should I just call?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2004
Thu, 02-12-2004 - 3:43pm
Update-Since I hadn't heard from him-no e-mails/phone calls, I broke down last evening and sent him a casual friendly email to ask him some information on something he had suggested I do a while ago. I did not bring up the dinner thing/ hanging out thing. I did not want to press the issue just in case he wasn't really sincere. He emails right back in an unfriendly manner-just giving a name and a phone number. No 'how are you?' or anything like that. I felt like he just blew me off (my fault and my insecurities, I expected more). Then, first thing this morning he emails me again and asks 'how things are',etc... and more questions on 'what's the latest in my life' and gives me more suggestions-a more friendly e-mail than the last but still no indication of us hanging out/dinner. So, I guess he's just not interested or he completely forgot? I'm not understanding his behavior. Even though I emailed him asking for information, which is something I really needed, I was really fishing for that date. Something I should not have expected.



Now, I'm a little mixed on whether or not I should e-mail him back. Yet, I don't want to blow him off by not responding. I'm just a little tired of this e-mailing and not really getting a real chance to get to know him any better. I would rather call him or better yet, see him in person so that I can get to know him better. I don't know what I'm feeling.



This relationship has given me too many complexes that I don't need and I know I'm not real good at relationships. I seem to run into this every time I find a guy I like. One reason I have steered myself away from guys for a long time so that I can make myself stronger. I guess I still need some more work on myself.

How should I respond or should I even respond?

Any insight is much appreciated. Thanks.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 02-12-2004 - 4:24pm

I would send him one last email saying something like "thanks for the information, it was nice to hear from you, glad you're well, please call me if you'd like to get together again" (put CALL me, not email me or "let me know") and then leave the ball in his court.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Thu, 02-12-2004 - 4:31pm
'I'm not understanding his behavior. Even though I emailed him asking for information, which is something I really needed, I was really fishing for that date.'

So you are being vague, not telling him what you really want, hoping he reads your mind and beating around the bush yet you are upset that he is not being direct.

Either ask him out or give up. It shouldn't be this difficult.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2003
Thu, 02-12-2004 - 5:04pm
It may well be that when he gave you those info he was in a hurry, but wanted to get back to you right away. then, he e-mailed you again when he had time. Makes sense to me.

I agree: make the move yourself. Find an event you'd really like to go (a concert, a show, a movie you think he may be interested in) and write him "Hey, you said you wanted to hang out: I saw that XXX is showing this day, why don't we go together?" Then, the ball is his. Even if he cannot go, he should suggest an alternative ("How about dinner on Fri instead?"). If he does neither, drop him and start looking elsewhere. Just my 2 cents.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Thu, 02-12-2004 - 5:21pm
This is way too much work for you. He probably was in a hurry when he first responded to your email (a sign he didn't want to not respond and have you think he blew you off) and then followed up when he had more time. I don't see the harm in you just coming out and asking if he wants to get together for coffee or whatever, but be specific, don't just be vague about hanging out sometime or he could just say sure (and nothing else) and you'll be in the same boat you are now. One thing though, stop the emailing. I have never been in a successful and satisfying email relationship. It's way too frustrating and it's NOT getting to know the real person -- in person is the only way to do that. You could even say something like that: "I'm not a big fan of email...would you like to get together for coffee this weekend so we could talk in person? I'd much prefer to hang out with you than to just have you as an email pal. ;-)" Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2004
Fri, 02-13-2004 - 12:38pm
similiar situation...I know exactly how you feel? ..If you keep call him to get a straight answer then you will be perceived as a pyscho....What is wrong with men today? Why can't they be open and honest..who knows maybe they ARE interested but are AFRAID. Dating is like a freaking committment to these guys....however all we want is a friendship to see where it goes.....I think men today are afraid of aggressive women , afterall they are supposed to be the aggressor.:)
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2004
Thu, 02-19-2004 - 2:12am
Thank you so much for all of your responses. I took your advices and sent him one last e-mail on Sunday night and graciously thanked him for the info and asked him to call me if he wanted to hang out and catch up on things (this time I was more brave and more direct than usual). He actually called me tonight after I got off work and asked if I wanted to watch a movie, since the power was out due to the stormy weather we've been having out here, he couldn't do any work. So I agreed to the movie. He lives in the next city over (45 minutes away) and he drove out here in the stormy weather.He took me out to dinner instead of the movie because it turned out that the movie showing was too late for him. We had a nice friendly dinner. I don't want to over think this too much, but I was wondering if he just needed an extra nudge from me? Was he just playing it cool and not making a big deal about hanging out with me? Anyway, I wanted to send him an e-mail to thank him for the dinner and if he wanted to watch that movie we both wanted to see he could give me a call--would that be too pushy/forward? Thanks again for all your thoughts.

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