Is he trustworthy?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2007
Is he trustworthy?
5
Thu, 08-09-2007 - 6:30pm

My boyfriend and I have been together over two years. We hit a MAJOR speedbump last summer when I found out he had been deceitful and lied to me by hanging out with someone he had dated just before me. They went to a few dinners/drinks and hung out a handful of times, and texted a lot over the course of a few months. I found out, ended things last summer. It took a while, but we rebuilt and got back together in the fall, recognizing that it would never be the same again but we could move on if we were both honest.

Flash forward to now, he is a wonderful, giving person and we have really moved forward. I feel much more confident and trust is growing, but it is not 100% there...I just think he is SO private and tends to keep some things unnecessarily bottled up that if let out would 1) make me trust him even more (even if it's difficult stuff) and 2) make us closer.

so I am writing about a current dilemma. A few weeks ago, I found out (he didn't tell me)that a very distant ex, that he keeps in touch with has moved to the city we live in. She is here for a yearlong position. Obviously, my heart sank. It is NOT the same one he hang out with when we had our troubles, but she is one of 3 exes I knew he talked to (very sporadically, a few calls/texts per year). He is rarely forthcoming about info about her or any ex and tends to keep it to himself.

So, I know that she moved over this summer and I so far have no indication whatsoever that they've even met up (this is huge for me as last year was tough for us) but I doubt a year would go by with her here that she wouldn't insist on meeting up at some point. I now can't stop thinking about it. The worst part is: I asked him for trust all year, told him the more info I have the better and yet this is a perfect opportunity to build trust and I get nothing.

I will say that two weeks ago he actually ran into the girl from last year (the one he hung out with a few time, and lied about). As soon as he got home, he told me all about it, that it was awkward, he felt strange because he had led her on last year, that she is moving to another city, etc. that was SUCH a relief because 1) he was so upfront with me (he could have just not told me) and 2) she is gone and now that feeling of relief is replaced by this other person being around and wondering what is it in him that doesn't view this as an opportunity to open up to me and be honest? Should I be worried that he is incapable? That he is hiding for a reason? It's not his fault she was assigned to this city, and I am positive he has spoken with her since she's been here so he obviously knows she moved.

How do I handle this situation? We spend every night together, are out of town most weekends and have many plans for weekends out of town. We discuss moving in together within the next year and marriage at some point. We are both 30 and this is not a casual relationship I just couldn't bear the thought of feeling lied to again like last year and hope because of what we went through that has changed. Again, so far nothing in his actions or behavior has been strange at all and unless he is really good at hiding it (he was horrible last year) then he hasn't met up with her...I just feel like I would know but at the same time don't want it to get to that point, would rather him just tell me!!!

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-09-2007 - 7:17pm

I would let him know that you know about his ex moving to town (tell him how you found out) and use it as an example of the type of thing that if he told you about, it would build trust, but him not telling you about it tends to have the opposite effect.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Thu, 08-09-2007 - 7:36pm

'So, I know that she moved over this summer and I so far have no indication whatsoever that they've even met up'

Did he tell you that she is here? If so why didn't an adult conversation about how this will affect or not affect your relationship naturally progress?

If he didn't tell you then why not tell him that you heard she was in town and also have a calm, adult, conversation about it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2007
Thu, 08-09-2007 - 11:37pm

You are both completely right. I am an adult, I want a healthy adult relationship, which I believe we do have and have both worked hard/stepped out of our comfort zone at times to build. I see huge progress on both our ends. I will honestly admit that in many ways this has been a setback but one entirely of my own creation.

I guess my main hesitation in saying something is that I found out randomly by looking online, as I said before it is a field with a one year residency period and one day I felt compelled to look (ou past still haunts me and makes me curious on occasion). It wasn't snooping because it's just general online info and honestly it was so random that I was shocked it turned up any info. The position itself is in a suburb about 20 miles away so I would be shocked if she didn't live in the 'big' city where we live...so I certainly don't claim to have all the info...but even just knowing for a fact they keep in touch sporadically (like I do with people too) abnd that now there is the possibility of meeting up worries me on so many levels.

Secondly to this is that I want him to tell me. I almost want her to ask to meet for dinner. That alone is okay, friendship itself is okay with me...I trust his love for me at this point; however, considering our past I need a lot more information than people that have not been in our situation. I need him to tell me on his own that she is here, and that maybe even I could meet her too. Best case scenario is he doesn't think it's a big deal because he doesn't intend to meet up. Worst case scenario is he still doesn't know how to handle difficult conversations such as this.

I just don't want to be the one to bring it up and then to have to say that I know by finding out online when I should find out from him after all we've been through. It's just not how I envisioned this stage of our relationship. I want/need someone who can talk to me, even about things he might think would upset me. In this case, it would just make me feel more comfortable and closer.

Bottom line, I know he's likely not saying anything because to him it's temporary, not someone that's a huge part of his life, and he isn't dying to meet up with her and feels he will cross that bridge when/if he gets there and there is no need to ruffle any feathers by mentioning someone sporadically a part of his life is here. I guess if an ex of mine moved here that I occasionally talk to I wouldn't feel like I have to tell him, but I also wasn't the one to lie and be deceitful and if I did want to meet up with an ex, I would just tell him that and he knows he has nothing to worry about.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 08-10-2007 - 11:01am

Ok, what you would do and what you want him to do is all well and good, but that's not what he's doing is it? You need to deal with the reality not your fantasy of how things should be.

Bite the bullet and talk to him. I think you're being dishonest in NOT doing so, and the fact that you're doing it because HE's not being upfront with you does NOT excuse your dishonesty.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 08-10-2007 - 1:48pm

You have a fascinating double standard here don't you. You demand that he be totally open and honest with you, yet you hide things from him then make them into a manipulative test. Why should he trust you given how you are withholding information you expect him to tell you then using it against him to make him wrong through manipulation?

How do you even know for a fact that this is the exact same woman and not another woman that happens to have the same name? Perhaps he doesn't even know she is in town, but why would that matter since your motivation is to test him.

How about living up to the exact same expectations and openly sharing the information you have. That way, you get to gain trust, rather than destroying the trust through your silly games and tests. Men get really tired of women that play the "Do as I say, not as I do" game.