Is he a player or sincere?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2007
Is he a player or sincere?
1
Mon, 03-19-2007 - 6:54pm

I am confused as to whether he really loves me and is devoted to making this relationship work. Here is some background information.

I have been in a relationship for 8 months. He was the one that wanted a relationship. My boyfriend was also the first one to say I love you. It took me more time to say it back. But I had to be sure of my feelings and he was very understanding. Now we tell each other all the time how we feel. The first 6 months were great and we spent a lot of time with each other. Our families met and we even spent Christmas Eve together. He even has his mother teaching me how to make his favorite foods. They are from a different country.

But now it seems that things have changed. We are spending less time together and he has broken plans many times in favor for his friends. It is like he has selective memory when it comes to plans he made with me. For example, I worked Valentine's Day and my Birthday. He said we would celebrate both days together on a particular date. He calls me two days before the date and asks when he is going to see me. I told him on the day we had planned. He then told me his friends signed him up for a trip that day and he could not get out of it. We never did make up that date and he later admitted to forgetting about our plans. The upsetting part is he is my first everything. I always remained single for fear of being hurt. I finally give it a try and this is what happens.

He tells me over and over how much he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. But actions speak louder than words and they are not adding up. I recently told him how I felt. He said he is trying. The reason he has been more distant is due to work. Yet he still makes time for his friends. I do my best to give him space. We may see each other 2 times a week. When we are together it is great, even if his friends are around

Part of me believes he really is trying and does love me. I met his family and friends. Why would he invest so much time in me if he was not sincere? On the other hand, the distance, breaking dates and spending more time with his friends has me wondering. His guy friends are single and I become insecure and wonder if he is cheating. My boyfriend does call most of the time when he is out with friends. But even now as I write this question he is away with friends in Florida. He said he would never cheat on me because his ex did it to him. It took him a long time to get over it.

I am just lost and wondering what to do!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Mon, 03-19-2007 - 11:08pm

Hi jacqpot and welcome to the board.

From what you wrote, it sounds as if he likes being with you and having you in his life, but you aren't a priority.

Here's some reading material to consider:

Five Love Languages, Gary Chapman
Relationship Rescue

However, since he's from another country, you could be dealing with cultural differences that will never change. You will have to decide what's best for you.