He Says She's JUST a Friend
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| Thu, 08-05-2004 - 3:39pm |
I'm hoping for some unbiased, outside input, so here it goes....
I just started dating a guy who's wonderful. On our first date he told me about a women who he goes rock climbing with. "We're just friends." No biggy. Friends of the opposite sex I can tolerate. Later he tells me that they have lunch together every week. They go rock climbing together every week. They go work out at the gym every week. And more recently he's told me that they've been best friends for two years now, and that they also travel together. Granted, he's been honest with me about this. During dinner I asked him, "So, why aren't you together with this gal who you go rock climbing with? Is it just that you're not attracted to her?" He responded with, "Oh no...that's not it at all. I just don't think that she's interested in me." She supposedly has a boyfriend in CA (we live in Oregon), so I then said, "Does her boyfriend know that you guys spend so much time together?" He said, "You know, I'm not sure whether he knows or not."
I later admitted that this bothered me. Let's face it. It's like she's his girlfriend, even though he says that he's not been intimate with her. So I explained how I was feeling. Suddenly his story changes a bit. "Trina, you're mistaken. Our friendship isn't like that. I'm not attracted to her in that way, and her boyfriend knows about me." Huh? Gee, doesn't that sound a bit different from what he said the first time? When he realized I was bothered by it, his story changed and he down played it, totally contradicting what he'd first said...when I think he was being more honest.
Is it just me, or does it seem a bit odd to expect me, an old fashioned person, to accept this? Again, having friends of the opposite sex, sure. But best friends that he does everything under the sun on a weekly basis with? And he acts like he'd want a very serious relationship with me if it worked out. Making it clear to me upfront that she's his quote "best friend" tells me (or any other intelligent individual) that I must be prepared to accept it. Right?
How would you feel if you were in my shoes? Any comments would be greatly appreciated! =)
Thanks.
T~

Pianoguy can see this issue from both sides.
Your b/f MAY just enjoy this woman's company as a friend...because they have similar interests. There ARE men and women out there who can converse with each other, have dinner together, share hobbies and interests, and still stay out of the bedroom! Although I must admit the "travel part" between them would bother me a little--she MIGHT be "his best friend!"
In your situation...he has pretty much indicated that you can "accept things the way they've been" without changes. Unfortunately...you want HIM to change....from his best friend to YOU?
Just curious, but if YOU took a 30-day break from this man...and left yourself open to dating others...do think he would make the effort to modify his...err..."interactive pursuits" with the other woman?
Pianoguy
I understand your confusion and also understand that there are such relationships as (just friends) I am a female who has male friends and my (now) ex-BF had lots of girlfriends. I never thought anything wrong, because things were put out in the open from the very beginning. However, my ex never spent and excesive amount of time with these girlfriends. Most of the time it was just phone conversation and maybee seeing a particular friend once in awhile. As for me, I spend alot of time with one of my male friends (he's my bestfriend), because I knew him since we were kids and he is like a brother to me. But when it came down to being with my boyfriend or my bestfriend, I chose my boyfriend (as it should be). One thing that concerned me in your message board posting was the fact that your man said; it wasn't that he didn't find her attractive, its just she's not interested in me. What the heck is that comment? So what.....he sticks around with her, hoping to have something more? I bet you that if his friend showed an interest in him; he would jump at the chance to be with her. There are men that become friends with a woman, they know they can't have or think they can eventually; so they can just be around that woman. I also think that if your his mate, he should be focusing all his attention on you. How long have you been going out with him? thats another factor. If he wants to spend time with his bestfriend, fine......but it should not be so much, if he has another important obligation such as yourself. Mate FIRST! Bestfriend SECOND! Also, the down playing of the story he told you, doesn't cut it. Put him to the test! Don't ever accept anything that you don't want to or like. In the long run, it will just eat at you like an ulcer and cause alot of harsh feelings; if you just swallow it down and accept something you don't feel right about. One more thing before I go.....has he introduced you to her yet? If not then thats a problem too! Just go with your heart and don't let anyone step all over you.
It's awesome that you have a male friend that you've known for so long. And it's great that he's one of your best friends.
Take care,
Trina
=)