He love me more than I love him

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2014
He love me more than I love him
7
Sun, 02-09-2014 - 10:09pm

I feel really sad. I don’t know what’s happening to me. We have been dating for 31 months ( im 22, he’s 24). I love him but not as how much he loves me. I already told myself before I accepted him that I will never give 100 percent of my love to my future boyfriends. So that if they hurt me, I still have a part of me to build myself easily. (fear of loving too much).  But now, I feel conflicted. I feel bad that I have this feeling where he’s wasting his time with me. Whenever something happened to us such as fighting, I got two feelings, first is I feel happy because this might be the way for us to be separated. But second, I felt hurt and sad because I know he’s so hurt as well(he even cry). I really don’t know what to do. I am thinking, should I keep the relationship and hope that my love for him will be conditionally equivalent to his love for me? or I should end it before I could hurt him more?


Physical attraction is not the problem for sure. But I don’t feel and I don’t find myself making love to him anymore. (last time was 6 months ago). I feel that if we do it, I won’t feel anything anymore. I don't even get excited just thinking on doing it with him.To think, I did the first move before and lost my purity out of curiosity and peer pressure.


I feel so evil. I don’t want to hurt him.He’s so good and nice to me.He buys me expensive things. Treat me meals. I could really feel he deeply love me. But why I can't return the level of love he’s giving me?. Why is that I feel that there is someone out there better for me?


I don’t feel chills when I see him. I don’t feel sparks and fireworks when he kiss me or touch me. I can only feel protection. I feel contented when he’s with me.


I get attracted to other guys as well. I want to mingle but of course I can't because I’m in a relationship. But I miss doing it. I can’t go to parties or late night with girl friends because he’s always afraid that I will find and flirt another guy so he won’t allow me to “have fun”. It’s been 2 years I drank and partied, and we fought that time because I went out. So after that incident. We agreed that we’ll only party and drink if we are together doing it. (which we never did, because he don’t want to go out hahaha)


I’m sure he won’t cheat. He’s too good to do it. He’s really  family oriented man. Not a huge dreamer. While I am too ambitious in my goal. (we are both programmers btw) I’m 6 hours travel away from him. He visits me once a month. (both busy in our work).


urrrggg! im so confused. Advice?Help?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Mon, 02-10-2014 - 12:30am

You have been with him for 2.5 years.  You were 18 years old when you started with him, which means you really didn't know what you wanted.  You still don't know what you want.  You won't give 100% of your love to anyone?  Then you'll never find the right man for you.  Why are you so sure that you will be hurt by future boyfriends?  If you pick boyfriends that will hurt you, then of course you will be hurt.  But why not pick good boyfriends that won't hurt you?  Young people go into relationships, then decide it doesn't work, and they end relationships.  When a relationship ends, someone gets hurt unless it's a mutual ending, and that is rare.  You are attracted to other men, so you need to end this relationship, and find someone that you CAN give 100% to. 

Yes, he will be hurt, but he will get over it.  People break up all the time.  They're unhappy for a while, then they find someone new. You went into this relationship for all the wrong reasons.  You did it out of curiousity and peer pressure.  Now you pay the price for that.  You don't even have physical attraction to him!  If you want to be kind to him, then end the relationship and let him find someone who loves him, because you don't love him.  You're using him now......and that's wrong.  You allow him to buy you expensive gifts and take you for nice meals.  That is WRONG.  You need to tell him that it's over.....and stop seeing him.  Go out with your girlfriends and have a good time......he will be fine.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2014
Mon, 02-10-2014 - 2:21am

Fissatore - I guess you're right. We had plenty of fights before even on  very simple things like one time he got hurt when i got impatient and got sarcastic on my answers to him because he didnt got/understood my answers at first and he told me and demanded that I should be patient more. I had my chances before on ending our relationship, (i even saved up money to return the maximum amount he spent on me on things) but he breaks down crying and he really beg to give us chance. It hurts me to see him cry like that, my heart tightens, it really hurts me. That's why Im a coward and having a hard time ending our relationship now. I'm still confused at this moment. I have this feeling that he's not for me. He's good for me but he's not the one. I'm spoild in our relationship. Now, I'm just being a good girlfriend. But I'm not fully happy anymore.

I'll think about a chance. Thank you so much. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2014
Mon, 02-10-2014 - 2:26am

Thank You.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013
Mon, 02-10-2014 - 9:12am

You are gaining life experience by dating and seeing what works for you and what doesn't. Your idea about holding back from truly loving someone 100% is misguided. If you ever meet "the one," he will sense a barrier there and maybe break up with you, since he'll sense something missing. The way to  survive a relationship breakup is to always have a life outside of a man. Continue spending time with girlfriends, going to the gym, having a hobby or interest all your own, etc. When you don't make the man the sole object of your universe, then breakups won't be all encompassing devastation.

Yes, you have feelings. You feel bad about having to break up with a nice person. Most of us do. That's life. You have to do difficult things sometimes because it's the right thing to do. If you stay with him, you're settling. Every wasted day you spend with him, is time he could be dating someone who is crazy about him. Although he doesn't know it right now, you'll be doing him a favor. He'll see this in the future when he is so much happier with a woman who returns his affection.

Be the stronger person for both of you. Get a spine and break up with him now. It doesn't matter what you tell him. He will beg, cry, etc. Tell him the relationship isn't working for you and you won't change your mind. For closure, you shouldn't be communicating with each other any longer. It's for his own good, so don't reply to his texts, calls, e-mails. He can't get over you with continued communication. Change your number if you have to. Good luck.

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Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Mon, 02-10-2014 - 3:52pm

 Break up with him.  He is far too insecure and has a hint of controlling.  Your body is telling you no.  That is why you do not feel sexual for him.  Go out and enjoy life.  New experiences new BF/Lovers etc travel start a career.  There is a lot out there to experience. 

Goldfish

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2014
Mon, 02-10-2014 - 8:07pm
Safire1023 - yeah..thank you so much. I'm really thinking on ways and right words to say to him. But as of now, we are really in good terms. I really hope I'll be doing the right thing soon. weeeew It scares a hell lot...just thinking about his family will hate me for hurting him..He really thinks that im the right one for him,he said he can see me in his future, as his wife blah blah.. you know i am kind of sad as well because since we dated, my relationship with my friends were gone. He hates my girl friends, he thought they're bad influences since before we partied and mingle a lot and most of them hooked up with random guys. So he doesn't want me to hang with friends. He don't hang out also because he doesn't like it, he rather spend the time with me or by himself. He has this logic that "If i can make myself stay out from going out, you should also be" My friends and I don't talk anymore, just doing "liking" in Facebook. I'm preparing myself for the next few days, I think I can talk to him about my feelings. OooHH it's so hard to grow some balls in times like this..waaaa Thank you. Safire1023
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Tue, 02-11-2014 - 11:55am

This is even more evidence that he's controlling you, or trying to.  Insecure men try to control, and one way is to separate you from your friends.  Because they know your friends will tell you he's bad for you.  Sometimes in life you have to be selfish, and do what is best for you even if someone else is hurt.  When he cries, that is also controlling you.  If he makes you feel guilty (he does that a lot)then you will stay.  Don't worry about paying him for what he gave you.  Unless you demanded it from him, he gave it of his own free will, you don't owe himk, OR his family anything.  The next time there are cross words between you, that is when you tell him that it's over, and you don't want him in your life anymore.  He WILL cry, and you should ignore that.  You will find your old friends, or make new friends.  He WILL stop crying as soon as you're gone......he's only doing it to make you feel guilty.  You didn't say if you live with him, I hope not!  When you leave, you must block him from your phone, and have NO CONTACT with him.  Block him from your email and from your Facebook if you have that.  Make contact with your friends, keep yourself busy, and start enjoying your life.  Trust me, he will be just fine, once he understands that he no longer controls you, he will find someone new to control.