He loves me but he's not in love with me

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2007
He loves me but he's not in love with me
22
Fri, 04-06-2007 - 1:20pm

I love you, but I'm not in love with you...anymore.

That's what my boyfriend told me yesterday. I am crushed. I am hurt, confused, and I dont' know what to do. He says that he cares about me, and he does love me, but he's not in love with me anymore.

Here's the story:
We got together while I was still married about a year and a half ago. I knew I was going to leave my husband before he was even in the picture. I was just waiting for the "right time". Our relationship exploded with passion, love and sex! We were highly in love with eachother. We both broke up with our significant others and after only about 2 months moved in together. We were so happy! I know it wasn't just me that was happy. He talked about kids, marriage, our future together. It was a dream come true. Of course we had normal fights and disagreements, but everything was great.

Then about I don't know, maybe 3 months ago I noticed a change. He didn't really want to have sex anymore, he seemed aggravated with me all the time, nothing I ever did was good enough. He started saying that he didn't want to have kids, that maybe he would never get married. That if we were together for 5 years he would maybe consider marrying me. I asked him numerous times if he was cheating, wanted to break up, didn't want me anymore etc. All of his answers were a resounding "no". So we went on like normal and yesterday he says, "he loves me, but he's not in love with me anymore."

He doesn't want to break up. He says he's confused. He doesn't want to lose me then figure out that he's in love with me and have lost me. He says he started feeling this way about 1 month ago (I think it was longer ago then that), and that it's nothing I did, it's him. He's not sure if he wants a girlfriend and if we broke up he would be single. So I don't think there's anyone else. But the fact is, right here and now, he doesn't love me...I guess he likes me a lot.

I don't know what to do...do I leave now? Or do I wait and hope he'll figure out he loves me. I'm worried if I stay that in the end he won't love me anyway. I don't understand. I'm overwhelmed with emotion. I feel like I could cry for days. I feel like I've been seriously beaten up.

What do I do???

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Fri, 04-06-2007 - 1:34pm

Welcome to the board amhs1982,


I can imagine it was really hard to hear your bf say that he wasn't in

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2007
Fri, 04-06-2007 - 2:17pm

Yes, it would be a possibilty. My friend has already offered up her place for me to stay at. I just don't know if I'm strong enough to leave when he's telling me to stay. I think 1 good thing that will be happening is that he's going to Florida on the 21st of this month. He'll be gone for 8 days. I'm looking forward to that time by myself. I'm hoping it will be good for him too. Do you think it's ok to stay at least until he returns and see where we stand then? In the mean time I'll just let him do his thing and try not to bug him too much about the status of our relationship.

I'm just so confused, he's still telling me that he loves me - even though I told him he didn't have to. I don't know...what do I do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Fri, 04-06-2007 - 2:52pm

Hi amhs,


The 8 days apart may help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Fri, 04-06-2007 - 4:01pm

Yes, I think staying until he gets back from Florida would be okay. Him being gone for 8 days and out of the state should give him some time to think about how he feels about you and your relationship. Then when he gets back you can go from there.


Good luck and please feel free to post on the board anytime.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2007
Fri, 04-06-2007 - 4:44pm
Thanks so much. I feel much better about my decision to stay until he returns now.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Fri, 04-06-2007 - 5:57pm
Good, let us know what happens when he gets back or let us know if you need any more help.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2007
Sat, 04-07-2007 - 6:36pm

Ok...so I need some help again. Last night we got in a huge fight. It all started because his friend wanted to add me as a friend on myspace. His friend emailed me, so I added him, and then he sent me an email through myspace. His friend told my boyfriend that I was the one that requested him to be my friend first. Of course I had the proof that it was him, but my boyfriend would NOT believe me. He said he was going to break up with me etc. Finally I showed him the proof but he was still so angry. We fought for about an hour when he finally told me to leave. I left and went to a friends house. Today he's telling me that he loves me and he wants this to work out. He says that he figured out he's scared to love me so much because his x girlfriend (who he was ready to marry) totally broke his heart. I've suspected this problem all along but that's the first time he admitted it. Anyway he hasn't asked me to come back yet, and I think even if he did right now I would say no. I told him he has until he gets back from his trip to decide. After that I can't do it any longer. I told him it wasn't an ultimatum, it simply is what I can allow myself to take from him. He says that we are still together, but in my mind things have changed so drastically that it's like we're not together.

Anyway I'm even more confused then I was before....Any advice????

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2004
Sat, 04-07-2007 - 9:34pm

Ah where have I heard these words that some "turkey plucker" must have invented...........I love you, but I'm not in love with you....

Contrary to former messages I humbly suggest you cross this man off completely! He sounds immature, confused, and definitely NOT ready for any form of relationship.

Why wait for him to return from this trip? While you hold out hope he will return and tell you what you want to hear, I suspect that instead he will be more confused than ever. Likely he will have had 'entertainment' with other women....
Is this really what you want?

Muster all your dignity and move on. Crushing as this is for you time will show that you did the right thing by moving away from this "scatter brained child".....

A relationship that is not based on reasonably balanced give and take will never succeed, and consequently destroy whatever loving feelings may have existed at the start.

Counseling? For yourself maybe....... Otherwise don't waste any more effort on this man. If..... remote.....he should at some time in the future discover he does love you, misses you, can't live without you... Have him take not one but two polygraph tests! By then you'll have settled for a man that truly loves YOU.

You're worth much more.......

DAGNY

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-1999
Sun, 04-08-2007 - 5:46pm
amhs1982
I unserstand how you feel exactly how you feel.
I have been married for 23 years and my husband
decides he isnt in love with me anymore.
He is 40 and I think he is going through a mid life crisis.
Well anyway dont sit and wait for him to make a disision
on whether or not he wants to be with you
Go out with your friends have fun and meet new people.
You cant make someone love you nor can you change the
person you love. Any thing you do or say will not
change how he feels about you.
Let him go.
His Loss
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Sun, 04-08-2007 - 7:10pm

While hearing what he said must hurt like heck, I think you need to face the fact that this is a blessing in disguise.

First of all, never (and I mean, NEVER begrudge someone for being honest with you). His honest admittance that he "loves you but isn't IN LOVE with you" is a gift to you ... if you choose to accept it. Why? Because, its giving you the KNOWLEDGE you need to make an informed decision. I know its way hard to view it that way, at this point, but ... it is a gift to know the truth. The TRUTH is what gives us a choice, the truth is what we need to make informed decisions ... and ultimately, the truth is what sets us free.

So, no ... you don't need to wait it out and see if he'll "figure out if he loves you." Not unless you have very low self-esteem and/or don't think you'll find someone better out there.

I'm not sure how old you are (if the 1982 in your SN is any indication, you're about 24, 25?) or what your relationship experience is (other than being married) ... but, I think in hindsight, you'll discover there are several lessons you can learn from this experience, if you choose to learn them:

Lesson #1: << We got together while I was still married about a year and a half ago. I knew I was going to leave my husband before he was even in the picture. I was just waiting for the "right time". >>

You got together while you were still married, and he (your current BF) was with someone else. So, you started this as an affair.

Now, you might not like those words "affair" ...most people don't like admitting that ... it sounds sordid and dirty... but, the sooner you accept that this STARTED on the wrong foot, the sooner you will accept that it most likely just wasn't in the cards for you guys. Rarely, when things START before the previous relationship(s) have ENDED do those relationships work out.

Did you know that only about 1% of relationships that start as affairs actually work out? That said, if you knew going in that your relationship only had a 1 out of 100 chance of working, would you have gone there in the first place?

More often than not, in life ...we are rarely the exceptions to the rule. Though we'd all like to believe that our situations are different, there's a REASON why relationships that start before finishing the previous relationship is finished don't work.

Lesson to be learned ... finish one relationship before starting another ... even if you already knew you were going to leave your husband, the fact is ... you were not yet available and you gave yourself ZERO time between relationships ... which isn't good for your overall healing.

Lesson #2: << Our relationship exploded with passion, love and sex! We were highly in love with eachother. >>

No, hon ... you were highly in lust. There's a big difference between love and lust ... and yes, affairs are ALWAYS explosive and passionate. And yes, people confuse those feelings with love. It's not.

Lesson #3: << We both broke up with our significant others and after only about 2 months moved in together. We were so happy!>>

Do not EVER in the future move in with someone after only 2 months. There's no possible way, after only 2 months, of knowing that its going to work. You don't really know each other yet. You only know how you feel, how the other person makes you feel. Next time,give it 2 YEARS ... not 2 MONTHS ... before even entertaining the idea of living together (and marriage).

Lesson #4: << He's not sure if he wants a girlfriend and if we broke up he would be single. >>

And this one is for both of you ... he's not sure if he wants a GF because he didn't give himself any time between relationships. And, now ... all that initial passion and lust has subsided ... and reality has kicked in ... and he's questioning his choices. Smart thing to do, actually. It's smart to take a step back and say "whoa, maybe I moved on this too fast ... perhaps I let myself get carried away."

There's nothing wrong with admitting a mistake was made and learning from that mistake.

I know all of that is probably the LAST thing you want to hear but ... letting him go is the BEST thing you could do for both of you. If its meant to work out, it will only be AFTER you've both had some time apart and some time to be single ... somethign you didn't do after your previous relationships. You see, at that time, while you were both with other people ... you were each crutching on the other, turning to each other ... neither of you gave ourselves any time to stand on your own two feet. Now's the time to do that.

If, after some time on your own, you each discover that you've had some time "re-learn" yourselves ... and you're both single and want to start it again from a clearer slate ... then, consider it. But, for now ... this is probably the best thing that could have happened for you.

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