He loves me but he's not in love with me

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2007
He loves me but he's not in love with me
22
Fri, 04-06-2007 - 1:20pm

I love you, but I'm not in love with you...anymore.

That's what my boyfriend told me yesterday. I am crushed. I am hurt, confused, and I dont' know what to do. He says that he cares about me, and he does love me, but he's not in love with me anymore.

Here's the story:
We got together while I was still married about a year and a half ago. I knew I was going to leave my husband before he was even in the picture. I was just waiting for the "right time". Our relationship exploded with passion, love and sex! We were highly in love with eachother. We both broke up with our significant others and after only about 2 months moved in together. We were so happy! I know it wasn't just me that was happy. He talked about kids, marriage, our future together. It was a dream come true. Of course we had normal fights and disagreements, but everything was great.

Then about I don't know, maybe 3 months ago I noticed a change. He didn't really want to have sex anymore, he seemed aggravated with me all the time, nothing I ever did was good enough. He started saying that he didn't want to have kids, that maybe he would never get married. That if we were together for 5 years he would maybe consider marrying me. I asked him numerous times if he was cheating, wanted to break up, didn't want me anymore etc. All of his answers were a resounding "no". So we went on like normal and yesterday he says, "he loves me, but he's not in love with me anymore."

He doesn't want to break up. He says he's confused. He doesn't want to lose me then figure out that he's in love with me and have lost me. He says he started feeling this way about 1 month ago (I think it was longer ago then that), and that it's nothing I did, it's him. He's not sure if he wants a girlfriend and if we broke up he would be single. So I don't think there's anyone else. But the fact is, right here and now, he doesn't love me...I guess he likes me a lot.

I don't know what to do...do I leave now? Or do I wait and hope he'll figure out he loves me. I'm worried if I stay that in the end he won't love me anyway. I don't understand. I'm overwhelmed with emotion. I feel like I could cry for days. I feel like I've been seriously beaten up.

What do I do???

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Mon, 04-09-2007 - 2:07pm
What is the big deal even if you had asked to be a friend on his friends myspace? Is he jealous?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2007
Mon, 04-09-2007 - 3:12pm

I don't really understand why he got so upset about it either. I know that his x-girlfriend (who he was about to ask to marry) cheated on him and then married the guy she cheated on him with. I also know that his friend does have a "thing" for me, and he's worried that something would happen...I guess. Basically he's jealous. He told me the other day that he does love me - but he's scared to love me because of what happened with his x. So what the hell does that mean???? RRRR

Confused, frustrated, and hurt

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Mon, 04-09-2007 - 3:45pm
It sounds like he is having trust issues. He doesn't trust you because of what happened with him and his ex and he doesn't trust you because his friend likes you and he is worried something will happen between the two of you.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2007
Mon, 04-09-2007 - 4:45pm
......yes I think that's what it is. But what do I do about it? I've never given him a reason to not trust me. I've always been truthful with him.... I dont' know what I can do???
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Mon, 04-09-2007 - 5:40pm
That's the thing. These are his issues you didn't create them and until he realizes he has them and is willing to do fix them it isn't going to change. You could talk to him about it and see what he says.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2007
Thu, 04-12-2007 - 1:45pm
I am in a similar situation. After 1.5 years together, after investing so much into our relationship, after him always saying that I'm the coolest girl he's ever met, after his friends/family have fallen in love with me and everything seems great, he has told me that he never wants to get married and he has stopped telling me that he loves me. He said that he is so afraid that if it doesn't work out I'd get half of what he owns (a lot of $$ and "toys"); also, that things would turn routine and I'd get fat. Yes, I can't believe either that this is coming out of a mouth of a 40+ year old! He has all the proof for the opposite: I don't care about $$$, - we have both been married before but I chose not to take anything from my x b/c I didn't want to deal with it and I didn't need his stuff. Plus, I have been in great shape all my life. Everyone we know, including ourselves, believe that we are a great match and people are sort of expecting us to get engaged soon. Might he be going thru some mid life crises or has he got bored and doesn't appreaciate any longer what he has? I have given him no pressure what so ever (we both do not want kids) but I'm a girl and would need to see a sign or something... He has had serious commitment issues in the past but has got a lot better. Am I wasting time with him?
Avatar for sullengurl
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2004
Thu, 04-12-2007 - 2:06pm

I just wanted to chime in here with my 2 cents, for what they are worth...

Why do some people see love as being a "feeling" only....as though they can slip in and out of love for no other reason than the sun came up this morning?

Love is not about those passionate, lustful, spontaneous feelings one inevitably feels when it is all new, or secret, or whatever.

Love is a choice.

One chooses to love another above him/herself. And when one decides to love him/herself above the other and the newness has worn off, well then they start to think that they have "fallen out of love".

That's just my opinion...
Sorry to all who are dealing with this. But I think it's important to find someone who can understand that love is about so much more than those flirty-feel-good moments....I know it is hard, but it takes work and commitment. I'm sorry someone you care about has told you he isn't in love with you anymore, that hurts:( It will take time for you to grieve the relationship and move forward, take care of yourself!

 


 



iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Thu, 04-12-2007 - 3:04pm

<< He said that he is so afraid that if it doesn't work out I'd get half of what he owns (a lot of $$ and "toys"); also, that things would turn routine and I'd get fat. >>

And you haven't high-tailed it out the door yet? What's the motivation for staying with someone who is clearly saying he doesn't see a future with you?

And honestly, he may not see himself settling down with *anyone* ... but, that's not the point. The point is, he's in a relationship WITH YOU ... not someone else ... yet doesn't see it going anywhere because he's "so afraid" of losing his shirt.

<< Am I wasting time with him? >>

Given the above, need you ask? ;-) YES!! He may think your the << the coolest girl he's ever met>> ... and he may honestly believe that ... but, he doesn't want a commitment ... he may be ok with the current level of commitment and having you in his life for years to come ... so long as it doesn't tie him down (ie, he doesn't want to get married) ... there are many men who are ok with "just dating" for years ... they dont get anything entangled, no assets combined ... nothing legal ... no fuss, no mess ... but, they don't want the hassle of having to divide things up in the event that it doens't work out ... so, they keep the status quo going for years and years.

And years and years later, the woman in this situation is wondering when, if ever, the "investment" (ie, marriage) is going to pay off.

It's not. If a man starts telling you the thigns that your BF is saying ... my best and only advice is BELIEVE HIM!

Hon, you're only a year and half in ... get out now ... otherwise, you'll be in the same position years from now ... with only MORE years invested ... and it will be even HARDER to leave because of all that time invested.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2005
Thu, 04-12-2007 - 3:09pm

OK, here it is and I'm gonna be blunt...

The whole ex-girlfriend thing? His fear of getting hurt again? This is a huge, in your face billboard sign that he has NOT done the work to heal himself after that relationship before getting involved with you. You cannot fix this for him. It is his work to do, and his alone. He is being totally honest with you, and if you do care about him you must believe him. The whole myspace incident is childish and he is showing you his level of maturity.

Realize that he has told you how he feels and has shown his level of maturity. The decision to be in a relationship is not up to him - it is up to you, too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2007
Thu, 04-12-2007 - 5:11pm
Thank you, Starbuck70 for spelling it out for me. I agree with you and I know that if I want OUT, I should do it NOW, but I wish it was that easy... The thing is that he still WANTS to stay together and sees us together in the future, but in his own weird way. It's just that he is scared and doesn't want anything official, just a great gal who's always there for him when he gets old. Of course, this is very selfish! Me on the other hand, I don't think I'll ever have energy and strenght to start looking again, I got very sick and tired of many years of dating games, bad relationships and a failed marriage. I guess I have to make a choice here: to stay with a guy whom I'll always have great time with but who doesn't love me and would never marry, OR keep looking and getting more hurt, bitter and lonely on the way? I just wish I didn't love him...