Is he playing me

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Is he playing me
3
Mon, 06-21-2004 - 11:53am
My husband told me this weekend that due to my health problems and past episodes concerning them, he is afraid to get closer to me and has gone out of his way to distance himself from me. He says that since he was told six years ago during an episode that I would not survive, he has wanted to distance himself from me emotionally so that he would not get hurt if I did die, and now he doesn't feel the same way about me. He says he still loves me and wants to stay married but he doesn't know how to get the feelings back that he used to have for me. My mother-in-law thinks that he is just giving me an excuse to go on playing his games and I need to be strong and make him staighten up his act or tell him to get out. I don't know what to think. If he really does have this issue with my health I can totally understand but I don't know how to help him get over this. Any ideas on this matter would be appreciated!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Mon, 06-21-2004 - 2:18pm
i don't know what health problems and episodes you have - each illness is different - but i do know that some people find it hard to deal with illness and fears of death. talk to your doctor about finding a support group or social worker who specializes in these kind of issues - maybe at your hospital? i'm sure you are not the ONLY couple trying to deal with this.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Mon, 06-21-2004 - 2:38pm
I have Diabetes. About six years ago, while I was pregnant with out daughter, I passed out and slipped into a coma for three days. Apparently the doctors told my husband at that time that I probably would not come out of the coma and that he was going to lose us both. Three days later I woke up and our little girl was fine. He says that he just (consiously or not?) shut himself off from me and set out to put some distance between us. In the last year or so I have had some additional health scares in relation to the Diabetes and it seems that each time something comes up he gets a little more remote. I have discussed this with his mother but she seems to think he is not telling the truth. That he wants to be single again and hasn't been able to "fess up" to it. I think he was sincere in the things he told me and am not willing to put such a confession down to mere theatrics although I know that he learned from the best (his dad). I am just amazingly confused by all of this and a bit frustrated at what seems to be my inability to help. We have talked and talked about this and all I can really say is that I'm doing the things I should for my health and I'm not going to let the diabetes take me. What else can I say? Nothing is certain in life, I am just as likely to get hit by a car or a stray bullet as I am to die today from the diabetes and he knows that. I just don't know how to deal with this fear.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2004
Mon, 06-21-2004 - 3:00pm
It does seem a bit like he may be playing you... though it may not be entirely fair to jump to that opinion from reading this little bit online here. Generally, when things like this come up, it is best to take a step away in some way (like a bike ride, walk, long car ride, shopping trip - alone - maybe even a weekend vacation), and just mull it over slowly, and gradually come up with your "gut instinct" opinion, with no outside influences. Take that opinion, give it a fair shot - whether it is to try to salvage the relationship, or to give him a nice push out of your life - and remember that you can get something good out of any bad that happens - it WILL work out OK in the end. Perhaps this could make the two of you stronger eventually... or perhaps you'll discover that he's a horrid person who does not deserve you, and you can be free to find a man who has the ability to give you the love you deserve.

Also - I think it is fair to ask the person who you're married to for support - NOT distance when something tough comes up. If he can't eventually offer support to you (though six years is a long time to wait for that "eventually" to come about), then he does need to go - it it sometimes easier to be alone than it is to have a partner who becomes a source of additional stress when problems arise. youknowwhatimean?