He wants porn; not me
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| Mon, 05-21-2007 - 1:39am |
My boyfriend and I have been seeing each other for about a year now. When we were first intimate with each other, we were having sex frequently. Over time it became less frequent, which I figured was normal, and I actually wasn't that concerned with it until I realized how much porn he was watching. I found it in his computer's history, and there's a lot. I'm not a fan of him looking at porn in general, but I would understand if he was as interested in me as he is with it. What is most upsetting is that he'll often look at it right before I come over to see him, or while I'm out running errands, and then he won't touch me. He downloads it every day, so the man has a strong sexual appetite, except of course with me. In an entire weekend spent with him, recently, we'll have sex once. It just doesn't make sense to me. And it really actually hurts. Sometimes he'll watch even a "Girls Gone Wild" commercial, go back and rewind it, watch it again, and say "mmm" or make a comment about how hot those girls are, and I'm sitting right next to him, half-naked, and he completely ignores me. So my self-esteem is not especially high right now. And most upsetting of all, today I was laying next to him in bed, very sick, and before I woke up, he must have been sitting there with his laptop, looking at porn...right next to me. When I felt better later, he still wouldn't touch me. He just kept making excuses, like he was tired (what man is too tired for sex?!) This actually made me so upset I ended up sitting in the bathroom, crying. It makes me sick to my stomach. And I don't have the best self-esteem to begin with, so seeing these girls with huge, inrealistic boobs, and perfect bodies really makes me feel awful. Is that what he wants? Is he not turned on by me? I don't understand. And I'm scared to ask. I don't know what to say. I don't want to freak him out. Plus, he doesn't exactly know that I snoop around on his computer. So it's not going to be easy to bring up, but I feel that I should, or things will just get worse for me. Like I said, I could understand if he was looking at a lot of porn AND we were having a lot of sex, but that is not the case. I find myself having wanting to have sex more than he does. He just prefers looking at it online.
What--if anything--should I say to him, and what do you think is going on? I'm so confused and hurt! Is what he's doing normal? Is something wrong with me?

Welcome to the board newyorker12007,
It sounds very likely that he is addicted to porn. So don't take his lack of interest in having sex with you personal. It has nothing to do with you.
I think the first step is to talk to him about this. Tell him you are upset that you don't have sex very often and you were wondering what the problem was. Then you can ask him if he watches porn and see what his answer is.
Good luck.
glitter-graphics.com
This is NOT normal behavior unfortunately all the studies on porn indicate it's a normal pattern for people who become addicted to it. If you're going to approach him on this understand that you are challenging an addict and his first instinct is going to be to protect his addiction and make you wrong. It would help you if you armed yourself with information. There are many websites on porn addictions with testimonials from people who still struggle years later. I agree with the person who posted it is a huge undertaking to work with an addict. Look up studies by Zillman and Bryant they have studied porn from every angle and none of it is pretty. The more he looks the less likely he is to hear you or respect your feelings. Men tend to become irritable, anxious and depressed the more they are exposed to porn as well as less respectful of women. They are more likely to cheat and have intimacy issues which is already apparent to you.
It has absolutely nothing to do with you. You could look like Jenna Jamison (porn star) and he would still be looking for a quick fix.
I speak from experience when I say the worst thing you could do is trust him to deal with it on his own or allow him to convince you it's your insecurity that is the problem. He needs help - addicts rarely recover without full accountabilty and help.
Be strong - all the best to you!