He says I'm too fat to have sex with
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He says I'm too fat to have sex with
| Mon, 02-16-2004 - 11:12am |
I'm new to these boards and don't quite know where to start. I'm having major relationship problems with my DH. I'm not sure if we can get through this. He basically thinks I'm too fat to have sex with. I'm disgusting and I make him angry because I'm being so lazy about my health. I've gained 15 pounds in 7 years of marriage, with the birth of our 2 kids and I am now a size 12. He's gained 20 some pounds, but that's OK for men. I'm trying to lose weight. In fact I've lost 6 pounds since New Years, but as most of you know, it's not easy. I feel I can't have sex with him anymore because to get naked in front of him is opening myself up to ridicule. I definately don't feel sexy or pretty with him. I feel like he's only doing it because he either feels quilty or out of his need to "get off". Now he's mad because I never initiate sex. How could I? I'd at least have to feel desirable to do that. He says he loves me still, and I know he does, I just worry that he loves me as family, and not a lover. How long can either of us go before we start looking elsewhere for what we're not getting in our marriage? I'm very much in love with him and I want him to be happy. I deserve to be happy too. I need someone to talk to. I feel so incredibly alone!!! I spend everyday trying not to cry, then I go to bed alone.

im new at this too. the only advice i can give to you is talk to him. i have felt the same way you do befor. to be naked infront of the guy you love is extreamy scary i know. i feel your pain. but talk to him, your married so everything you have is together. by not talking things like this through you might push him away. i wouldnt wish the sadness you have on anyone, so to clear things up get it out there in the open. as bad as this is talking to other people wont solve your problem. talk to him. :)
Also, I would recommend a book called BodyLove. I am reading it now, because of my own self image issues. I would also recommend that your DH read it. My BF has always had an empathetic nature as to what we, as women, are up against as far as the inner demons and the outer demons. But reading parts of this book has made him even more aware of where our issues have come from.
Pam
Pam
The choices we make in thought, word and deed inevitably return to us in kind.
I was wondering what other issues do you have in the marriage? there seems to be a lot of anger there, and control issues. what else is going on?
for your husband to say things like that to you is plain disrespectful. you are not fat by any stretch of the imagination. and you say that you already lost 6 pounds in 6 weeks? that is alot and you should be proud of yourself, HE should be proud of you too and he continues to belittle you.
were there sexual problems before this?
My friend, your DH is a jerk. The reason you need to get back in shape is not to get him in your bed again, but to gain confidence in yourself, which you don't have (thanks to him!).
Think about it this way: your body is the body that carried and nourished your kids. If this isn't a good reason to love and care for it, I don't know what it is.
Get a subscription to a magazine such as Shape or Self, or Fitness. They have plenty of tips for busy moms, easy to follow nutrition advice, and tips to boost your self-confidence (and no, they don't pay me, LOL). While I wish they had less models and more real-life women, most exercise programs they suggest are easy to do at home (with a few free weights, or elastic bands). Buy exercise videotapes. Start cooking lighter. If hubby wants greasy food, tell him to go get it at KFC or McDonald's. It will be better for your kids too.
Get in a support group for weight loss, so that you'll get the appreciation you deserve for your decision to get and stay healthy, instead of ridicule for gaining weight.
Then, start putting your foot down. Tell your DH to watch himself in the mirror before he dares say one single word about you. Remember: you are a great, worthy human being, and if he does not respect you for that, *he* is not worthy of you. While I would approve of his encouraging you to healthier habits, it is utterly unacceptable that he thinks it's OK to berate you and make fun of your body. he is not being a good husband, and you need to demand the respect that is due.
You go to bed alone? Good. Instead of crying yourself to sleep, start reading. Self-help, if it's good for you. Fun novels. Crime novels. History. Get a yoga book, and start meditating. Enjoy the time you can devote to yourself.
Good luck with everything. Please, start taking action, FOR YOURSELF and your kids, not to get the jerk in your bed. And when he will be begging you for sex, make sure you make him pay. Tell him he has to win you back.
Let us know.
I think you should be quite frank with him and tell him that he has made you feel undesirable and unloved and that his behavior has killed your desire for him. You should ask him why he feels that he is justified in treating you this way, and ask him what is really going on with him. You should also seek couples counseling, especially if he refuses to give you straight answers, open the lines of communication, discuss ways to improve your marriage, and stop treating you badly.
I felt your sadness when I read your post. I read a one line joke recently that came to mind when you mentioned that your husband has gained 20 pounds, but that's okay for MEN. The joke rang true for me and made me laugh. Hope it makes you chuckle a bit too because I think you need a little laughter today. "Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are attractive to the opposite sex."
Listen, your self-esteem is what matters. Don't let anyone fool you into changing your appearance.
My jerk ex ALMOST had me convinced to get breast implants because he said mine were way too tiny. I realized later that he was full of crap and was so lost in his own misery and low self-esteem that he was trying to do whatever he could to drag me straight to the bottom. It's an energy struggle. They feed from you to gain personal power.
Good Luck, and you are a woman and therefore are beautiful, I don't care what you weigh.
Sarah