He loves me but he's not in love with me

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2007
He loves me but he's not in love with me
22
Fri, 04-06-2007 - 1:20pm

I love you, but I'm not in love with you...anymore.

That's what my boyfriend told me yesterday. I am crushed. I am hurt, confused, and I dont' know what to do. He says that he cares about me, and he does love me, but he's not in love with me anymore.

Here's the story:
We got together while I was still married about a year and a half ago. I knew I was going to leave my husband before he was even in the picture. I was just waiting for the "right time". Our relationship exploded with passion, love and sex! We were highly in love with eachother. We both broke up with our significant others and after only about 2 months moved in together. We were so happy! I know it wasn't just me that was happy. He talked about kids, marriage, our future together. It was a dream come true. Of course we had normal fights and disagreements, but everything was great.

Then about I don't know, maybe 3 months ago I noticed a change. He didn't really want to have sex anymore, he seemed aggravated with me all the time, nothing I ever did was good enough. He started saying that he didn't want to have kids, that maybe he would never get married. That if we were together for 5 years he would maybe consider marrying me. I asked him numerous times if he was cheating, wanted to break up, didn't want me anymore etc. All of his answers were a resounding "no". So we went on like normal and yesterday he says, "he loves me, but he's not in love with me anymore."

He doesn't want to break up. He says he's confused. He doesn't want to lose me then figure out that he's in love with me and have lost me. He says he started feeling this way about 1 month ago (I think it was longer ago then that), and that it's nothing I did, it's him. He's not sure if he wants a girlfriend and if we broke up he would be single. So I don't think there's anyone else. But the fact is, right here and now, he doesn't love me...I guess he likes me a lot.

I don't know what to do...do I leave now? Or do I wait and hope he'll figure out he loves me. I'm worried if I stay that in the end he won't love me anyway. I don't understand. I'm overwhelmed with emotion. I feel like I could cry for days. I feel like I've been seriously beaten up.

What do I do???

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Fri, 04-13-2007 - 2:32pm

<< Thank you, Starbuck70 for spelling it out for me. I agree with you and I know that if I want OUT, I should do it NOW, but I wish it was that easy... >>

You're welcome. If you want out, it is that easy. People situations more difficult than they need to be ... because they allow themselves to be swayed away from what is best/right for them.

Doing the right thing and doing the easy thing are rarely, if ever, the same. The right thing is hard to do, but it's always the RIGHT thing to do.

Case in point ... you said << The thing is that he still WANTS to stay together and sees us together in the future, but in his own weird way. >>

HE wants to stay together ...what about what YOU want!?

See, right there ... you're being swayed by what HE wants. Is this the relationship YOU want. In his "weird way" ... what in the world is that? If his "weird way" isn't in alignment with YOUR WAY ... then, you do what's best/right for you and move on ... so, you can align with someone who's WAY is compatible with yours.

But, that requires YOU to know what you want ... you have to know what YOUR way is.

<< It's just that he is scared and doesn't want anything official, just a great gal who's always there for him when he gets old. >>

Hooey! You're buying into all this "he's scared" stuff. Here's the REAL DEAL: any man (or woman) who knows what he wants and knows who he is ... isn't SCARED. Period. End of story.

<< I don't think I'll ever have energy and strenght to start looking again, I got very sick and tired of many years of dating games, bad relationships and a failed marriage.>>

Sure you do ... you just have to realize that YOU are the common denominator in YOUR relationships. You didn't even have to LOOK before you got involved with this guy ... you were still married. Therein lies the problem ... and again, I'm going to be STRAIGHT UP here ... you aren't making the right choices. When you start making the right choices, dating will no longer be about "games" and losers who don't know what they want. But, you have to know what YOU want ... you have to make better choices.

I mean, honestly ... do you think that getting involved and starting a relationship with a guy before you had left your husband was a SMART CHOICE? Of course not.

And to add to that, he had a GF, too. So, neither of you were available when you got together ... which means NEITHER OF YOU gave yourselves the necessary time to heal and move on from previous relationships. And, you know what? ... its REALLY hard to make smart choices when you're still mired down in the muck. To make good, smart choices ... you have to be free of previous entanglements PRIOR TO getting involved again.

So for now, don't even think about the possiblity of not finding anyone else. Because you see, right now ... you're staying because the IDEA of getting back out there is too much. That's B.S. Sorry, it is ... the whole "I won't find anyone better" or "I don't want to be alone" is NO REASON to stay with someone who doesn't love you and doesn't want a future with you.

You have to want and deserve more for yourself than that. Just do what you need to do FOR YOU ... and take care of YOU ...and you'll discover that by making choices with a clear head and an open heart ... you WILL encounter men who are ready, willing and available for relationships.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2004
Sun, 04-15-2007 - 12:34am

You have given some wise opinions, totally to the point. I hope that your helpful insight is taken to heart.

Gives one pause..........no matter how intelligent, successful.........there is always room for enlightenment. Heaven knows I'm a candidate too!

I read recently that some experts believe the heart has a memory............. If thats so how does one erase that memory? Its bad enough the brain remembers, now the heart too? Does make it harder to move on when both organs are now working together.

Keep up the good work Starbuck, perhaps it will help many others in conflict over their relationships.

DAGNY

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