He said "I need a break"

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2003
He said "I need a break"
18
Mon, 12-08-2003 - 11:18pm
5 weeks ago I met a guy through a friend because he asked if she knew anyone that he could meet? he just wanted to find someone he could spend time with and love. We liked each other alot right away and after the first week, we spent everyday together for the next three weeks. He came on strong from the beginning. Flowers, phone calls, declarations, he came to my house everyday, initiated phone calls several times a day, insisted this was just not infatuation and he wanted to take further steps in developing a relationship. Said he wanted to take care of me, etc. After four weeks we went a a short trip together to visit his family...he became aware of some serious problems with his ex and kids(they were moving with no place to go, unplanned relocation etc.) he still wanted to go on the trip, but it was cut short and he dropped me off at home and said he'd call after he picked up the kids and figured out what was going on. He never called - the next day I went to his house to see if he and the kids wanted to go to breakfast and he wouldn't answer the door or my calls, finally telling me that he was in a really bad mood and didn't want to talk to anyone and that I was making it worse. Since then a week ago, he has told me that he doesn't want to stop the relationship, but it was going too fast, he feel claustrophobic and that he needs space. He says his feelings haven't changed, but he needs a break. He won't answer my calls, but tells me he will call me-I just don't know when that will be. My question is: does he want to break up and just doesn't want to tell me? or should I not contact him at all and let him come back to me - which I might add I have not been successful at doing. Need advice...

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2003
Thu, 12-11-2003 - 9:17pm
yes it bugs me when they say "i need a break". but i guess i can't blame them because spending everyday with a person could be suffocating, and i have said "don't call me for a week" before.

my boyfriend recently realized that he needed a little break. we tried to have one, but it didn't happen, because when we see each other in person, we just can't ignore each other for long. we still acted the same so the "break" went on for a day or two. then i couldn't stand it any longer, because its not a break, its just a pretense... things didn't make sense to me.

finally we ended our old relationship, but since we are in love and couldn't break up, he suggested that we start over. so basically we are giving us a second chance, this time we are not gonna be with each other 24/7 and spoil the excitement.

tonight i had a piano recital. he showed up, and i don't think i've ever appreciated him more. i realized that i can't expect him to do anything. i can only thank him when he does something for me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2003
Thu, 12-11-2003 - 11:59pm
I think that you should tell him how you feel. Exactly what you wrote in your message. Make him listen to at least that and then give him about a week or two to let you know what's going on. It's not fair to you if he keeps you waiting and waiting. If you are really into him, then I would smile and act like it's no big deal to give him space. Make sure that you don't call him more than once or twice after you tell him how you feel. If he really likes you and wants to be with you, he'll come back. Men tend to have a fear of committment and he probably just realized what his future with you could hold. Unfortunately, we as women, must let our men deal with their emotions and fears and wait a little longer for that. Honestly, if you have any type of connection or feelings for this guy, I would say that you need to wait it out. Give him time and space but also communicate how you feel. If he won't return your calls or answer the door, then write him a letter. Good luck, I hope this helps!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-09-2003
Fri, 12-12-2003 - 9:13am
what if he said that he doesn't want to hear from you, see you or anything at all & that he'll be the one to contact you? if you try to contact him, he'll say that he asked for this time to think without you to sort his problems/conflicts & you're bugging him.. what will happen when you finally get the chance to truly talk, what should you do or say? won't it be awkward..?
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2003
Fri, 12-12-2003 - 6:59pm
You don't think that writing a letter (which I've thought of doing) would be interpreted as adding more pressure?
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2003
Fri, 12-12-2003 - 7:09pm
With my situation he has never told me NOT to call him. He just doesn't answer his phone (he has caller id). When i've called him at work he said (and this was last week) that he doesn't want to stop it, he just was feeling claustrophic. He said he doesn't like to feel like that, I said I didn't want him to feel like that - so he said then he needs to take a break but not break it off, both times he said he would call me (seemed like he meant that night after work) but he hasn't. I asked him about somethings in a card he wrote, he told me not to worry about it. He wants it be that when we're together we can just enjoy each other and not have everything be analyzed (which I didn't realize it was being). Then my friend called him last Thursday , he answered that call (must not have recognized the #). He told her same thing. Doesn't want it to end. Wants it be natural when we are together so we can just enjoy each other. Told her he still had all the same feelings for me. However, that last week and he hasn't called or anything. Despite his protestations of feelings not being changed, I would have to be crazy not to doubt it don't you think? Last Wed. I left a long message for him saying I was not a clingy, needy female and I don't like it that somehow I've sort of been turned into that by him saying that I'm smothering him. Said I just don't like not knowing what's going to happen, I can give him time, but the unknown is what's driving me crazy. I asked him to at least call me and let me know something. But I haven't heard from him for two weeks now. Amazing that he came looking for me, wanted me to actually end up in time working with him at his job, asked to take me out the first three days in a row and then after that we just fell into seeing each other everyday. He definitely was the initiator in taking this relationship onto its level. But somehow now he needed time... so my efforts at communicating with him these last two weeks are like talking into a black hole...
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2003
Fri, 12-12-2003 - 9:20pm
I REALLY hate it when people play games...and that's what he's doing.

As much as I feel your frustration, there's nothing you can do. As difficult as it is, I'd try to go out with my friends and have some semblance of a good time. Why sit and pine away for him? The holidays are coming up and I think he's being mean and controlling by not telling you where you stand. He either wants your companionship or he doesn't...but it's not fair that he has you on a string like this.


Edited 12/13/2003 3:52:58 AM ET by bluewrite

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2003
Sat, 12-13-2003 - 11:05am
Sat. morning. - last night 2:30 am I get a call from him. There was a lot of small talk: work, kids, etc. Then he told me everything had been going so fast that he just panicked. He doesn't want me to doubt that he loves me. I said, "How could I not?" He said that is not what he intended - he just basically got scared about how fast everything was going. Then he said he was going to call me earlier in the evening just to see if I wanted to watch a movie or something. I said, Why didn't you? He just said I don't know.... He said I wish I could see you now, I said, (I know this is dumb of me) OK I would. So I got up and dressed and went to his house, of course by then he had fallen asleep. which in a way was good, because I wasn't caught up in any big declarations or gestures. It gave me a chance to analyze my feelings of being with him again, without being swept up in emotion from him. And I wasn't deliriously overcome by emotion just because I was back in his company. For all I know he may not call again, maybe he just needed a "quick fix" and that's it. Anyway, I ended up falling asleep on couch, and I said I had to leave and he said he had to help his mom do something (he was actually late, but he didn't say he had to leave until after I said it first). Then a quick kiss goodbye and he said I'll talk to you later.... I played it very cool.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-09-2003
Sat, 12-13-2003 - 1:29pm
it's funny how i feel it's me talking while i read your 2nd to the last post especially when you said "Said I just don't like not knowing what's going to happen, I can give him time, but the unknown is what's driving me crazy." it's been a week since we had contact & i weakened & ended up calling him too. when he picked up, i couldn't help but cry. because like you, it's been driving me absolutely crazy i didn't know what was really happening with him & the fact he didn't call or something even to say "hi" or "how are you". i didn't expect to completely solve our problems. i told him we'll take it step by step. he admitted he thinks it's him who has problems & wants "time & space" alone because he wanted to realize things for himself. not with the help of his family, friends, & especially not from me. i told him i kept on wondering that on the onset of a thing that's bothering him, why couldn't he just tell me? if we did, we wouldn't have to go through all this. i'm glad you guys are talking (& seeing) each other again. we're going to see each other tomorrow & talk.. i'm going to tell him that it's really important to talk things through, not just forget it & pretend it didn't happen. i hope this doesn't happen to you.. i'd love to see what will happen with you guys.. goodluck for now..

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