He refuses counseling. What now?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-29-2007
He refuses counseling. What now?
2
Mon, 10-29-2007 - 5:23pm

I have been dating my boyfriend for over 8.5 years, and we have been dating since I was 15 and he was 16. We bought a house together a year and a half ago, but now I'm having regrets. He is a great guy (responsible, smart, and affectionate), but for the past 2 years I have been questioning our relationship due to a few different circumstances.

One of the major things is that we constantly bicker. When we do, he talks to me in a condescending tone and makes me feel small. For example, he likes to bring up that he makes more money than me to defend that I should have no real say where our money goes. Also when we fight, he swears at me, interrupts, doesn't listen, and acts really immature. After so much of this, I feel that I have less and less patience with him and end up losing it and screaming myself. I have to leave the room and calm down to resist the urge to say I want to break up. We try to find solutions, but then they never really work. I told him that I wanted to see a relationship counselor to help us sort out our problems, but he flat out doesn't want to. After some days go by the relationship goes well, and then it will go to heck again, leaving me questioning the relationship again. There are other small things that bother me, like chemistry, mental attraction, snoring, etc. But again, he also does really nice things for me, like back rubs, cuddling, and kisses. I feel like I am in a love-hate relationship with my boyfriend sometimes.

Another thing that has changed is that I don't know what I want to do with my future now that I have finished university. I always wanted to travel overseas to work, but I have put that dream aside because of the relationship (he doesn't want to leave home to live somewhere else). His dream right now is to eventually get married and have kids. I am currently planning a trip to teach English overseas for a short 5-month term, which he is fine with after discussing and planning it with him, but I am worried that I will like it a lot and will want to stay. We've been together for so long that we've been planning our lives around each other, but now I am having second thoughts.

Sometimes I think a good solution would be to live on my own for a while so that money doesn't become an issue and so we don't bicker as much, but then I realize that if we moved back in, things might go back to normal. I am scared to take drastic steps. I don't want to live with regret, yet I don't know if I'd be saying goodbye to someone I've been with for so long. These feelings are driving me crazy! Any ideas of what I can do? Anyone with experience breaking up after a serious relationship? I don't know what the right move is.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Mon, 10-29-2007 - 5:39pm

Welcome to the board scarlet_red1,


My best advice would be to have you go to counseling on your own.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Mon, 10-29-2007 - 7:22pm

"But again, he also does really nice things for me, like back rubs, cuddling, and kisses."
Those things are nice. But they aren't even close to what a strong relationship is built on. That's just physical affection.

"Sometimes I think a good solution would be to live on my own for a while so that money doesn't become an issue and so we don't bicker as much, but then I realize that if we moved back in, things might go back to normal."
I think this is a good idea. You need to assert yourself, both to him and yourself. You bring up a valid concern that things might go back to the way they were if you move back in. But you know what? At least you will have tried, and at least you will have gained experience. There is a lot you can learn from living on your own.

You two have been dating since you were kids. I think it's time to take a step back, and focus on what you want to do with the rest of your life. If you get married to him and commit yourself to being nothing more than a wife and mother before you've lived your own life, then you will always regret having thrown away your dreams for him. If you want to work overseas, you should. Your life is your own, not his; don't give up on yourself.

You have never seriously dated anyone else. It's possible to marry and live happily ever after with your first love, but very rare. I don't necessarily think you should break up - unless he doesn't want you to pursue a life that makes YOU happy.

Talk to him. If he's the right one for you then he'll support your dreams. But the right guy for you will not belittle you or make you feel badly about who you are; a lot of people have been in your shoes and it sometimes takes experience to realize that you deserve better. If he's not willing to accept that he needs to change how he treats you, you shouldn't be with him. Don't let how many years you've spent together dictate whether or not he's right for you, that would be a big mistake.