He thinks I want to be more important than his son

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2009
He thinks I want to be more important than his son
7
Mon, 04-08-2013 - 8:54pm

My bf and I have been together off and on for 7 years. Most of the breakups were due to his cheating or not working. Two years ago he moved out to live with his sister since I was tired of taking care of him. Four months after he moved out he told me he told me he had fathered a child and the baby was two months old! I could not believe what I was hearing. I immediately ended things but he kept calling and begging me to stay with him and work things out. Over time that is what I decided to do mainly because I did not want any more kids and felt that we would have broken up over it one day anyway. I felt that now that he had a child, we crossed that hurdle. He eventually got a job and his own place, but he lives two hours away. On top of that he never speaks to his son or his son's mother when I am around which makes me feel that he has something to hide. He also has never introduced me to his son and he is now two. Recently, I asked if he wanted to go away for his birthday, he said no that if he went anywhere he would take his son on a trip. I couldn't understand that since he is in no position to take his son anywhere and here I was offering to take him away for his birthday. The other day he was in a bad mood and said the only thing in his life that makes him happy is his son. I felt hurt, but I didn't say anything. Now the other day he didn't pay his cell phone on time and it was cut off for two days.  He implied that I should have paid it for him and followed that with the only reason he paid the bill is so that he could be in contact with his son. That upset me and I said if that's the case his son should have paid the bill! He accused me of being selfish and wanting to be more important to him than his son and made it clear that that will never be the case. I couldn't believe he accused me of that. I have a son that I love dearly, but I have never made a comment to him regarding my son being a priority over him. I don't think that needs to be said. Since he clearly wants to draw a line between me and his son, I feel a negative dynamic building and think it is best to end this relationship. We have not spoken since the arguement but if there is one thing that I've learned over these 7 years is that he always calls to work things out. I feel that he is being very insensitive and mean towards me. But I wanted to see if anyone felt that I was being selfish.

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012

simplyme2009 wrote:
<p>My bf and I have been together off and on for 7 years. Most of the breakups were due to his cheating or not working. Two years ago he moved out to live with his sister since I was tired of taking care of him. Four months after he moved out he told me he told me he had fathered a child and the baby was two months old! I could not believe what I was hearing. I immediately ended things but he kept calling and begging me to stay with him and work things out. Over time that is what I decided to do mainly because I did not want any more kids and felt that we would have broken up over it one day anyway. I felt that now that he had a child, we crossed that hurdle. He eventually got a job and his own place, but he lives two hours away. On top of that he never speaks to his son or his son's mother when I am around which makes me feel that he has something to hide. He also has never introduced me to his son and he is now two. Recently, I asked if he wanted to go away for his birthday, he said no that if he went anywhere he would take his son on a trip. I couldn't understand that since he is in no position to take his son anywhere and here I was offering to take him away for his birthday. The other day he was in a bad mood and said the only thing in his life that makes him happy is his son. I felt hurt, but I didn't say anything. Now the other day he didn't pay his cell phone on time and it was cut off for two days.  He implied that I should have paid it for him and followed that with the only reason he paid the bill is so that he could be in contact with his son. That upset me and I said if that's the case his son should have paid the bill! He accused me of being selfish and wanting to be more important to him than his son and made it clear that that will never be the case. I couldn't believe he accused me of that. I have a son that I love dearly, but I have never made a comment to him regarding my son being a priority over him. I don't think that needs to be said. Since he clearly wants to draw a line between me and his son, I feel a negative dynamic building and think it is best to end this relationship. We have not spoken since the arguement but if there is one thing that I've learned over these 7 years is that he always calls to work things out. I feel that he is being very insensitive and mean towards me. But I wanted to see if anyone felt that I was being selfish. </p>

I don't think you're being selfish, but I do think the the shelf life of this relationship is past it time.  The "off" again needs to stay off.

From what you've written, he has pretty much demonstrated that he was no where near being in the universe of being responsible: he cheated, didn't work, had unprotected sex and fathered a child out of wedlock.  I really fail to see anything attractive about him in your post.

Having said that, though, it seems that he is bonded with the child, like he should, which may be what will make him turn the corner onto Responsible Street.  Like it or not, his world now revolves around that boy and the child should come before a girlfriend, just like your son comes before any man you get with other than the one you marry. If you choose to remain with him, then you will also need to accept that you are not #1 on his priority list for the forseeable future. His son and his son's welfare occupy the first two priority slots---and his son's welfare includes the boy's mother as the child is still quite young.

 I do think it was way out of line for you to say to him that he should have his child pay for his cell phone bill. Yes, I get it that you were provoked by what he said, but attacking the child is off limits. Perhaps he was getting the vibe from you that you weren't honoring his duty to that child and that's why he's made himself crystal clear on where you stand with him.

I think ending the relationship would be in your best interests and the best interests of the child. He needs to focus on being a parent and you need someone who's got his life far more together than this guy.  He should not be taking a dime from you for anything--nor should he have an expectation of you paying his bills if he's calling himself a grown man who can do whatever it is he wants to do. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2010
Tue, 04-09-2013 - 10:40am

You have been together for 7 years.
He has a history of cheating.
He has a history of being unemployed.
He had a baby that he didn't bother to tell you about until he was 2 months old.
He won't introduce you to his son.
He is irresponsible and has no problem shifting the blame your way (YOU are supposed to pay HIS bills?)
And YOU are the selfish one?

Why do you want to spend your time with a person like this?  Don't you think you deserve better? 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010

Why exactly did he say you were selfish? Because you wouldn't pay HIS cell phone bill? No, you were not being selfish there IMO. His bills are his responsibility. Saying that his 2 year old should have paid the bill was obviously ridiculous and sarcastic; like another poster said, don't blame the child for this mess. He didn't ask to be brought into it or to have a father who is a flake. The only good thing that you said about this man is that he is trying to take parental responsibility for his child. Also you should question if the reason he does not introduce you to his child is because he does not consider you to have a significant permanent role in his life. I wonder why you have stayed with him this long and why you would consider continuing with him, based on the history?

Since you are also a parent you realize that this man has at least another 16 years of parenting ahead of him and the child should come before an off and on girlfriend. I suggest that when he "calls to work things out" that you don't answer the phone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008

This mess has just gotten too heavy and complicated.  You said you never told him you didn't expect to be a priority for him over his son, but let's say you are in a position where you have to choose him or your son - which would it be?  Hopefully it WOULD be your son.  Sounds like a lot of unrealistic expectations are going on and it sounds like a confusing mess, with useless arguing going on.  It sounds to me like there's more going on here than meets the eye - if he was enthusiastic about things it seems to ME that he would be eager for your sons to spend time together and grow up together, rather than what sounds like keeping them apart on purpose.  If you break up and make up routinely and you "work things out", then you're going along with that pattern.  It needs to change, and change will likely begin with you if that's what you really want.  I think you need to ask yourself what you really want, what you truly, sincerely WANT.  Do that. 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2009

Thank you all. I really appreciate the feedback. I know i should have left this relationship alone a long time ago. Somehow, I allowed myself to think that him having a child was going to be better for us, how stupid of  me. I just wanted to know if I was looking at things in the wrong way regardig his son, since I never really recovered from the hurt or betrayal, but I never took it out on his son. He was always bringing up comparisons. But the bigger picture is that the relationship overall is not worth it and like one of you said, if and when he calls I will let not pick up. I am worn out and I gave way too much for nothing. I do want better for myself. I just have to beleive it's out there.  

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2002

$20 says he's got something going on with the Baby Mama, which is the very reason he refuses to let you have any sort of contact with his son.

And just with the info you are sharing about your boyfriend, I want to say he is a loser and you should definitely move on from this relationship.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2009

Yep that could be true too, but to make this situation even worse he never introduced me to his family after all tlhese years. I met them, but he never said I was his girlfriend.  I never met his mom who lives out of state though. It seems so obvious that I didn't mean much to him know that I read this, but I still don't get why he didn't just leave me alone if he didn't want me. I broke up with him so many times and he would beg for me to come back everytime. That is something I will never understand...