He just stops communicating when Angry

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2007
He just stops communicating when Angry
11
Wed, 06-27-2007 - 11:54am

Been in a long distance (2 hours away) relationship since September. He traveled to see me virtually every weekend. We were very close and he seemed to be one of those totally dedicated guys. If it wasn’t for his daughter (8 years old) he would have already moved to my area. He takes on most of the responsibility of raising their daughter. The mom works in a high power job and rarely home during the week (leaves by 7am and home between 7-8pm), so he ends up taking care of before school and after school as well as all activities. Weekends he comes to see me, and sometimes he’d bring his daughter – which was great.

He is very caring and gets stressed easily. I admire and encourage him taking care of his daughter. She should be first. Many times he is going out of his way for the ex and it impacts our plans. We’ve gotten into the same argument several times over his ex’s plans taking priority over his and him not standing up. Most recent he was coming up on Friday, Saturday we were going down there and picking up the daughter around 1 for a birthday party and dropping her back off. The ex decides she wants to go to RI to visit a friend who had a baby. So we said so you don’t have to be back at a specific time, we’ll keep the daughter overnight. Next thing the ex HAS to leave at 9am Saturday morning, so BF can’t come up Friday night, and out goes our plans.

I was still willing to go down there Saturday but he had such an attitude because I was upset about his EX again ruling. She couldn’t leave for RI at 1? Wasn’t it enough she wouldn’t have to hurry home because we’d take the daughter overnight? Typical guy he shuts down instead of having a quick discussion about it. We didn’t really have words… he said I can either discuss this or go to the party and have a good time…. So I nicely said go to the party and have a great time and hung up. I haven’t heard a word from him in 12 days.

What’s sad is the weekend before this happened we had the most amazing weekend… I hadn’t ever felt closer to anyone ever and was totally in love. He had always said if things didn’t work out he couldn’t picture his life without us being friends. I know more about him then anyone else.

I have no idea what to do. I really care about him, and feel he has to fix his baggage on his own – it’s a deal breaker if he doesn’t. Before when this happened he got quiet (a few days) and I initiated talking it out and everything was fine. I won’t chase him and I really thought I would have heard from him by now. Do I just write him off? Do guys usually do this because they need some space?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Wed, 06-27-2007 - 12:07pm

Welcome to the board freshstart06,


In my opinion, if he was still interested in a relationship or friendship with you he would have contacted you by now. It could be that he confuses his loyalty to his daughter by thinking he also has to be loyal to his ex wife.


Sorry you have to go through this.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2005
Wed, 06-27-2007 - 12:50pm

....."I really care about him, and feel he has to fix his baggage on his own – it’s a deal breaker if he doesn’t.".....


So in a nutshell, there's your answer.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Wed, 06-27-2007 - 1:49pm

Welcome to the board freshstart06,


He's in the relationship of his choosing with the ex-wife. Meaning he's getting something out of it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2007
Wed, 06-27-2007 - 2:36pm

Agree... he's choosing the relationship with the ex-wife. I'm a very reasonable person and I see him making all the compromises and he is miserable in his life. He would say our relationship was the best thing in his life. Since the fall he's talked about making all these life changes and he hasn't taken any of the steps. I understand that is all his and he has to do that on his own. I know I've done the right thing. I stand firm, he has to set and stick to boundries that are in the best interest of their daughter.

He lead the relationship... talking about commitment, the future, was so dedicated, etc... I am deeply hurt, after spending nine months with him and to have it end without saying anything. How do you put closure to that? Does this mean he just didn't care enough? Is there any hope in the future that he'll get his life together and come back? I enjoyed our time together and felt so close to him and loved everything else about him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Wed, 06-27-2007 - 6:14pm

While I clearly understand your point of view (I would be unsatisfied in this relationship too) I am going to play devil's advocate.

From His Point of View, your behaviour is very domineering and controlling. You're trying to change the way he deals with the things in his life. With this in mind, it's easy to understand why he's run away from you.

I do understand that you've got his best interests in mind (him being miserable and all), but this is a clear example of why we shouldn't try to tell people how to lead their lives. It just makes people feel controlled.

In future, if you don't like the way someone runs their life, break up with them. But don't make the mistake of trying to help them find a better way. IF they ask your opinion, give it once and then no more. People need to make changes on their own.

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-28-2007 - 11:52am

I doubt it's because he doesn't "care enough", but the bottom line is, he's not capable of or willing to make a change in how he deals with his ex, for whatever reason. That's what you need to accept.

Nor is he capable of or willing to do the right thing with you--communicate with you rather than disappearing after you've been together for 9 months. That's the coward's way of dealing with things. It's basically another side of the same coin as his behavior with his ex--doing nothing about a problem is easier for him so that's what he does. To me, that's a character issue. Is that something you are willing to accept in a partner, even if he does come back?

Without therapy, no, I would not say that there's much hope that he'll change. He may come back, but can you accept him as is?

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2007
Thu, 06-28-2007 - 1:04pm

I've spent many years getting myself healthy. There were so many things I loved about him and didn't really notice the core issue here ... that he on his own has all these changes to make - he'd bring them up and ask for my help and advice and I said you are on your own for that and I'd support him in what ever he decided. I didn't want to get into the role of mommy. That's why when this situation came up for the 1000th time, I picked a battle. I'd rather find out now.

He talks it all out (4-5 big topics), knows what he wants to do, and just doesn't. I know this is all with him. I do see it's a cowards way out. Some days I'm strong about it and other days I'm really sad missing him. Guess it's normal.

I'm sure each day will get easier!! I wish we could have at least had some sort of closure. Just to stop talking makes no sense. We already knew the odds of us working - between the distance, blending families, potential second marriages.

What do I do with all of his stuff here? Give it to Goodwill or mail it???

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2007
Thu, 06-28-2007 - 2:43pm
You could call and leave a message on his machine letting him know that you want him to come pick up his stuff. I would not bother with the expense of mailing it to him.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-28-2007 - 6:05pm

It is normal, but I'm sorry you have to go through this. I've done a lot of work to become more healthy as well and it's frustrating to find that it's MORE difficult now to find a partner because so many people just aren't. But I wouldn't want to go back to how I was, either. Anyway, I can definitely empathize.

As for the stuff--I would put it away in a box for the time being and then if he hasn't called in another month or so and made arrangements to get it, either mail it or give it away.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2006
Thu, 06-28-2007 - 6:22pm

You have only known him a short time and he has shown you a lot of love and good times. As in any relationship, there are bumps along the way. How each of you react to them and solve them will make or break your relationship.

You knew when you met him, that he had an ex wife and child. The ex wife might or probably is still in love with him. The little girl is daddy's girl and she will want her daddy's attention and will be jealous if you get more from her daddy than she does. So honey, you have here, two other girls who want the attention and love of your boyfriend. Then on top of that is the fact that you are in a long distant relationship. You have a lot against you.

Is he worth fighting for? Can you share him? You must ask these questions of yourself. If you want a much more intense relationship, maybe you should move on. These problems are going to grow and you are not going to like your position in this kind of a relationship. You will have to take a back seat at times that will irk you.

Good luck

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