he keeps lying about porn

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2004
he keeps lying about porn
14
Thu, 05-13-2004 - 12:33pm
Please help! My fiance and I just bought a house, and our wedding is in 4 months. For the 4th time I have caught him looking at on-line porn pictures of other women. (The only way I find out is because I snoop around on the computer to find out where he has been, and he isn't computer savy enough to cover his tracks) The porn is problem #1, then problem #2 comes when I confront him about it. I ask him, and he lies and makes excuses ( excuses like it was on his email, and he thought it was from a friend, it was a pop-up, and on and on). I watch him wiggle around long enough, and then I tell him I know better. Then, and only then, he tells me the truth??! This is the 4th time!! The last time, I really thought it was the last time. He promised, and had stopped for about 2 months. Then I gave him a poloroid camera, and let him take his own personal pictures of me to keep him satisfied. What should I do? This is our only problem. Do I call of the wedding, and take the house? I can't trust him anymore, and I am starting to doubt everything else he tells me on any subject. What do I do? Please help!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2004
Sat, 05-15-2004 - 3:46pm
It is good that he admits he has a problem and is willing to work on it. I think you need to put the wedding on hold and work through these issues so you don't have to feel like you are making a big decision/commitment without enough information.

Erin's posts about value systems is very good - you should think hard and long about that matter. How are you going to feel if your future children discover his habit/addiction?

Men are very visual creatures. However, I have noticed that the ones who have to rely on porn are not at all creative or generous when it comes to having a sexual relationship and in time this can suffer. Maybe you need to evaluate that too.

His reaction of wanting to hide this might also tell you something about the depth of his problem.

Always listen to your inner voice about what is best for you. And don't let money, weddings and houses come into play with such a long-term decision.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-01-2004
Sat, 05-15-2004 - 9:20pm
Have you ever tried viewing your own porn? There are many kinds porn maybe if you find something you could watch together. (couple porn), you could learn and explore new things together I think some porn is a good thing and after you have been married a while It can teach you some spicy new numbers. I say unless it's some freaky porn or something, let him watch, hell watch with him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2004
Sun, 05-16-2004 - 12:27pm
Ok everyone, I do not have a problem with a little porn. It could spice things up, but he has made it dirty by hiding it. So instead of opening the door up for some spice between us, he has made it dirty and taboo with lies and deception.

Also, at this point in the game when he has admitted to being addicted to porn, you can not have a compromise. That is telling an alcoholic it would be ok to drink, as long as you drink together.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2004
Mon, 05-17-2004 - 4:43pm
I agree with you on that one...I was about to suggest watching something with him until I read that you think and he thinks that this is a huge problem. At least for now, I agree that no porn is the better option.

I am glad that you have discussed it, made some headway and you are feeling better. Just remember that this is a process and it will take time. Inevitably, and I am not trying to scare you, you will catch him again, I am sure. But if he works at it and you get somewhere together, it might give you some ability to keep trying. That is your choice and you must decide how to handle it.

Good luck!

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