He wants 'space'

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2003
He wants 'space'
Thu, 05-29-2003 - 9:36pm
Ok, right now I feel like crap. My boyfriend and I alwyas hung out together. Weve been together for about 9 months now and I love him so much. Well the other day he tells me that we need to see less of eachother and he wants more space. I mean its understandable cuz we were together like 24/7, but I still feel hurt and rejected. Then he told me that we should abstain from having sex for about a month which was weird cuz he always always wants to have sex. He told me he said that because he didnt want me to think that when we were together that all he wanted me for was sex. I can understand that he wants time away from me, but I just feel like he is pushing me away. He says hes not though. This jsut really concerns me because he broke up with me a couple months ago and he said he was confused and stuff and at that time, I felt like he was pushing me away too. But the next day he asked for me back again because he realised his decision was wrong. Im just paranoid he will break up with me or something. I love him so much, and he loves me, but I feel so rejected right now.


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Fri, 05-30-2003 - 2:36pm
Do you see a pattern here? You are together all the time, 24/7. Then he begins to feel smothered, so he pushes you away. After awhile, he realizes that he was wrong, and wants you back. So you're together 24/7 AGAIN. And he's feeling smothered AGAIN. Is there any way that you can strike a balance? Maybe if the two of you weren't together all the time, but rather spent MUCH of your time with each other, but SOME of your time doing other things or hanging out with other people, he wouldn't go through this cycle. I don't really know for sure, but if this relationship lasts through this troubled time, you could give it a try.


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Fri, 05-30-2003 - 2:14pm
YOu feel out of control because he keeps changing his mind about what he wants. Why not take some control? You can't keep getting together with him when he wants, breaking up when he feels like it and then sitting around waiting for him to change his mind again.

Give him space and plenty of it. Then work on yourself for a while. If he wants to come back again have a real heart to heart about defining the relationship.

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-30-2003 - 12:24pm
I think it's important here for the two of you to sit down and have a good, open honest talk about the relationship and about his feelings and concerns. Obviously there are things going on inside him that he does not really understand, or have a way of dealing with, and so his way is to take some time and space for himself. There is nothing wrong with having some time and space for oneself, but usually this does not work out the issues unless they are brought to the table and openly discussed. It also may be that he needs some professional help in sorting out his feelings and needs here. Sometimes a person begins to feel overwhelmed in a relationship, but doesn't know how to set boundaries, time together and time alone. They then go to one extreme or another. Let him know that you want to talk with him about his feelings, are willing and able to understand them, and that if things have to be worked out in the relationship the best way to do it is to get the issues out on the table, not to run away. Also suggest that it may be helpful to get an outside counsellor to give a hand. Do not be judgmental of him or put any blame or hurt out there. That will only make him feel badly and make him close up all the more. Rather than take this personally as a rejection of you, understand that it is only that he needs to understand and work out issues within himself.

Best wishes.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 05-30-2003 - 10:17am
I agree with Sleepwalker.....keep yourself busy and let him have his space. If he really cares and it's meant to be he wont be going anywhere.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
Fri, 05-30-2003 - 10:05am
Hmmmm.....without knowing him or the whole situation, I have to say that he sounds likes he's full of sh!t. I would not buy the crap about abstaining from sex so that you don't think that's all he wants you for. I may be way off base here (I CAN jump to conclusions, sometimes), but I think that when he broke up with you he did something with another girl. Now he either feels guilty when he has sex with you, OR thinks he could possibly have contracted an STD and doesn't want to risk giving it to you until he knows for sure. Like I said, I could be way off base, but that's what I would think if I was in your shoes. Good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2003
Thu, 05-29-2003 - 9:57pm
I'm sad for you and believe me, I know how this feels.

The bottom line is that you have no control over the situation. You can hope that absence makes the heart grow fonder, but you cannot make him care about you more than he does. I'm sorry...

As much as you hurt, I know this sounds impossible, but try to immerse yourself in other stuff. Go out with your friends, read, do ANYTHING to keep yourself occupied.

If it's meant to be, it will be. If not...