He Keeps Coming Back

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2004
He Keeps Coming Back
4
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 4:37pm
I have been split up with my ex for about a year or more. Falling in love with him, was when I realized I had never fallen in love before. Puppy love, sure, lust, yes, but actually falling in Love, to the point that I cared more for his happiness and well being than anything else in the world, I had never in my life felt that way.

He was perfect, handsome, and more than I had ever asked for. But while I was falling hard, he was not ready for the commitment that I so needed. After 16 months or so he ended the relationship. He had been pushing me away for quite some time, and I expected it was coming. But it hurt more than I could immagine.

We have tried to remain friends off and on, but it is hard to watch the man you love, fall in love with someone else. Eventually, I just stopped talking to him, and he to me. Even though I still felt the pain, and I wanted him to be a part of my life very badly.

I was always there for him when he needed me, and I have always tried to be objective when asked for advice, no matter how hard it was.

When I started dating again, he became jealous, and tried to distract me, and it worked on one occassion. But soon any hopes I had for salvaging "US" fell by the wayside, as he was still in love with another woman, although they were not together at the time.

I have been dating for several months now, and he has started talking to me again. It is like he has a sixth sense or somehting. He hurt me so deeply and yet, I can't get him out of my mind. There is no one on earth like this man. And I can't even begin to desbribe how wonderful he is in so very many ways, despite his faults.

Last night he called, and we spoke for hours until 3 AM. He said some things that left me wondering. You see, after he and the other woman he fell in love with parted, he realized that he had pushed all of his friends away (Myself included) to be with her. And now there was no one left. He is completely alone, and according to him he doesn't want to be alone anymore.

I can sympathize, I don't want to be alone anymore either. But he is still not willing to make a commitment to me. He wants to be friends for a while, and see where things go from there. He says he can not make me any promises that we will end up together.

I don't know if I am willing to compromise my time to be his "friend with possibilities of more". But I do love him very deeply.

Please help. Is there a way I can persuade him to commit? Is there a secret password to these guys or something??? Or should I run like the devil is chasing me?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 4:45pm
Have you read: He's Scared, She's Scared by Steven Carter and Julia Sokol? I suggest you do. It might help you understand his behavior.

::Is there a way I can persuade him to commit?

NO. And would you really want someone you had to persuade to be with you?

::Is there a secret password to these guys or something???

No.

::Or should I run like the devil is chasing me?

Yes.

You have to realize that you are a 'back up plan' someone he can fall back on when his life (and relationships) don't work out. You are giving, loving and supporting in hopes that he will return in kind. Either he does or he doesn't. Sounds like he doesn't.

Sorry for your pain.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2004
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 4:55pm
Anguish, heart mutilating is more like it LOL! I asked him if I was just his back up plan once.... He denied it. But that doesn't mean he was telling the truth. It makes sense though doesn't it?
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 4:57pm
Of course he denied it. Most people don't know that they behave that way. In addition, he can't admit to it, if he does and you decide not to see him anymore, he doesn't have a friendly shoulder to cry on or a warm bed to fall into.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2004
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 5:09pm
Yes, that is true. I just have to figure out how to let him go. That is the hard part. We are friends, and I have always treasured our friendship even more so than our love for one another at times. It is just so confusing.