Is He Trustworthy?
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Is He Trustworthy?
| Fri, 05-02-2008 - 2:53pm |
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost five years. He is my first relationship after a verbally abusive 19 year marriage to my high school sweetheart. It took me years before I allowed myself to care about another man and to trust someone with my heart. I had a lot of personal work to do on myself...and still do. My boyfriend and I have both had difficult pasts and are very emotionally supportive of each other. Other than the issue I'm writing about, we have a really great relationship and I want to believe I can trust him.
His career is in computers, and he spends a lot of time on one. He enjoys online porn, and I really don't have a problem with it except when it comes before everything else. He has subscribed to many porn websites. He saves the pictures and videos on his hard drive. Because so many of these websites are of real girls who have their email addresses posted so you can contact them, I have told him that looking at pictures and videos is one thing, but contacting them to have an online relationship is going too far. He feels that because it's anonymous, it's just a playful game and isn't cheating. He even thinks that if you have a webcam and want to have cyber-sex with someone who is live online, it isn't really cheating because you're not actually touching them. I have found a couple of emails that he accidentally left on our computer where he has written to a couple different girls telling them how hot they are and asking them if they would meet up with him to have sex. He told them that he loves me, but he really wants to be inside them, and that if they couldn't meet up with him maybe they could email him some naked pictures of themselves. I felt very hurt and betrayed, and when I confronted him he told me that sending the emails was just part of the moment of feeling turned on. He knew they wouldn't contact him to meet him but he was hoping they might send him pictures. He said it was part of the fantasy. I told him that I have a hard time believing that if they did contact him to have sex, that he would turn it down, especially if we were in an argument or something. It's asking for trouble and I think if you have a good relationship you should protect it. Have any of you experienced these same problems? Would you trust your man that is doing these things and believes this way? Since then he has refused to talk about the subject and has made his computer password protected. I'm sure he thinks what I don't know, won't hurt me. He has given me permission to do the same thing if it turns me on, but I never would, because I would feel disloyal and I would rather work on a real relationship.
I haven't been able to trust him since...and it has caused me to feel sexually inhibited and to dread sex. I promised myself that I would be alone before I would ever be in another emotionally damaging relationship. I would appreciate your advice! :)
His career is in computers, and he spends a lot of time on one. He enjoys online porn, and I really don't have a problem with it except when it comes before everything else. He has subscribed to many porn websites. He saves the pictures and videos on his hard drive. Because so many of these websites are of real girls who have their email addresses posted so you can contact them, I have told him that looking at pictures and videos is one thing, but contacting them to have an online relationship is going too far. He feels that because it's anonymous, it's just a playful game and isn't cheating. He even thinks that if you have a webcam and want to have cyber-sex with someone who is live online, it isn't really cheating because you're not actually touching them. I have found a couple of emails that he accidentally left on our computer where he has written to a couple different girls telling them how hot they are and asking them if they would meet up with him to have sex. He told them that he loves me, but he really wants to be inside them, and that if they couldn't meet up with him maybe they could email him some naked pictures of themselves. I felt very hurt and betrayed, and when I confronted him he told me that sending the emails was just part of the moment of feeling turned on. He knew they wouldn't contact him to meet him but he was hoping they might send him pictures. He said it was part of the fantasy. I told him that I have a hard time believing that if they did contact him to have sex, that he would turn it down, especially if we were in an argument or something. It's asking for trouble and I think if you have a good relationship you should protect it. Have any of you experienced these same problems? Would you trust your man that is doing these things and believes this way? Since then he has refused to talk about the subject and has made his computer password protected. I'm sure he thinks what I don't know, won't hurt me. He has given me permission to do the same thing if it turns me on, but I never would, because I would feel disloyal and I would rather work on a real relationship.
I haven't been able to trust him since...and it has caused me to feel sexually inhibited and to dread sex. I promised myself that I would be alone before I would ever be in another emotionally damaging relationship. I would appreciate your advice! :)

" Is He Trustworthy?"
NO. He doesnt have any respect for the R you both have and believe me, no matter how much you try, it will not go away.You have 2 choices here, either drop him as it is an unacceptable behavior on which you dont have any control or continue with him and see his fantasy grow but keep silent on it as you cant leave for any reason. Both are difficult but take into consideration which will help you in the future.
"Have any of you experienced these same problems? "
No.
"Would you trust your man that is doing these things and believes this way?"
No, I would not trust him.
Welcome to the board northernsky1111,
My thoughts pretty much match the advice you've already been given.