He is Never Home
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| Tue, 11-27-2007 - 9:18pm |
My boyfriend and I moved in together about a month ago. Before we moved in together I lived with my parents and he lived on a military base. We only lived about 15 minutes away from each other and we were never apart. He would even sleep in my parent’s guest bedroom so we could spend time in the mornings together. He basically lived at my parent’s house for a while and they were completely fine with it. Anyway, since we have moved in together he is never home! Even from the first day we moved in together, he would make up excuses to leave the house. I ended up unpacking about 90% of our stuff without him. As soon as he gets home from work at about 3’ o clock, he says something like he’s going fishing with my brother in-law or helping my dad (both of them only live about 10 minutes away) or some other excuse. I was suspicious for awhile but every time I called my dad or my brother in-law he has always been with him, however they are usually just sitting around talking and not doing what he originally told me. I trust him completely and I know he isn’t cheating one me. I have tried to just “tag along” when he goes somewhere, but I’m in college and have to study almost every night on the weekdays and since rent is being paid I would rather stay at home during the weekdays. Also, when ever I say I’m coming with him he gets this disappointed look on his face. He usually comes home at around 10 at night but goes to bed at about 11 after the news. I have talked to him many times about this, I almost cry every time I mention it because I feel so lonely. He spends more time with everyone else and helps them with stuff. I even had to put up “our” 7 foot Christmas tree by myself and I decorated it alone (this was after I asked him to help me for a week in a half till I finally gave up). On average I only get to see him for about 2 hours a day, even on weekends. When this first started happening, we argued a lot, however, now I feel like it’s not worth it since I only see him for a short time everyday. He has changed so much, he was never like this. This has been affecting me in so many ways and I just don’t know how to fix it. Please help.

Wow... I'm sorry. That's got to be a real disappointment for you and I don't blame you. I wish I could tell you what his deal is. I don't know.
It's really not right of him to ignore you. Have you told him how you feel? I think that if he is aware of how you feel about this and how his actions affect you, the next step is to tell him you're moving out. Spending time together shouldn't be a lot to ask, clearly he has enough free time to be going fishing all the time. Maybe he needs a shock to wake him up.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. You said you've talked to him many times about spending more time with you - what does he say in response? You've only been living together for a month and his behavior seems so radically different that it makes me think he's had second thoughts about cohabitation. Perhaps he wasn't really ready for this step, and he's
Welcome to the board misty_poo,
I can see why you are upset.
You said that before you moved in together he was staying at your house alot. Maybe he doesn't like being at home, whereever his home is and always want to be gone.
But this does need to be addressed and resolved. Have you flat out asked him why he feels like he needs to be gone all the time?
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Welcome to the board mitsy_poo,
::He would even sleep in my parent’s guest bedroom so we could spend time in the mornings together. He basically lived at my parent’s house for a while and they were completely fine with it.
::he says something like he’s going fishing with my brother in-law or helping my dad
::
Clearly this man is "not" ready for an intimate relationship. It sounds as though he is more interested in being a part of a family, than in being in a one on one couple relationship. The question is, what are you doing still with him? He's barely around and has deserted you emotionally. It must be painful and understandably so. You don't have to "tag" along with anyone. You have to learn to feel good about yourself, respect yourself and know that there is someone out there who will love and value you for who you are - and who is ready to be in a one on one primary relationship. This guy is not.
Best wishes,
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