Is he just scared???

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2003
Is he just scared???
11
Tue, 11-25-2003 - 11:34pm
Friends for 4 months then in a relationship for almost 6. I'm 39 he's 40 on Sunday married previously for 11 years and divorced for three.

Two months into our relationship, we discovered we did not have effective arguing styles.We did some research, modified our behaviour and bingo..all was smooth sailing and has been since. Until two weeks ago, i lied..yep...about a one night stand i had before I ever met him. I was ashamed. It took 5 days but he finally got me to admit it and he accepted that. What angered him was the he could tell I was lying yet kept denying. My mistake..lesson learned...trust somewhat damaged but working on restoring it.

Last week, for my birthday, he swept me away for a 3 day all inclusive weekend. Felt like honeymoon. He didnt leave my side or let go of my hand for three days. We professed out love to one another endlessly. I was bliss..wonderful...etc. At the airport on our way hoe, we had two hours to kill so we went to the pub. Had a couple of pints..I reached over the table and, as we so often do to each other, I stroked his face..I was feeling a little tipsie I guess and playfull. I sort of poked my fingers into his mouth playfully. He pulled back and frowned and said :Youre tipsie!..I chuckled a bit and said so? Were finishing off a wonderful weekend and i feel relaxed. He stayed sort of angry which turned my mood off. I stopped talking..went to the bathroom...came back and he was balancing his checkbook! I tried to get his attention and he replied: well..youre staring out into oblivion what do you expect me to do? And he kept at his checkbook. We boarded the plane without speaking. I sat there while he dozed...I got angry and got up, pushed his knees out of the way and went to sit across the aisle where there were three empty seats. I cried quielty against the window for the flight. 10 minutes b4 landing i went back beside him and sternly asked: Why are you mad?? Are you trying to ruin our prefect weekend?? Whats going on?? He got angry because i was discussing this *in public* ( i wasnt loud and i dont think anyone heard). We got home, he took his stuff and left for his apartment. I emailed him at work the next day apologizing for MY role and thanked him for the wonderful weekend again and asked if we could put this behind us. He needs *time* now..he says we did *damage*..Im sure he's thinking back to our earlier months. I explained to him via email that we slipped...we arent going to argue perfectly everytime but this was an expection..one to learn from and try to not repeat (all this while I still dont have a clue what he got mad at in the first place). I know that he is now considering ended our relationship based on *poor arguing*. He says it was shooting venom..sigh...I cant get him to understand that these things happen! As long as they are fewer and farter between and that the good outweighs the bad,,were on the right track..he still hasnt called. I expect to hear form him tomorrow when he will want to chat. Im scared. Maybe he's got cold feet now? I told him I am NOT looking for a wedding ring etc etc. That we are living day by day enjoying each other. I feel tomorrow might be the end. Anything I can say to him to make him realize this wasnt the end of the world? he is a very moralistic type of person; lives in high standards and expects good behaviour and respect from all. Im certain in his mind I disrespect him by speaking in public...Anyone have ANY ideas how I might appease this situation gently and get us back on track? I have a surprise 40th party planned for him on sunday along with a hotair balloon ride...I guess I better tell him about those soon eh? Help anyone?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2003
Wed, 11-26-2003 - 3:37am
I honestly have no clue why you would even want to progress this relationship any further. It sounds like the two of you are not compatible, and it also sounds unhealthy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2003
Wed, 11-26-2003 - 7:05am
Well...despite how it might come out on print, we get along fabuously. We have had these two incidents since we met that, since both of us are quite sensitive, have had a greater impact than might have hd they involved two other types of people.

We have so many common interests; golf, cross country skiing, skating, scrabble, cultural events and so on. We have learned to discuss rather than argue and this has proven quite effective. However, we slipped. I figured that was normal..were going to slip. We cant argue perfectly every time. He sees this somewhat differently i think. He says that because we have the potential to fight *nasty with our words*, we have the potential of destroying the relationship. I dont disagree- however, isnt it a growing process for some? I know that he would agree that we have improved tremeendously since day 1. Why wouldn't we continue to grow? The good times far outweight the bad...I still don't get it...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2003
Wed, 11-26-2003 - 11:06am
First of all, I read your message twice - and I still don't understand why he was upset with you at the pub before you flew back home from a wonderful weekend. That one just escapes me. However, I don't think that this is the end of the world for your relationship. I think that perhaps he is just alittle apprehensive of being in a totally committed relationship at this point - he likes the perks but not the work required to maintain one. Which is why I think that he is blowing you off for the moment. At this point, whenever he does call or e-mail you, be prepared to really talk and have open & honest communication. Tell him how his actions make you feel, be direct in your questioning about what is going on for him. His actions are inconsistent - hot, cold, without much warning. I would suggest letting him take the lead in this conversation that way it gives you an opportunity to get in his head just alittle bit more and see where you stand so to speak.

And lastly, I would tell him about the plans that you have for his birthday and see if he is comfortable with those arrangements or not.

Good luck....

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 11-26-2003 - 12:23pm
::I sort of poked my fingers into his mouth playfully. He pulled back and frowned and said :Youre tipsie!..I chuckled a bit and said so?

Exactly so. However something about this bothered him and he's not telling you what that reason is - though he may not know himself.

Sorry you have to go through this and wait for him to want to communicate. Hopefully, he'll figure it out.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2003
Wed, 11-26-2003 - 2:24pm
He sounds a bit cruel and controlling and, frankly, mean.

It's easy to have a romantic weekend; it's hard to have a real relationship, warts and all.

<> Oh really? Then why is he sleeping with a woman he's not married to, and has not made any commitment to? Sounds like a self-righteous hypocrite to me. Who needs a hot air balloon ride when all he has to do is keep blowing?

I'd re-consider my involvement with him. Sounds like a controlling, emotionally abusive twit, IMHO. I'd give him all the time he needed... the rest of his life.

Been there, done that, know the classic behaviors well.

Warm Regards.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 11-26-2003 - 2:56pm
I think the mistake was telling him about a one night stand that happened before you two met - what was the point of that - sounds like you were trying to sabotage things and also sounds like he prioritizes being right over being close.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2003
Wed, 11-26-2003 - 3:03pm
Thanks so much for this. You posed the same magic question that I have been trying to figure out for two days...WHY did he get upset?

Perhaps something triggered something...who knows.,,

He contacted me today and is coming over at 6:30 pm.

I think you are correct in trying to get him to lead the conversation so that I can get into his head a bit more. Good advice.

Thanks again for taking the time to respond.

Em.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2003
Wed, 11-26-2003 - 3:04pm
Exactly....thanks for your reply.

I thought it was just me going crazy!

Thanks again

EM

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2003
Wed, 11-26-2003 - 3:07pm
Certainly food for thought. I'm going into tonights conversation with eyes wide open.

Thanks for your comments!

Em.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2003
Wed, 11-26-2003 - 3:10pm
Thanks for this. To clarify..I wasnt trying to sabotage anything...he had reason to believe this one night stand (so to speak) happened and I categorically denied it. He knew I was lying because my facts didn't match. After alot of thought, I decided to come clean and I still beleive it was the right thing to do...

And yes..your other comments are correct. He does put alot of important on *being right*.

Thanks again

Em.

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