Is he really clueless or what?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2004
Is he really clueless or what?
3
Fri, 02-27-2004 - 2:30pm
Hi All,

I was hoping maybe you all could shed some light on my situation. My bf and I have been together for about a year and a half. We have a relationship that has gotten so much better with time and when I'm with him I'm truely happy. He does a lot to contribute to my happiness. We spend a lot of time together and he's very affectionate toward me. He makes me dinner often as well as a host of other little and not so little things. My problem is that despite all of this I really don't know where I stand with him and he's not really helping me with that.When I ask him what he wants from this relationship he says he doesn't know. When I ask him where he'd like it to go he says he doesn't know and it seems that he gets really sad about this. The other night we cried together because of the fact that we were discussing these things and I told him that I think he knows but just keeps me around for his own reasons. He said that he feels that I do the same. I told him that he was right but that I felt like we both needed to grow up and make some descisions here. He still said that he didn't know.Does he really not know or is he just buying time?When he's afraid that we're going to break up he starts pulling out all the stops and making plans for future stuff. Not marriage but trips and family functions etc. Then when things are fine between us it's almost as if he never said those things at all. Today he said that he does love me and wants to be with me but if I ask him if he wants a future with me he says he doesn't know. I'm 27 and he's 32. I just really find it hard to believe that he is this clueless. I know he doesn't want to lose me but what else is there? When we are argueing and I tell him that maybe we just aren't meant to be he says no that's not true and says that he thinks we have a chance at a great future and that we are growing together. Then when everythings good and I talk to him about those things he says I don't know. I feel like we're doing a horrible dance.I feel like if I take steps toward him he steps away from me even more. I feel like everything is fine with us as long as I don't talk about the future or wanting more from him.It seems like he's so afraid but he won't talk about it at all. Are these signs that he doesn't want a future with me or is he just afraid? Either way, what does that mean for me?

I'm so confused,


Andreandi

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 02-27-2004 - 3:22pm
To come at this from another perspective...what do YOU want out of this relationship and him?

And the answer is NOT "I want whatever he wants" - that is absolutely not true.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2004
Fri, 02-27-2004 - 3:54pm
No Erin, the answer is definately not "I want whatever he wants". I've told him on several occasions what I want and his reply is always "I understand that" Then when I ask him if he can give me those things or if he's that person he says he doesn't know. I don't know what to do about that. Do I tell him that I think he's lying about not knowing? I want a long term healthy relationship that could possibly lead to marriage one day. If he told me that that was never going to happen or that he didn't want that with me etc. I would take that and act accordingly as far as just moving on with my life and being with someone who wants the same things I want. But since he says he doesn't know and at the same time is trying to make changes and doing things that make me happy and saying that he loves me and does want to be with me it's not so cut and dry.


Andreandi

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 02-27-2004 - 4:39pm
I think you might be just a little afraid to take responsibility for what you want - and getting it.

Ifyou're saying to him, I want marriage one year from the date of cohabitation, and I want kids three years after that.....if you move in with him becuase he says "okay" - you do understand that unless you two both agree to different timeframes without resentment or regret - IT'S YOUR obligation to get up and walk out if he really doesn't want what he said he did.

See, you do know what you want....and I think you're asking him a question he really can't answer if he's coming at this from a "specifics" standpoint.


You're saying - do you love me, do you want a relationship. He says yes - he means it, he does.

You're saying - do you want marriage and kids - he's saying "I don't know".

See, I don't know is an answer...it's just not an answer you want to hear for what it is. The answer is not "I don't know"....it's 'No, not right now".

Notice anything he does for sure want - has a "yes, please" or "yes, absolutely" coming out of his mouth.

"I don't know" is him trying to answer about the future - in the present time. And it's POSSIBLY becuase of how you phrase the question.......and possibly because of what has transpired up to now.

Up to now, you've been specific about what you expect...but you do nothing about walking out if you don't get it. Please read on...this is NOT a game I'm suggesting you play.

But basically, it's nobody's requirement or obligation to become what you want, or give you what you want - so that your needs will be met. It's YOUR obligation to you to affiliate with people that share your values, standards, definitions of a great life and how to achieve it - so that what you want...is what they want...and there isn't disagreement about how to go about getting it overmuch.

At this stage in his life he does NOT want marriage - or else he'd be pursuing it. IT's plain as the nose on your face...and you don't lke that reality.

So you're posing the question in the context of the future - "in one year are you going to want to get married and have kids" and he's answering honestly "I don't know".

Because he oesn't know...he's living in the moment, for the moment, he obviously doesn't have long-term focus and goals - he lives by whatever options or opportunities come along that meet his needs.

One year from now...he might want to get married and have kids, or he might not. He doesn't want to mislead you and say yes....nor does he want to shut off th eoption fro that with you and say "no".

But, it's becuase you're NOT living in the moment you can't see th eproblem for what it is, and who's responsibility it is to deal with it. Everything you're talking about to him is in regard to 'the future' - but you're not living in the future - but in the present time.

If at the present time you want marriage nad he doesn't - then you two don't share values, goals, and priorities in life - you can't change him, shouldn't waste your time with him - and you should move on, wish him well and move on.

But what you've done is invest in "him/this relationship" - so basically you're wanting your investment to pay out...you keep putting more time, energy, effort, sacrifice, tolerance, and work into "him/this"....and "investment" is about the future....so you are asking from an investor's standpoint "do you want to marry someday" - and he's saying "yes" - but now he won't say "when".

The answer is..you live in the here and now - you can work for tomorrow - but you can't put off today's hpappiness to get tomorrow's happiness. You have to find today's joy in working for tomorrow's goal accomplishment (a relationship is NOT a goal, FYI).

So if today you know that you want marriage and kids in one year.....it's up to you to invest your time and effort with someone who shares that goal. So that today there is enjoyment, while the future will bring satifaction and joy.

You're playing a semantics game with him....but I don't think he's doing the same with you.

You're dancing all around the "fact" you don't like - that right now he is not sure what he wants out of life and that you do know that at least you wnat marriage and kids.

Put plainly - you can see where that is polar oppositional positions....there's no compromise in positions of oppositional polarity - there is concession. And with it comes resentment, regret, fear, anxiety and anger.

He doesn't know if he wants to marry and have kids and be in a relationship in the future with you - he can't say yes or no, he doesn't kow what he wants. All he knows is that RIGHT NOW.....it is good with you and what he wants to remain as a status quo.

You do know that youo want to marry/have kids and be in a committed relationship in the future, you do know what you want. And all you're doing is justifying right now trying to get the future you want...and life does NOT work like that.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com