he is still on a dating site????

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2004
he is still on a dating site????
6
Thu, 09-09-2004 - 5:21pm
I need some feed back here.... I have been dating this wonderful guy that I met on match.com four months now. No one is more shocked or surprised than me to find that I actually found someone who has all the things I was looking for in a guy and is actually good looking and intelligent to boot!!! There is real chemistry between us and the relationship has definitely developed fairly quickly but in a really nice and comfortable way.

He took me to a family gathering about a month ago and introduced me to his family, which I think took the relationship to a whole new level. He says he really cares for me and is liking the way we connect and we have these really long soulful conversations about what we both want out of life and a relationship. I definitely think we are both on the same page and I would like to continue on the way it is going. I was not looking for this kind of relationship by the way, I just wanted someone to have a laugh with and maybe catch a movie or dinner. I am tired of the world "Soulmate"! so this just took me way off balance!

We have planned a trip to the Napa Valley together in Nov. and he said he is just looking forward to being there with someone he really enjoys being with...

Soooo this is what I don't get???? He is till registered on Match.com, he took his picture off after we started dating and he asked me if I was still on there? I told him that I took my entire profile off when I discovered our relationship was actually going somewhere. He however is still up there advertized as a single guy still cruising for a date. Of course I don't know if he is active on the site and when I asked him about it he said that he got a couple of e-mails from some women but he just never responded.

I really think the time has come for him to resign from this dating site until he or I decide that this relationship isn't what we really thought it was or it doesn't work out for what ever reason. At this point I feel the relationship has a lot of potential to continue to grow deeper but should I insist he remove his profile or should I just ignore it and trust that he is not using it? Why would he pay the subscription unless he thinks that he is going to use it??? I am confused. I don't want to over react here and I don't want to seem insecure but it is still early days and to be honest I am insecure and this whole issue is not helping me....Any suggestions anyone????

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-09-2004 - 6:02pm
Unless and until you specifically discuss and agree to dating each other exclusively (which it does not sound like you have), he is perfectly within his rights to have an ad up and to date other people for that matter. If exclusivity is important to you, then you should discuss it with him, and include a specific discussion of taking his profile down. I personally am not comfortable dating someone exclusively who continues to have an ad up, so it's why I make a point of discussing that issue.

I was confused by one thing in your post though...having an ad up on match doesn't mean he is paying for a subscription.

Also, I would caution you against thinking that him introducing you to his family *necessarily* means anything. Some people think nothing of introducing people they are dating (even casually) to their families. You can't assume anything.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2004
Thu, 09-09-2004 - 6:32pm
Sheri

Thank you for your reply. Yes I agree that family intro's don't nessessarily mean anything. In fact I have introduces many guys to my family I had no intention of getting serious with. But this seemed different. It is really hard to be objective when your emotions are involved, so I try not to read too much into anything but like I said after that gathering (his mother's 80th birthday) things seemed to get more intense.

I happen to know he is still subscribed and paying money for the service. Inside information.... not snooping but just happen to know for a fact.

So how so I approach this conversation without seeming possessive and jelouse and insecure. We have definitely discussed being exclusive and he said in plain English that he would not consider continuing in this relationship if I were still interested in dating other men...he said it first ...not me! I was happy about that because for the first time in a long time I felt he was someone I wanted to be with exclusively. I thought at that point he would remove his profile...but he didn't.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-09-2004 - 6:37pm
Well, frankly, I wouldn't worry about coming across as insecure and jealous, because in my eyes, what he's doing is at best inconsistent with what he's told you and at worst, dishonest. I think he owes you an explanation. So I would just calmly ask him, "if we've agreed we aren't dating other people, why do you still have your ad up on match? To me, that's inconsistent with dating exclusively and it makes me uncomfortable." Then see what he says.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-09-2004 - 8:52pm
I agree with Sheri in that you need to ask clearly and specifically for what you want. No beating around the bush and no leading statements such as "If you really liked me you would ...." . Come clean with what you want, need and expect. Also accept the fact that any expectation you place on him - you are also obligated to honor on your side.

I don't know the workings of match.com or how memberships or sunscriptions work. Would you have to be logged on and browsing the site to see if he was still active? If so, were you checking up on him or perhaps even curious as to what else is out there? I don't know if that also needs to be included in your discussions with him.

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 09-10-2004 - 11:25am

Don't insist on anything. The relationship is going beautifully and if you show your lack of trust in him this will not be good. If you are insecure, work on that. Don't place it on him. Deal with your own sense of self worth and deservingness of this relationship. When we are suddenly in a relationship that matters, many feelings of vulnerability arise. This is to be expected. Rather than turn these feelings into a desire to control your partner (and thereby push him away), face them head on and use this opportunity to grow in your respect for yourself. There are many books, workshops and counsellors who deal with self esteem and trust. Focus on this rather than the fact that he is still listed - (albeit without a photo). And, remember he also told you that he did not answer the inquiries. Trust him and leave it at that. Things are still quite new between the two of you. Let them develop naturally without lots of complaints and demands.


Best wishes.

Avatar for blondie0506
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 09-10-2004 - 8:16pm
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You used the word "seem" twice. You can't go by what seems to be. Get it straight from him!

As far as exclusivity goes, he said he wouldn't date you if you were dating others. You didn't say he said HE wasn't dating others.

I think you should just come out and say "I know you said you wouldn't date me if I were dating others, are you saying that you'd like us to be mutually exclusive then? because that's what I'd like." If he says yes, you're mutually exclusive, you can just ask then if he will then take down his profile from match.com. You may have some explaining to do though about how you know it's still there...either you were browsing (why go there if you're not looking for dates?) or checking up on him. Since he told you that he got a couple of e-mails from women, you might just say "oh, I thought we agreed we would take our profiles off since we're not dating others".

If you don't the answers you want, think twice about how different things really are this time. Be careful until you really know him...which won't happen for 6 to 12 months or so.