He says he'll change, but I'm not sure..

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2003
He says he'll change, but I'm not sure..
2
Wed, 06-16-2004 - 8:24pm
Hi everyone,

About a week and a half ago I told my boyfriend of nine months that I needed some space because, although I love him very much and have been satisfied with our relationship in many ways, I've begun to feel that he is immature, not planning for our future, verbally abusive at times, and I just don't trust him completely. He was very upset and angry when I said I needed space, but finally told me to take my time. For about a week I thought about the relationship, weighed the pros and cons, and realized I really did want to try to work things out (with cooperation from him, of course, and a willingness to change on hiis part). I left him a message Saturday night saying this and told him to call me when he could be rational about things and we could talk.

Well, I didn't hear from him until last night. For the three intervening days, I had no idea if he was depressed, angry at me, or really thinking things through as I'd asked him to. I began to feel like maybe he wasn't going to contact me and that I should just move on. I began to think maybe I really wanted to move on. Then he called. As it turns out, he's been thinking seriously about the relationship and told me all the things he's willing to do to change (like seeing his therapist once a week instead of twice a month, seeing a couples counselor, cutting down on his social activities, etc., managing his money better, etc.). He says he is doing this for himself as well as the relationship.

The problem is, I now feel more confused than ever, because I know what a long way he has to go in terms of working out his problems. I'm really glad he is taking this seriously, but I'm afraid it's just going to be such a long haul it will prevent me from feeling positive about my life. I'm 33 years old and don't feel I have years to devote to waiting for him to "get better."

Nevertheless, I do really love him and know he really loves me. Overall I've been quite happy in this relationship and have never even thought of "looking around" for someone else while I was with him because he made me feel so happy.

What does anyone think about this? Is it possible for someone to make a good effort toward change in a short amount of time? Should I give it a few months and see what happens, or just move on now?

I'd really appreciate any advice! Thanks!

toriphile322

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-16-2004 - 9:10pm
I'd tell you to take the advice of 12-step programs everywhere. HEre's why.

People do what they do because they want to do it. Their values and priorities justify and entitle their actions, feelings, thoughts, decisions, words, ideas, and desires. Those same values determine in all situations their character, conscience, integrity and honor.

So at all times, we're all doing what we want to do, what our reasoning says is correct to do, to get the results we're trying to achieve via actons our values justify us taking and having no regret about doing it.

So...when someone wants to "change who they are" - what they do is undergo a "values, priorities, standards, ethics, principles change"...that requires them to take different actions ot the same situations because they have higher standards and different goals than they had before.

Initially, about the first year...that process of doing what "feels wrong" based on our previous reasoning patterns and emotional associations makes us very uncertain, unsure, sometimes anxious and at minimum......in a position where we, nor should anybody else, ever begin a "serious" liason.

That change involves the person not being who they are...so that they're not always monitoring behavior, and "changing to please you while resenting you for making them do what they don't want" - only to lash out later.

So in AA, NA, CoDA and Al-Anon......you're told that if someone says they want to "stop being who I am"......that they should be given a year. If you want to continue the relationship as it now is - not moving it any further towards commitment, in fact stepping back quite a bit FROM whatever commitment you've verbally agreed to....that's the best plan of action.

Because the person you WERE in a relationship with is undergoing a values change and they're going to be a totally different person -with a totally different set of values, priorities and standards than they were when you "committed to them, and that they wanted what you did and that is why this worked."

And what they once valued and prioritized -as they become more self-aware, self-responsible, self-respecting, and self-complete - are going to change. Because instead fo looking to you for security in an alliance, so always looking to please or placate you with their actions...they're going to determine for the first time who they are, what they stand for, where they're headed and how they're going to get there. That change often means that you two are now on totally different paths, pursuing totally different goals, ecuase you've got totally different priorities due ot totally different needs. And you're not relying on this person to "make you happy, successful, and secure" because nobody but you can do that for you - and you can't do that for yourself until you define those entities for yourself outside of situations, relationships, possessions, and positions and achieve and maintain it in your life.

So, the guy is saying based on the threat of being without the benefit, ease, comfort, alliance, convenience, and assurance of you in his life and all the benefits that offers him - that he wants to change.

It's good taht he says he wants to do it for himself and not you...he's not doing this to sustain the relationship. If that's correct on his part...then "saving this relationship" won't be his priority when he determines his values and priorities and standards and goals and starts living up to his own expectations, nd being his own complete identity and self-reliant source of emotional stability.

It won't "not" be a priority - but he won't prioritze making himself into someone who you want, need, admire and respect...more than he prioritizes making himiself into someone that HE admires, respects, accepts, and understands...which might not be someone you share that outlook with at all.

So, if you want to stay thru the change...go ahead, step way back. It doesn't mean step back externally as in "quit having sex because that means we're not committed" - it means step back emotionally and stop considering this person as partnership potential....because who he is now is going to radically change - if he really does undergo self-actualization.

And if you step back, see each other less, go back to a more formal dating format - which probably will still include sex...but with both of you being emotionally reliant on yourself to be mature, secure, successful, complete and happy rather than "working for this relationship to work so that you'll be those things......you might find that he changes, you not only approve but are delighted, but YOU have to undergo so major changes becuase he's less reliant, needy, and subservient with you...and he's more independent and compelte and that isn't exactly the person that you've ever had in your life and you're not sure how you feel or what you think about not being "his central focus".

So, if you're looking at this in terms of a guarantee....this is the "worst scenario" to try to formulate any type of guarantee potental there is. The guy mght not change on the fundamental level...you might get actions, decisions and words that are an act scripted to impress and please you, get him back into your life per his previously benefitting state - and slowly "revert" because he made no values changes and thus his previous actions were all an act designed to get him waht he wants...a live with you as it was...not how you want and need it to be.

This guy might change....and if you don't, the statistical numbers say that you two won't stay together. Most people in recovery in 12-step end up at some point leaving the partner that "stood by them" - because the partner didn't change, grow, mature, and become self-responsible and self-aware as well and being with someone who is like they were as an addict or codepedent is "holding the back from fulfilling their potential"...and the result is sometimes the enabler becomes the addict!

And the guy might change, you might change...and still you'd have to start over to get ot know one another as "complete" individuals all over again - to date from a more balanced perception.

Because dating is not about impressing, pleasing, placating and posturing to get someone to want you in their life because you view them in your life as being such as an asset, such a valuable and necessary commodity. Lots of people think that's dating...but that's codependent dating or dysfunctional infatuation!

Dating is when you're you all the time, with your best foot forward, but never ocmpromising your needs or your potential, always communicatig honestly and ensureing that as much time as you spend "making sure they enjoy you"...you make sure that you evaluate their actions, decisions and words so that you can determine their values and character so that you can determine if they meet your STANDARDS and can meet your needs if that is mutually agreed to. That's dating...hardly anybody really does it!

Most people "relationship"...they date osmeone and find the sexual attraction delightful, and the find infatuation exhilarating in the heat ofthe emotionally driven infatuation period they start talking in waht they think is specifics but is really generalities about "what I want in my life"...and they assume that this person is talking with them about a future, because they might be considered for inclusion! And from that second....there is no more "dating"...there is "working for the future"....where you stop assessing if they share your values, your interests, if they meet your needs appropriately, if they live up to your standards by their own self-requirement...and you just constantly work to maketheir life easier, more comfortable, to make them feel loved and cherished and secure...so that the future you want and that you think they've discussed - you get with them.

Think about it...is that how you ended up this relationship. That you didn't really "date"...that you fell into the relationship and got emotionally invested and committed in the entity of the relationship and hwat it would bring to your life without knowing if his values and his character met your needs and standards...and the more invested you got in your dreams and in him, the more you want the investment ot pay out - so you're tolerating what you consider inappriropate behavior, and you've taken yourself down apths you NEVER thought you'd walk...trying to keep this relationship out of the dumper.....to get your investment to pay out...to make your dreams come true...and you've lost sight of the reality that nobody but you can make your dreams come true, a relationship isn't agoal and doesn't make you waht you're not, and if you have a partner that doesn't share your values, standards, and perception of life....you're in for nothing but misery and heartache.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2003
Wed, 06-16-2004 - 10:38pm
Thanks, Erin, for this wonderful and thorough response -- and I hope you are writing a book!

You are right, there are certainly no guarantees here. And you are also right, if he truly undergoes self-actualization, he may well find -- and I may find -- that we are not right for each other when he really knows who he is. And I think that is my precise problem with him -- he DOESN'T really know who he is.

I realize that, to use your terms, while I was "dating" in the beginning, he "relationshipped" -- very quickly seemed to decide that I was "the one" for him, and I got swept up in it because it felt so good to be "loved" this way. And yes, I have found myself accepting things I would never have thought I would accept because I want my "investment" to pay off.

You hit the nail on the head. I printed out your response so I can reread it -- hope you don't mind.

Thank you so much!

toriphile322