Is he my partner or parent?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2005
Is he my partner or parent?
9
Thu, 09-06-2007 - 6:57am
When I do something that upsets my boyfriend, he takes the role of the discerning parent, and I am beginning to feel that he doesn't see me as an equal in the relationship. For example, in the last two days I have made two careless mistakes at the expense of my boyfriend.
First Offense: (mind you, I don't own a car, which immediately puts me in the parasitic position) I went home with him after dinner, only to realize when we arrived at his house that I had an early morning obligation, which would mean he would have to take me there..early. Of course, I was full of apologies and ideas of how to solely get there, but he insisted on angrily taking me there, forcing me to feel the guilt.
Second Offense: This time, I asked him to take me home so that the previous problem could not occur, but upon arrival at my house, I realized that I left my house key at our previous location. Now I just felt stupid. His response to my feelings, "Have you learned your lesson yet? You are lucky that I didn't just leave you there."
It seems that this hierarchy is stemming from his power in the transportation region. I ask him not to give me rides, but he feels obligated.
I guess I could use some discipline and order in my life, but it just doesn't feel right coming from him. Am I wrong?
Is this relationship completely incompatible, or should I just stop accepting rides?
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Thu, 09-06-2007 - 8:05am

I have questions:

How long have you been together?

How old are the two of you?

Do you constantly forget things like appointments and keys, or were these two one-time incidents?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Thu, 09-06-2007 - 1:12pm

Welcome to the board moe_mole,


I have the same questions as the last poster....


There are some good books on the subject of the dynamics of relationship Adult-Adult, Parent-Child, etc. and how we fall into those roles.


When he says these things, what do you say bacK?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2007
Thu, 09-06-2007 - 5:15pm
Hold on ...

Northkountry          

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2005
Fri, 09-07-2007 - 2:28am

We go to the same small university, and have been together for 1 year. We are both 22 years old.
I occasionally forget things, but I don't think I am above average as comparison to other people's forgetfulness. It may be beneficial to know that this attitude was revealed at the same time that I sold my car (by request of my financially strapped parents)

Do you have any specific reading recommendations for parent-child relationships?

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 09-07-2007 - 11:07am

First of all, no one can force you to feel guilt. People can act anyway they like, how you respond is up to you.


It is not up to him to drive you around, (especially when he resents it). It is not his obligation. You are two equal individuals and it is up to you to get yourself where you need to go. Otherwise, he is behaving as a parent. Make your own plans to get places, unless it is something the two of you are doing together, or going to together. Then it's fine if he takes you there. But there's no reason at all he should drive you around to your personal activities. The fact that he feels obligated is his feeling. It is not the truth, and you do not have to go along with it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Fri, 09-07-2007 - 12:12pm
I can't remember the title of the book I specifically read, but try this one: TA Today: A New Introduction to Transactional Analysis by Ian Stewart.



iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2007
Fri, 09-07-2007 - 1:10pm
I had an ex who would do that to me constantly. He was also quite abusive. How does your boyfriend treat you otherwise?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Sat, 09-08-2007 - 9:56am
I've known men like this before and they only get worse. I'd get out now. You're not married to him, why are you staying with someone who belittles your intelligence, is spiteful to you, and enjoys punishing you? Whether you acknowledge it or not that is abuse. Putting up with it tells him that his punishment techniques are working. How do you stand being with a man who you know feels GOOD every time he makes you feel badly about yourself? Think of what he could be like as a father. I have to say that reading material will not help if you are looking to change the way he acts - that's impossible. You can only make the choice to stand up for yourself or not, and I suggest you make that decision today.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2007
Sat, 09-08-2007 - 9:25pm

Hello, you know i can really relate to this. I am 21, and i married a women that is 9 years older than me. I love her to pieces but at first she was really kind of controlling and really uptight with me about everything. She had just gotten out of a marriage with a total idiot though, so it made sense at first. But after a while i started to feel as though i was being treated like a child by her, and i had to sit down and talk to her about it because this relationship is supposed to be equal and one person shouldnt be "disciplining" the other.

I am not saying that your relationship is not going to work, but from my experience i know that if you dont sit down and talk it out, even if he gets upset, it will only get worse. If you let him feel like he has power over you then he will continue to force you into situations in which you will feel guilty for something that you shouldn't. He had no right to get upset over the ride early in the morning. You told him, and appologized and offered to find your own way and that should have been the end of it. NO reason for you to feel guilty at all! And the fact that you left your key behind was purley human, i guarantee he's done it to.

On the other hand if it continues, even after talking, it might be a sign that he is controlling, and needs to feel like he has power over someone, and that would be a good sign that it is time to end it.

I know im not that experienced being only 21 but i hope this helps a little :)

Have a wonderful day!