is he just scared or really a jerk?
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is he just scared or really a jerk?
| Mon, 06-21-2004 - 10:35am |
I'll try to sum this up as much as I can... I met a fellow last year, we hit it off immediately, the relationship grew, and became really strong, open, and committed very quickly. For the record, I wasn't the initiator of any of the "next steps", on the contrary, I was the one who typically held up a little more armor at first... eventually I had no concerns or complaints. Also, I should mention that I'm a single mother of three boys, whom he got along with quite well, once everyone finally met. So, a little time goes by, he receives a job offer in a different town (7hrs away), and we talk about it a little. I didn't know much about the area, so I didn't promise to move with him if he went, but I told him I'd consider it as the relationship grew. A few weeks later (between my birthday & Christmas, a 4 day difference), he announced that he accepted the job & would leave in January. We tentatively made plans for me to join him when the boys got out of school. Things went well with the distance; we talked nightly, he visited me in February, I visited him 2 weeks later, saw the town, and liked it. The plans started rolling. I gave notice at work, at my apartment, and to my ex-husband. I visited again in April, we looked at houses, and all seemed to be in order, though because of a tough week for him at work, it was a very tense ending to the visit, finishing with me having to ride back home with my ex-husband from the kids' grandmas house instead of the boat trip I had planned (because of his work schedule)... we had no discussion about this & I only got a little apology from him. We had a good conversation a week later (no more nightly phone calls after the visit), but that was the last good conversation we've ever had. A week after that conversation, we had a difference in communication needs; I wanted to talk about a work problem, he didn't, we wound up having cross words & hanging up on each other three times through the following 24 hours - no fights, just cross words. Then he said that the move & the relationship needed to be put on hold & promised to call. No calls ever came. This went on through a few more Email exchanges & weeks, still no calls. Meanwhile, I had one month to find a place for myself & the kids, but could no longer afford to stay in my current town after losing that apartment (b/c of the rising cost of rent). He did return $1000 of $1600 that I had given him toward our future expenses, but otherwise offered no explanation, just a few more empty promises to call & "we'd work things out". I chose to continue with my plans to move to the town where he was, as I didn't have time to figure out another location to move to, and I could NOT stay where I was (I needed to leave anyway, but that's another story, just trust me on that). We exchanged a few more Emails, though nothing significant, and his messages did become warmer as my moving day came closer - though still no more than empty promises with regard to helping me find a place. He had to move from his house, too, as he had also given notice, and work was worse for him, as well as his finances. Fast-forward to now: I arrived two weeks ago. He visited twice (though no help with the move AT ALL, despite his offering to help prior to my arrival), but we still haven't addressed anything significant, neither of us has tried yet - it's too soon. We had decent casual conversation, though - that was nice. I found myself with a surprise evening off from the kids last Friday & Emailed to invite him out for drinks - I called & left a message on his voicemail, too, as I wasn't sure he'd get the Email in time. I saw him online (IM) later that day, tried to IM him, and he ignored me (he's NEVER done that before). He never called, wrote, or responded to my IM, not even to say "no thanks" about the offer for drinks. I got upset & hurt, it was like the straw that broke the camel's back.
I think I've put up with quite a lot and I'm awfully frustrated & angry, though I'm still torn.... is he really being a jerk?, or did he get scared & just has NO IDEA how to communicate when things aren't going so well?? Communication was excellent when things were great, but sometimes a little uncomfortable whe things were not so great in the past (isn't that natural, though?), but with the whole distance thing, and insecurities (he's really insecure sometimes, a history of past cheating g/f's) could have frozen him completely - maybe he needs SOMETHING to be able to talk again, though I don't know what.... OR maybe I just need to get all hard & cold & demand that he return the remaining $600 & never talk to me or the kids again...
I think I've put up with quite a lot and I'm awfully frustrated & angry, though I'm still torn.... is he really being a jerk?, or did he get scared & just has NO IDEA how to communicate when things aren't going so well?? Communication was excellent when things were great, but sometimes a little uncomfortable whe things were not so great in the past (isn't that natural, though?), but with the whole distance thing, and insecurities (he's really insecure sometimes, a history of past cheating g/f's) could have frozen him completely - maybe he needs SOMETHING to be able to talk again, though I don't know what.... OR maybe I just need to get all hard & cold & demand that he return the remaining $600 & never talk to me or the kids again...
I'd just really like to hear something from him - whether he needs time, if he hopes to eventually rekindle the relationship again, or if he needs to end it completely, if I no longer mean anything to him, or whatever... but it looks like I'm not going to hear it from him, and I'll need to make a choice without his input.... but I'm not comfortable with that.
any advice??

I think I need to restrain myself from contacting him in any way for a while... though that is tough for me; I'm not exactly a tower of patience! It does seem that time may heal these wounds, but I'm not sure, it could be that I'm just delaying the inevitable (breakup) by denying to myself that he doesn't care.
So... there's a long answer to a simple question....
Please explain.
1) it has been time to leave for a while, though I had put it off many times, and he knew this
2) better schools for the kids
3) more future for jobs for me (ultimately better for the kids)
4) more future for my own education (ultimately better for the kids)
5) finances: I moved out of a small 2/1 apt that cost $1150/mo into a big 3/2 house for $100 less per month - and if I had stayed, I would have been looking at $1300/mo for a 2/1 - and the ex wasn't always paying support too regularly.
6) the kids are closer to grandma now - HIS mom
7) as I said, the ex had given notice to leave several times, it's only a matter of time before he really does - and he really does need to move, for the same reasons that I do.
8) sure, the ex was involved in the kids life - but also TOOOOO involved in mine, he was driving himself, me, and anyone else I knew NUTS.
9) I finally got to to see a city that appealed to me enough to take a chance with, that isn't too big or too dangerous, or too far away, but still has opportunity
10) as I said, he visited them - and had a good time visiting the places around here with the kids - there is a lot to do and he got to see that.
FINALLY - my OWN reason for this being best for the kids (in addition, of course to all of the above): I was - and I still am - very much in love.... MY world & MY love life does not have to be put on hold b/c of my children's father now being seven hours away from them... just as my future plans do not have to be put on hold just b/c my love life took a major nosedive. I know I made the decision to move based on more than just the b/f, otherwise I wouldn't have made the plans to move. The move isn't the bad part of all this - it is the VERY good part, b/f or not. It is the financial & emotional aspect of the b/f's treatment toward me that really stinks... but when compared to 6 months of VERY poor child support payments from last July to January - - then the b/f issues seem like small potatoes!
Is that enough explanation?