He Told Me He Never Wants To Get Married

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2003
He Told Me He Never Wants To Get Married
7
Fri, 05-14-2004 - 11:59am
I have had the most wonderful relationship with my boyfriend of a year and a half until recently. I felt that he was truly the one for me and began looking forward to a long term commitment. He was engaged once and said she pushed him into it, so I definitely thought we would someday be married. The other day he came to me and told me that he doesn't want to get married...ever. We got into a huge fight for one week and it was since then he said he realized it's not something he wants. I do not know if I can live my life with a boyfriend for the rest of my life..someone who will not commit to me. I know I can trust him but my happiness is most important. I am just wondering if I should just wait..I even asked him if it was a possibility and he said probably not. I went home from work yesterday and he had packed everything and moved out on me. Out of nowhere. When it came time for him to leave, he couldnt. What should I do?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2004
Fri, 05-14-2004 - 1:01pm
First...breeeeeathe. It's hard, I know.

Did he say that he never wants to marry, period? or that he never wants to marry YOU? Did he say "why?" Is there something that you can work on to make his outlook better? And why did he pack? Is this the end of the relationship for the two of you or did he intend to continue as boyfriend/girlfriend?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Fri, 05-14-2004 - 1:02pm

Whoever told you that marriage equaled total happiness was very misinformed...In fact, some of the happiest unions

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2003
Fri, 05-14-2004 - 2:07pm
He said he wanted to get married before but since our last big fight he said it triggered something that has made him dead against it. He packed with the intention of staying together but being separated for a while. At first he told me he was doing what I wanted him to do...but I never asked him to. I asked him if he would consider it in the future and he said probably not. He said he's afraid of it ending in divorce and most especially he said hes most afraid of the "ball and chain". Although I have never given him a reason to fear that. I feel like he is getting everything he wants in this relationship but I am being left out in the dark.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2004
Fri, 05-14-2004 - 4:28pm
O my god! I am so sorry to hear that but i am going through the same problem right now just a little different. I would say that we should move on i mean we don't deserve such a pain in our lives from guys that we don't even know if they really love us. Sometimes you love too much that you cannot realize if the other person loves you same but well too late to figure it out. I would advice you to be careful and if he wants to go on, let him anyways he doesn't want commitment with you at all. I mean boyfriends are anywhere but real love is hard to find. From my experience i had never found real love from a man. I thought i had it but as you see i am going through the same thing. Please pay attention to the reality and try to be strong for your good. Don't hurt your self anymore it is not worth it. God bless you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2004
Fri, 05-14-2004 - 4:52pm
I know what I am about to say is not going to sound very nice, but you need to do what is best for you.

That being said, because you care so deeply for this man, I would keep him around, but in the back of my mind, start man shopping again until he comes around, and if he does not ever come around, then, you would not have wasted valuable years of your life.

Hey, he is the one that does not want to take you off the market, therefore, you are allowed to shop. I would not share this with him though.

Trust me, my now husband pulled that same crap, and i just kindly asked him to get out of my house. He was so friggin wishy washy, acting like I was forcing him to do something. He would sway back and forth, and one time, had the nerve to say, after he moved in, that he just wants a dating relationship. We ended up getting engaged, but he wanted a 5 year engagement.

I just told him, that he showed me with his actions, that he did not want to be married, and that I did not want to marry someone who does not want to marry me. It is like, you are interviewing for a job, and you get the offer. You take the offer, and then you add, "oh, I do not want to start for another 10 years) What message does that send?

I said everything was cool, but living together did not reflect the true status of our relationship. I agreed with his "dating" status, and asked him to move out, (but I asked him in a very friendly way, I told him that I had too much respect for myself to just be used)

Then, it felt so good to get that out, I was actually sooooo relieved, and was going to use this as an opportunity to man shop.

I never got my chance, as two weeks later, he asked me to marry him, with a date set 9 months away, and he said he could not stand life with out me. (and my son)

So you see, give him some time, some freedom, but not too much, and in the interim, have some fun. You are not married yet. New people will spice up your life. Trust me, your boyfriend will be envious of your new glow, and want to snatch you up. The worst thing you can do is argue about this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2004
Fri, 05-14-2004 - 4:53pm
ok, something very strange happened here b/c I had responded to your post and my message never posted. SO, here I go again...

I went through this, sort of, a couple of years ago and the thing that you need to focus on is "you." What is it that you want? Is marriage a "must" for you? And are you certain (not from what he says, but from what you know about the situation and him) that this is never going to happen for the two of you? He said that something changed his mind but maybe that something was not what he thought it was, was taken the wrong way, etc. You need to decide if you want to stick around for the relationship and be happy with him the way things are or if you need to move on.

Let's face it...nobody is perfect but if there is true love and you are happy, maybe a marriage is not necessary. that is all up to you though. You need to separate yourself from the situation and think about everything you would guide a friend to think about. Think about it all and make an informed decision - based on you and your needs. You can't worry about him or about just being in a relationship to decide.

It is a hard one but no matter what, you'll be okay. :o)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2004
Fri, 05-14-2004 - 5:46pm
Thanks for sharing your story. You handled that so well.