He manipulates arguments and is a victim
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| Tue, 06-17-2008 - 4:11pm |
DH has the worse arguement tactics I've ever seen and it's very, very tiresome.
He constantly manipulates and plays the persecuted victim and often forgets key points of my efforts. He then just continues it until he's satisfied.
I know he's doing it for a power play/control and it makes up more riled up and continues it further when I refuse to play into it. I actually get quite cold and tell him to just deal because any other way would mean me begging for his forgiveness (95% of the time over stuff I didn't do).
For example, I'm 3 months pregnant and I'm starting to research childcare options now because we are afraid of the price and it may take a long time with waiting lists, etc. I also am concerned about the bills, savings, etc. Why? Because my husband doesn't worry about anything. It's all on me. I have to think about retirement and savings because he doesn't. I have to see my checkbook go down to negative numbers because either he didn't get a full check to pitch in or his pitching in isn't enough. And the list of concerns (mostly financial) go on and on.
He goes up to me yesterday and says that he can't take much more of this and it's only going to get worse as 9 months go on (meaning worrying about bills, the baby, etc). I got mad and told him that's life and compared him to a loser friend of ours who totally does nothing to his marriage and doesn't want to be married or have the kid.
This was last night. He wanted to continue the argument and I didn't so I went to bed. This morning he starts on a 8 paragraph tirade. I respond and then later in the day apologize. Well he didn't read my email response until after my apology and it started the argument all over.
Now he won't go to dinner plans (we cancelled 3 times already with these people). He said he's not going to be home. He said that I never listen about his work schedule with listening to the heartbeat (he said he had to work, now he's going on a golf outting and tells me all along he said it was a different day. It wasn't). He's constantly sounding like a 12 year old manipulative, spoiled brat when he argues and I'm tired of it.
He won't go to councelling and he obviously has so many "persecution" issues that it's ridiculous. He can't stand his mother (favortism over sister and abandonment issues with her and his dad) that somehow I get pulled in that I'm "just like his mom". I don't abandon him. I don't play into his games of "2 wrongs don't make a right" because that statement means (to me) that he can act/do whatever he wants and as soon as he is called on it, he uses that as an excuse.
I'm frustrated beyond belief with his argument style. I have had 3-5 years of therapy so self-awareness is there but holy cow, does he need to get his butt into therapy and he won't.

Welcome to the board maybebaby9,
He isn't going to change until he wants to (especially since he doesn't seem to think he is doing anything wrong). There isn't anything you can do to make him. If having a baby isn't enough to make him want to change, then I don't know what is. The thing that gets me is that his golf outing is more important than going to hear the baby's heartbeat for the first time. I hate to say this, but I only see it getting worse once the baby is born. Sorry I wish I could be of more help.
glitter-graphics.com
glitter-graphics.com
His bad memory is insisting he told me his install is on a Wed and my appt is on a Thurs. He didn't find out about the outting until Monday and paid to sponsor a hole (aka advertising for the business)
All along until Monday he said his install was Thurs and he couldn't get away--which was fine.
Either he's totally stupid and forgetful of what he/I said or he's just a dumb@ss.
We did hear the heartbeat at week 7 but still. I did stress that the doc said it was a no big deal important. I didn't find out until last week that it was a heartbeat appt.
Ugh. He's such a moron.
glitter-graphics.com
glitter-graphics.com
Welcome to the board maybebaby9,
Since you have been to therapy before, maybe you should consider going again - alone - to learn different ways of coping with his behavior. He's not going to change. What he does serves him.
Obviously he has many issues, including feeling jealous and competetive with the baby already. Many men find pregnancy a difficult (not joyous) time. They feel edged out, blame the wife who is now turning into a "mother", and if they had difficulty with their own mothers, they can begin to see the wife as they saw their mothers as well.
Unless he gets some therapy, things could certainly go downhill. You don't deserve to be abused. You have to protect your body, feelings, child and money. So, the question is, here you are married to someone who seems to be behaving like a child. If he won't go into therapy to work on these issues (and it sounds as if he will not), perhaps you should. You need all the clarity, strength and support now to handle these next months wisely. There are many changes that come with being a new mother and the last thing you need is anger and abuse.
Best wishes,
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Hi there maybebaby,
Your husband needs therapy. He is acting like a jerk and a spoiled kid.
You made some very good points.
He actually got better in the way he treats me from when we dated. The argument style, however, has been the same for 7 years.
I would say my part, and what he blames me for, is basically every waking minute I worry about finances. But I have to. He does nothing to save for our future (although he's trying to get his credit cards down). He doesn't take proactive steps in figuring out costs of a child. And he won't take a 2nd job to get ahead. So thus, at least 3 xs a week I'm up from a dead sleep at 2am worrying. And he's tired of it.