He sleeps on the couch bc he says my bed hurts his back

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2013
He sleeps on the couch bc he says my bed hurts his back
Tue, 11-19-2013 - 4:10pm

My boyfriend of 6 months sleeps on the couch and not in the bed with me. He says it's bc my bed hurts his back and the couch is more comfortable. I might sleep with him on the couch 1 night a week. But he usually says he's hot and doesn't want me to sleep close to him. It really hurts my feelings that we sleep in seperate places. We barely see each other during the day and have 3 kids between us so we rarely have any alone time. When I tell him my feelings about this issue, he doesn't give it much thought and says I need to deal with it. That maybe if we get a different bed he'll start sleeping with me again. We've only been living together for 4 months and 2.5 of those months he's slept on the couch. He can go days with cuddling or having much physical contact with me. Where as I love to give and get affection. It makes me feel unwanted and I do not like feeling this way. I don't know what to do? Should I just get used to sleeping alone?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010

What is good about this guy and the relationship? He doesn't pay much attention when you tell him your problems, he tells you to just deal with it even though its a problem concerning behavior that he could change, he doesn't like to be affectionate even though that's important to you, and he doesn't sleep with you or make much effort to find alone time with you. It sounds like a relationship of (his) convenience to me.

You didn't ask about this but I'll throw it out there anyway: do you think that you and he jumped the gun on moving in together? You'd only been dating for a couple of months. It often takes 6 months or more to see the different sides of a person to know if you are right for each other. I'm wondering if he's not into the relationship anymore but he can't afford to get another place, or its just convenient to stay there (especially if you do the cooking and cleaning), or he doesn't want to be the bad guy who says the relationship isn't working so he's waiting for you to get fed up and kick him out.

What to do? Figure out if you two should even be together. If he's not willing to talk about your concerns and really listen and be willing to deal with his part in them, then things will never get better. And then you will be sleeping alone but he won't even be on the couch.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013

In my opinion, you should know someone at least a year before moving in together. As you see, you've found out things about him that you don't like, and now it'll be harder to break up when you're co-habiting. Children don't need people entering and then quickly exiting out of their lives. Kids shouldn't even meet the parents date until things look serious, and that usually takes a minimum of 4-6 months. When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time. He's not affectionate. You can't be happy without affection. You two aren't compatible. If being close was important to him, he'd tell you he'd chip in for a new mattress. Choosing a lifetime partner is one of the most important things you'll ever do. Learn from your mistakes. You jumped into this cohabitation too quickly. Break up with him. Make a must haves and dealbreakers list on the traits a man in your life must have, and stick to it. Keep cutting men loose who don't make the grade. That's the secret to happiness.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009

I so agree with the others.  Yes, you should get used to sleeping alone.......and get rid of the jerk sleeping on your couch.  You knew him two months, and allowed him to move in with you?  You didn't know him at all at that point, but you're now learning what he's like.  He doesn't want to sleep with you!  Your mattress hurts his back.  And if you try to join him on the couch, he's too hot?  I'm assuming you're talking about sex, or the lack of it.  This man has told you point blank......if you don't like it, DEAL WITH IT.  You need to deal him out of your life!  You have a child or children living there too?  They don't need men coming in and out of their life.  You don't invite a man you've known two months into your home!  You don't even KNOW someone after only two months.....and you don't know them completely even after a year.  It sound like he's looking for a place to sleep......and it's NOT with you.

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010

  i question some things but agree that the wrong bed can be painful!  Some people do not sleep well with others.  But it seems like this is an emotional mis-match.  You crave more touch than he is able to give.  Nothing wrong with either just a mismatch.


Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006

Hi Beauty,

I am not going to make this about right or wrong.  Here you are, so now what do you do? 

The sleeping on the couch all by itself isn't necessarily uncommon.  My DH has a horrible time sleeping and it is not uncommon for him to end up on the couch.  I also know others who snore, and sleep seperately. 

However, I am talking about sleeping separately and everything else being fine.  What is more concerning is his "deal with it" attitude.  Now, we weren't there, so we don't know his demeanor or tone. 

With out telling you what to do, let me ask you this.  What else is good in this R?  Does he feel like a roomate?  Is he willing to pitch in for a new mattress, or at a minimum saying "hey, I can't really afford one, but lets see what we can figure out?"  What were the circumstances of him moving in with you?  If he needed a place to stay, he may just feel this was convienent.  Did you two really truly make a decision of "I love you and want to live with you."  Did you maybe offer up your place too soon because you needed to split the costs with someone?

Just some things to ask yourself. 

Follow your gut.  Hugs...