He wants a "level playing field".....

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2005
He wants a "level playing field".....
14
Fri, 08-08-2008 - 4:28am

this is my situation and I need help on what I should do.......


my husband and I will be married for 8 years in November. Back in 03', I did something very stupid and I cheated on him with a one night stand. He found out about it and has never let me forget about it. Well just recently about 2 months now he has been hanging out with his friend every weekend and leaving after he gets home from work for a couple of hours. He is constantly talking about one of my friends, how he can "screw' her if he wanted to and all kinds of stuff. I can't take it anymore, I told him that I was tired of hearing about it and if he wanted to do that he should move out. Then he came out and told me that if I wanted our marriage to work that I should give him permission to go out and 'screw' someone so that we are on a 'level playing field' and then go get counseling. What am I supposed to do, he doesn't realize that just him talking about doing this is killing me inside. It doesn't have anything really even to do with the act, just thinking about it is killing me.

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Fri, 08-08-2008 - 7:11am

I expect others to disagree with me, but my idea is to ask him to FIRST try marriage counseling for six months... And tell him if there isn't any progress whatsoever after six months, he can go out and "screw" your friend. At which point you can probably serve him with divorce papers.

Compared to these five years, six months shouldn't be too long to wait.

Just because someone thinks he is sexy by the way does not mean she would sleep with him. I hope you have a better friendship than your marriage....

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2005
Fri, 08-08-2008 - 7:45am
the thing is that he dosen't want to go to therapy 1st, he wants an 'eye for an eye' type solution. It seems to me that he is ready to leave and i am just so upset that after all this time now he wants to do this. Why didn't he want to get even with me the same week, month or year that everything happened? His words hurt me more than anything. What am i supposed to do? How do I just tell him to go for it. Why does he insist to tell me everything he wants to do and ask me about my friend all the time? Why doesn't he just do it and not tell me...like every other man?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2008
Fri, 08-08-2008 - 7:57am

Hmm . . . it sounds like you're worried that

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Fri, 08-08-2008 - 9:02am

His desire for revenge stems from his inability to forgive. That's because forgiveness and revenge have NOTHING to do with one another, those ideas live in different (maybe opposite) worlds. He has no desire to forgive you, and evening the field will not make it easier for him to forgive. You can either have one or the other; if you don't want revenge then you want forgiveness. If you don't want forgiveness then it's revenge you're after. Totally opposite.

If you want my honest opinion, I think he just really wants to sleep with your friend.

It's time to put your foot down either way, if he won't go to counseling at all. You need to tell him, "I'm sorry about what happened, but it's been a long time since then and I have offered ways to make our relationship better. You have refused. I can't accept another infidelity as a way to repair our relationship because I know it will make our marriage worse rather than help, and I think you know this too. If you really need to sleep with someone else in order to get over this, then we're going to have to divorce. I am willing to take any constructive approach to fixing this, but that is unacceptable to me."




Edited 8/8/2008 9:03 am ET by eggbertshootsfire
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Fri, 08-08-2008 - 11:43am

Welcome to the board dvolsgrl77,


Holy cow, the playing field will never be level. If he wanted it to be level he would just go have a one-night stand and tell you about it later.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Fri, 08-08-2008 - 1:32pm

<< And what should I do about my friend? Should I confront her? I know that she is interested in him also because one time when she was drunk she was saying how sweet and sexy he was etc >>


Seriously, why is she your friend? Sorry, but a FRIEND isn't someone who is interested in your husband.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Fri, 08-08-2008 - 1:43pm

<< His desire for revenge stems from his inability to forgive.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2007
Fri, 08-08-2008 - 3:01pm

My opinion won't be popular, but that's ok, I can accept that...


Disclaimer:

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Sat, 08-09-2008 - 12:13pm

<< I think its a little too "easy"

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2005
Sun, 08-10-2008 - 12:49am
Well yesterday he confessed that he had already cheated on me while I was in Cali with my SIL and Brother. He continued to rub it in my face. He wouldn't tell me with who, but I already know it was probably her. Today I couldn't take it anymore and threw him out. He just left like 10 mins ago. He said it is all my fault

Pages